#STEEMLORDS - Lord Percival the Magnificent.- Time Travel Vortex, Sexy apparitions and the Hot Poker of Justice.

Lord Percival needed a miracle in order to reach the shire before the Criminalians.

He had spent more time than he had planned with RhondaKrakken but it was worth it, what a babe. Now wasn't the time to ponder his latest conquest though now was the time for action. He needed a plan and he needed one quick.

He had attempted to talk to AncientMystique telepathically but to no avail, she had gone dark. It was a worry but one he needed to put to the back of his mind for now so he could focus on the quest. He had to get that ring.

As he pushed Tremendhorse as hard as he could through the night sky a tingling sensation suddenly permeated throughout his entire body. It was as if he was surrounded by a powerful electrically charged entity. Then from nowhere and somehow everywhere a female voice spoke to him...
"Fly into the vortex, let me assist you on your journey."
"What? Who is this? Demanded the legendary Pork Swordsman.
"A friend." was the reply.
Lord Percival was confused, a friend? But who? He didn't recognise the voice and wasn't even sure if he'd actually heard it or if it was inside his head.
"What the bloody hell is a vortex?" he said out loud.
"Behold." said the sultry voice.

Lord Percival looked up and there in the distance was.......The Vortex.

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"Hold on to your wedding tackle Tremendhorse, this may get rough." said Lord Percival.

The famous Cocksmith and his noble flying horse entered the vortex.

The journey was a blur of rainbow light surrounding him and filling him with a sense of power, whoever had decided to help him was more than a mere mortal.
Time seemed to stand still as an apparition appeared before him and spoke.

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"I'll be waiting for you when you have secured the ring."
"I say, who are you? said Lord Percival feasting his eyes on the apparition.
"I am your protector."
"And a tasty one to boot." said Lord Percival his mind now on anything but the quest.
"Focus Lord Percival, you have a dangerous road ahead of you." said the woman. "What is your plan."

Lord Percival explained his plan to acquire the ring from Bilbo Baggins. When he had finished the sexy apparition spoke.
"I have many contacts in Criminalia such is their duplicitous nature, I have discovered that they have sent their top ecclesiastical assassin to seek you out and stop you having your way with their female members."
She continued.
"Sadly I don't know who it is but I do know he's very dangerous."
"I fear no man!" Lord Percival brayed.
"I am aware of your dashingly brave handsomeness however it is my understanding this man will sink to any level of depravity to fulfill his task, so be careful and trust no one." the apparition warned.

As their conversation ended so did the trip in the vortex, a journey of days was over in minutes and Lord Percival was confidant he'd arrive at the home of Bilbo Baggins before Sir Scooterless and The Squire.
"God speed brave and debonair Lord Percival, I'll be anticipating your return." said the mystery woman.
"Wear something see through." was all he said.

As Lord Percival dropped out of the vortex and into the shire the home of Bilbo Baggins appeared in the horizon. He landed, left Tremendhorse in a field of fillies so he could entertain himself while Lord Percival secured the ring.
He crept slowly towards the door.

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Putting diplomacy aside Lord Percival kicked the door in. Inside was bigger than he'd imagined and it appeared that no one was home. There was a funny burning smell that he ignored as he took a tour of the house.
As he walked in the kitchen a voice spoke softly and menacingly for the shadows.
"Aha, Lord Percival the Magnificent we meet at last."

Then everything went dark.

Lord Percival was vaguely aware he was being carried through the house and tied up on all fours. As he slowly became more aware of his surroundings he was still aware of the smell of burning. Then his eyes finally focused in on a face in front of him.

The ugliest face he'd ever seen!

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"Be thee a troll? said Lord Percival.
"Choose your next words wisely youse bloody Wallaby banging bastard!" the man said in a Criminalian accent.
"Who the hell are you? demanded Lord Percival.
"I am Cardinal Ausbuttspank of Brisbania." he replied.
"Well you look like a sad face that's been drawn on scrotum."
"I warned you Percival you stinkin Nong, you'll regret speaking to me in that manner as you will regret rooting our Sheila's." he continued. "You have ruined my secret love Madame Arly for any other man , so I have come to dispense the 'Hot Poker of Justice!"

At that point Cardinal Ausbuttspank left the room and Lord Percival started to feel slightly less brave, what the hell was the Hot Poker of Justice? And what was that burning smell? The penny dropped right as Cardinal Ausbuttspank re-entered the room.

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His predicament was obvious when he laid eyes on the poker.

"I will dispense divine justice on your balloon knot for a the women you have defiled in your sordid life! screamed Ausbuttspank insanely.
Lord Percival was all of a sudden aware of sniggering from someone else in the room but couldn't see who it was. But it was vaguely familiar.

"Err, now Cardinal surely we can come to an agreement? There's no need to destroy my starfish."
"I am beyond reproach and cannot be bribed, you philandering posh pommie pooftah." the clearly insane Cardinal shouted.

While the shouting continued Lord Percival was trying to grab the elixir from his jacket but to no avail, was this to be the end of the dashing lover of the ladies? Or his butthole at least?

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light acompanied by a whirlwind, all of sudden standing in front of him was a women. He looked at her and then realised who she was.........The mystery apparition, only this time in physical form.

"Hello again Lord Percival , I am the Doctor."

"I thought I said wear something see through?"............

Who is the mysterious Doctor?

Can you believe Lord Percival didn't get laid once in this episode?

Will Cardinal Ausbuttspank get to give Lord Percival a hot pokering?

All may be revealed in the next episode of STEEMLORDS.

I AM LORD PERCIVAL THE MAGNIFICENT!

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STEEMLORDS is the insane creation of @sirknight
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Previous episodes can be found at @tremendospercy
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