Confessions of I-Fighting with Darkness

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Can't Help Myself From Falling

Unsteady. Bordering the line of life and death. Sinking when you want to and try so hard to swim. Making cuts, this time ones that don’t go so deep, ones that you can fix. So you cut your hair, get a tattoo or a piercing. Consumed, plagued by negative thoughts and scenarios that are played consistently in your head. Yet you smile, and pretend, not because you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, or know this is temporary, but because you’re afraid of people seeing who you actually are. You’re scared that this monster you’re trying to fight will be unleashed onto someone else.

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Here and Trying

So you laugh, to muffle the screams of your soul dying inside. Your eyes stay bright and attentive, and you try to be cordial, keep the conversations light and short. Every time someone asks how are you, you immediately say fine when the honest response is “here..and trying.” I’m here, I’m subsisting. I’m trying, trying to lay in bed only 2 hours instead of 3 to get my day started. I’m trying to find the strength so I can fight the tears that soak my cheek daily. I’m trying to be normal and appreciate and like the life that I am given, because more than often I just want each day to be my last. I’m here, here getting counseling so I can talk to somebody, because I feel like no one really understands.

Look Again....

My family explains to me that life is just hard, and I’ll get through whatever I’m going through. My friends are oblivious and just see me as the bubbly, nice, kind person that is quiet yet stoic. They think nothing could phase me, I’ve got it together, why would someone like me suffer from depression when I’m so “inspirational.” Perhaps they don’t try hard enough to see me. I’m kind and nice because you never know what someone is going through. I’m inspirational to others because I would never wish what I feel on someone else. That’s the issue. Everyone thinks that depression is supposed to look like a blubbering mess, that doesn’t have it together. That it is this dark shadow that cast a cloud over situations and is easy to pinpoint. They are right and wrong. It is a person who is a blubbering mess… on the inside, but on the outside keeps it together. Makes sure to get dressed everyday and wear makeup to cover up their emotions and evade being scrutinized by others, because they don’t want anyone to know there is something wrong. It’s that bubbly person who gives everything to their day, but when they get home they have nothing else to give to themselves, except darkness, and morbid alternatives.

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Looks Just Like YOU

It is your best friend, your mother, sister, brother, father, niece, nephew, wife or husband. Yet no one wants to talk about it, people just want to stigmatize it. Don’t be fooled I have my amazing days, weeks, months but then out of nowhere there’s a trigger that sends me spiraling back to the deep end gasping for air. However, this post is not make you feel sorry for me, but to make you aware, to wake you up. This goes out to my fellow sisters and brothers battling with themselves, I want you to know that you are not alone. There is hope, there’s help, and most importantly there is always tomorrow. It’s babysteps, it’s finding one thing that motivates you and brings you joy, and then looking for that next thing. It is holding on to those good moments for as long as you can, until like an old favorite sweater it begins to whither at the seams. I want you to know that what you’re feeling, it’s not normal, nor is it always temporary, but it’s okay to feel what you feel as long as you don’t STAY THERE.

Fight!....fight for you life because this is the only one that you have. Live! live life... not just the moments you get away from it, but every single moment, bask in it.. soak it up.. and thirst for more.

Most importantly know you're never alone, there's always someone to call 1-800-273-TALK