Good morning, Steem Monsters!

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Brand new, original Steem Monsters Sketch Comedy!

Yep. I needed a forum to crack jokes about #steemmonsters, so here we are. In the Steem Monsters Tavern, the "off-duty" monsters mingle, speculate, and get hammered together. This episode takes a strange turn as some of the monsters begin turning gold.

By the way... these sketches are read aloud on Steemstar After Dark, this blockchain's only sketch comedy show, Friday nights, hosted by @carrieallen and me!

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The STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN - Episode 2 - "Gilded Silly"

By Chris Roberts

CHARACTERS
NARRATOR (open and close only)
GOBLIN SORCERER -The Barender
STONESPLITTER ORC
LORD OF DARKNESS
KOBOLD MINER
NAGA WARRIOR

NARRATOR

In a huge tavern, somewhere in the outskirts of your imagination, a large group of monsters and humans are mingling noisily with one another. As they await their imminent and mysterious summoning, the party continues for the Steem Monsters, some of whom have just discovered the free refills… Welcome to the Steem Monsters Tavern!

GOBLIN SORCERER

Your money’s no good here!

STONESPLITTER ORC

Whaddya mean?! These rubies were hewn from stone with me own axe!

GOBLIN SORCERER

You misunderstand me… I’m sure your rubies are nice, it’s just I’ve got no cash register and the bottles seem to fill themselves up as quickly as you folks empty ‘em.

STONESPLITTER ORC

Why, two of these rubies is equal to 100 piece of gold…

GOBLIN SORCERER

Look, buddy. I’ve got monsters trying to pay with all kinds of funny money. The Pirate Captain over there wanted to pay me in booty, and I gotta say, that was more than a little awkward. The Spinback Wolf offered me the severed ears of his enemies, and I was like “That’s not sanitary dude.” Lyanna Natura even tried to pay for her martini with magic beans. Can you believe that? Magic friggin’ beans!

STONESPLITTER ORC

Well, I’m a Stonesplitter Orc. I generally value whatever I find inside rocks, and these rubies were a doozy. But I’m not one to argue with free booze. Whiskey on the rocks!

GOBLIN SORCERER

I don’t have any ice back here. I’ve just been sending people over to the Frozen Warrior. You see that guy over there? Blue and White, big dripping ice shield?

STONESPLITTER ORC

What about him?

GOBLIN SORCERER

He’s got the ice. Here. Use my pick and just chip a little off of the shield. It’ll grow back.

STONESPLITTER ORC

Thanks, see you around!

GOBLIN SORCERER

[under his breath] Not if I smell you first, you stinky son-of-a-

LORD OF DARKNESS

Hey, Goblin Sorcerer! How the hell are ya?

GOBLIN SORCERER

Well if it isn’t the Lord of Darkness himself!

LORD OF DARKNESS

You know it! A little birdie just told me that the booze is unlimited. Well, I guess it wasn’t a little bird. The Giant Roc is about the size of the whole building.

GOBLIN SORCERER

Whatever the size of the bird, what you heard is true. It seems we’ve got an enchanted bar, whatever you want.

LORD OF DARKNESS

Well shit! Gimme a Long Island Iced Tea! We’re gonna get krunk!

GOBLIN SORCERER

That’s the spirit! Drink up big guy. So how’d it go with the Spirit of the Forest?

LORD OF DARKNESS

I’m over that broad. Way too conceited. She was all like “What gifts have you brought?” I asked what kind of gifts she likes… Get this. “Only the finest gemstones and jeweled adornments may grace the presence of the Spirit of the Forest.”

GOBLIN SORCERER

Oh, man. She refers to herself in the third person?

LORD OF DARKNESS

Yeah. Then The Flesh Golem showed up to try and muscle me out of the picture. I was like “You can have her, dude. Too high maintenance for me.” I coulda taken him. I mean c’mon, I’m Legendary. It wasn’t worth it, so I went outside for some fresh. That’s when I ran into the Roc Bird.

GOBLIN SORCERER

Hey! What’s happening to you? You’re suddenly getting brighter!

LORD OF DARKNESS

I… I don’t know. I’m feeling tingly and strangely powerful…

GOBLIN SORCERER

Dude, you’re turning Gold!

LORD OF DARKNESS

What the hell! I am turning gold!

GOBLIN SORCERER

Look! That Fire Beetle that just came out of the bathroom is turning gold too.

LORD OF DARKNESS

I don’t know what’s going on here, but I feel like my intrinsic value is increasing. I mean, I was already better than you, but now look at me!

GOBLIN SORCERER

Easy, Goldie!

LORD OF DARKNESS

Goldie! I like it! Goldie shall be my new nickname. Let’s see that uppity Spirit of the Forest turn me down now… Shiny jewels only, huh? Let’s see how she likes these shiny jewels!

GOBLIN SORCERER

Easy, buddy. You’re gold now. You can do better.

LORD OF DARKNESS

You’re right, I can do better! Man, I feel like everybody wants me now, all shiny and gold.

GOBLIN SORCERER

Get on out there! Lemme know when you find out what the hell’s going on with the gold thing.

LORD OF DARKNESS

Sure thing! Got that Gold Fever…

KOBOLD MINER

Still got some of that delicious magic chocolate milk?

GOBLIN SORCERER

Kobold Miner! How you doing? Chocolate milk coming right up!

KOBOLD MINER

Can’t complain… Did you hear about the Gold thing?

GOBLIN SORCERER

Well I just watched the Lord of Darkness turn Gold before my eyes… Is that what you mean?

KOBOLD MINER

The Lord of Darkness?! That’s not fair! Only like 1 out of every hundred of us are turning gold, figured it’d be the unstoppable Legendary.

GOBLIN SORCERER

It’s okay, Kobold Miner! You got a lot of good things going for you, even without being gold.

KOBOLD MINER

But my collectible value, man… It’s piss-poor. I’m just a common, and how can I compete with these new gold foil bastards?

GOBLIN SORCERER

Pull yourself together! You’ll just have to win ‘em over the old fashioned way. Self-pity’s a dangerous game, especially when the booze is free.

KOBOLD MINER

Here comes the Naga Warrior… Don’t look, don’t look! She’s so sexy…

NAGA WARRIOR

So Lyanna, did you see the Pirate Captain? I never noticed how good he looked until he started turning gold. Maybe I should show him my fathoms below, if you get my drift.

KOBOLD MINER

For crying out loud! Did you hear that shit?

GOBLIN SORCERER

Don’t worry friend, the novelty will wear off soon. I heard the gold foil have… trouble performing, if you know what I mean.

KOBOLD MINER

You know? That actually makes me feel a little better.

NARRATOR

As random monsters continue turning gold, the patrons of the Steem Monsters are growing restless and confused. Will they ever be summoned for battle? The booze may be enchanted and free, but the Steem Monsters are starting to feel trapped in this strange limbo. As this seemingly endless night parties on, the monsters are getting drunker by the minute. Join us next time, on the Steem Monsters Tavern!

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