Steem Wars: Catfights & Coffee!

It had been a boring adventure so far. After nine days. the most exciting thing to happen was Tauss having the cheek to steal Yella's coffee. It was suspected that chainsaws had been involved. But Yella admitted nothing.

Darth Speed had had to separate them by brute force. Or at least, that was the story he continued to tell. He was always trying to get her into trouble.

Yella resented this. He knew that Ani-wan would deprive Yella of coffee as punishment. In Yella's eyes, this was a fate worse than death.

Tauss was in the space toilet, yet again. He seemed to spend half his life in there. He often made claims that he was checking through his financial reports. But Yella knew better. She had taken the opportunity to rifle through his cabin to find out what he really got up to.

“What a mess!” she thought. “Good. That way he'll never know that I've been poking around. Though he could at least do something about that mountain of dirty socks. It smells like year-old space cheese in here.”

There was a lock on his bedside drawer, but it was unfastened. What he could be hiding? Underneath a pile of yet more paperwork, she pulled out a handful of small photos and examined them.

Yella quickly wished she had never looked. What Tauss saw in those unsightly photos, she would never understand. However, before leaving the cabin, she snuck one into the inside pocket of her robe. With Noont's help, she would use it as a threat if Tauss ever tried stealing her coffee again. Was it possible to make a giant hologram from a photo?

Tauss left the bathroom. “Oo-ee! I would not go in there for a while!” Yella had fled from his cabin before he had closed the bathroom door.

A blast echoed through the ship. Something was approaching.

Ani-wan stepped out of her cabin. “What the hell was that?”

Darth Speed appeared from his own cabin. They looked at each other and immediately headed for the ship's control booth. The commotion had even woken Jayna the Hutt, who had been asleep in her usual armchair. She followed them close behind.

At that moment, however, Yella remembered the glass jar of coffee that she kept hidden in her trunk. It was reserved for emergencies only. Frightened that the sudden jolt of the ship might have smashed it, she ran to her own cabin to retrieve her treasure. The ship might be in danger, but there was no way Yella was leaving her coffee behind.

Noont called after Yella. He stood with Ani-wan and the rest of the crew, but had spotted Yella running back to her cabin. “Where are you going? Did you not feel that?!”

“No time to waste! There's something I have to fetch!”

“Where is it, where is it? “ she thought as she rummaged through the trunk under her bed. “Please let it be still intact. Tauss will pay for this!”

Thank Martians. It had toppled over with the jolt, but every last coffee bean was still in the jar. Yella retrieved it and ran to join the rest of the crew.

“Any more signs of trouble?” Darth Speed was looking over Ani-wan's shoulder. Secretly, Yella often thought he pretended to look like he knew what he was doing.

Ani-wan was checking the ship's computer. “The ship is fast approaching the Meth Star. We need to decide our course of action before landing.”

Noont replied “Is there a course of action for approaching a star that looks like shards of broken glass?”

“I don't know, Noont! But we need one, and we need it now! We've got no idea what we're about to face next!”

A sudden explosion ripped through the ship. Yella turned to face a huge cloud of smoke, clearing to reveal the debris that that explosion has left behind. But that wasn't all.

A small army of Kats stood before them, all brandishing giant, luminous sabers. To Yella, they looked like the hideous creatures from Carrivan, called Pookies. The dog picture had been ripped from the wall. It hung in a giant strip.

Yella was horrified. She might have been a petty thief, but that dog picture was special. Her eyes glowed a luminous red. A fight was brewing.

The leader of the Kats spoke. “What is your business here?”

Yella had never seen Ani-wan look so angry.

“I might ask you the same question. Is there any reason you've seen fit to invade our ship with weapons that look like a bunch of oversized dildos? Or is that just to make you look more threatening?”

The Kats immediately took on a fighting stance. Clearly, they were not used to being spoken to in this manner.

“This is our planet! Mere humans will not pass. Any attempt to continue further will result in the demolition of your crew and ship!”

Yella was now vibrating with fury. She loved any excuse for a fight. Armed with caffeine, she was ready to launch herself at the Kats. Bodies would be left behind.

Ani-wan seemed to read Yella's thoughts. “Oh, bite me. Darths, attack!”

The ship erupted into chaos.

Sparks flew as the Kats engaged in combat. Yella ducked and dodged as one of the Kats made a beeline for her, the bright pink Saber swiping through the air. But they were no match for her. Armed with only a jar of coffee, she managed to dance between the Kat's paws and knock it off-balance. It tripped and face-planted the floor. Taking the Saber it had dropped, Yella sliced the Kat cleanly in two.

Across the ship, Tauss was making full use of his fists, punching the Kat repeatedly in the face. Where was his pistol? Yella had never seen Tauss without it. Whilst the rest of the Darths were distracted with fighting, she weaved her way through the remaining Kats and made for his cabin. If they were to have any chance of winning this battle, Tauss needed his trusty pistol. There was only one other place it could possibly be.

But another Kat had spotted Yella and was hot on her tail. She dashed through the ship, swerving this way and that. However, it had managed to catch up with her and blocked her path to Tauss' cabin. It stared at her with gleaming yellow eyes, hissing loudly.

“Going somewhere?”

There wasn't time for Yella to reply. The Kat went straight for her, knocking her jar of coffee to the floor. It burst open and beans erupted everywhere.

That was it. They could take the ship. They could attack her crew. But they would never take Yella's coffee!

Her eyes glowed a luminous red again. She vibrated with anger as steam blew from her ears. Taking a couple of steps back from the Kat, she launched straight for his face. Biting and clawing, she took the Kat down to the floor.

There was no need to use the saber this time. Blood poured from the two sockets where the Kat's eyes had once been.

Stepping over the body, Yella made for Tauss' cabin. She opened the top drawer where he kept his most treasured possessions. A silver pistol gleamed. Several bullets were beside it. Yella took them and loaded the pistol before tucking it into her robe.

Outside, the fight raged on. It wasn't long before Yella grabbed the pistol from her robe, cocked it and held it at arm’s length. In a rolling flash, she managed to shoot down the remaining Kats who were still fighting the Darths.

Gunshots echoed throughout the ship and the walls were now decorated with bullet-holes. But the Darths had survived. Yella returned to a standing position at the other side of the ship. She blew the smoke from the top of the pistol.

Tauss croaked through the smoke “Hey, that pistol's mine!”

Yella pushed it across the floor to him. “You're welcome. I only saved your life, after all!”

Noont was next to appear from the cloud of smoke. He was coughing and spluttering. His face was bruised and there was a large cut in his right arm. Limping to the nearest chair, he slumped down into it.

“I think that's all of 'em. Thanks, Yella. You saved our bacon out there.”

Yella looked at Noont with an approving smile. But her attention soon turned to the pile of coffee beans still scattered over the floor.

“Need some help with those?”

Yella nodded gratefully “Thank you. It was my last jar, you know?”

They both crouched on the floor, scooping every last bean into the jar. When Yella had fastened the lid and stood up, she turned to find Jayna the Hutt behind her. Like Noont, she was also bruised and weary from the fight.

“Great job out there, Yella. You did us proud.”

Yella tried not to look too smug. She had surely earned an extra jar of coffee for this. But her pride was interrupted by Darth Speed.

“We're at the Meth Star. Brace yourselves. Hopefully we can repair the ship when we land.”

“Good luck with that”, Yella thought. The ship was riddled with bullet holes and most of the furniture had been broken. The Kats had left their mark. It was a small miracle that the ship's computer was still intact.

They landed with a jolt. Jayna the Hutt almost toppled over and had to be supported by Tauss and Noont. They could be gentlemen sometimes. As the ship's door opened, they gathered themselves to leave the ship.

The Meth Star might have looked like shards of broken glass, but it was smooth, almost slippery to walk on. Yella's toes tingled. After being cooped up in the ship for over a week, the vast expanse of the galaxy was a feast for the eyes.

But it wasn't to be enjoyed for long. No sooner had the Darths landed on the Meth Star, they were greeted by two giant Pickles. They were both wearing golden crowns. Yella thought they looked ridiculous.

“Present yourselves to King Dilldah and Queen Dilldoe. We are the rulers of this Star. What is the meaning of your presence here?”

To Yella's astonishment, the Darths bowed. To a couple of giant pickles. Yella concluded that her crew had entirely taken leave of their senses. She wasn't going to bow for anyone.

The Pickle calling himself King Dilldah approached Yella. He stood over her and frowned.

“Why do you not show respect for the Crown?”

Before Yella had a chance to answer, Ani-wan interrupted. Yella cursed her for not being able to tell these two Pickles where they could stick their golden crowns. Sideways.

“Please, Your Grace. Forgive our newest recruit, she has yet to become accustomed to our ways. She originates from Carrivan, where there are no leaders. We hope that in time, she will reform.”

King Dilldoe was still looking at Yella disapprovingly, as though she was a large lump of slime he had trodden in.

“Very well. What is your business here?”

“Our ship was headed for the planet Shaquille. But as you can see, it's in quite a state of disrepair. After being invaded by Kats, we had no choice but to attack. Could you be so kind as to offer your services to us before we leave for Shaquille?”

Queen Dilldah scoffed. Yella glared at her. This was already too much to bear. She had never submitted to any kind of authority and wasn't about to start now. Especially with a couple of self-righteous Pickles who considered themselves some kind of royalty.

She snuck around the back of Tauss again and slid her hand into his pocket. The shining gleam of the pistol didn't attract King Dilldoe's attention. He was too busy listening to Ani-wan's grovelling speech.

“...we would be most grateful to you, and we thank you kindly.”

Dilldoe considered her for a moment.

“Hmm. We have every reason to deny you for your disrespect. But I think we can reach some kind of arrangement. Though there are one or two conditions you will have to fulfil.”

The Darths looked at each other uneasily. They hadn't planned for this. But before they could do anything, the silence of the galaxy was broken by two ear-shattering bangs.

King Dilldoe and Queen Dilldah lay motionless on the floor. Yella stood behind them, the pistol cocked in her hand. Once again, she blew the smoke from the pistol before marching over to Tauss and placing it back into his pocket. He stared at her, open-mouthed.

Jayna was the first to speak. “Yella. What have you done?”

“They were in my way! Conditions! Where do you think those Kats came from? After sending them to attack our ship, do you really think I was going to bow to these two dunderheads?”

Nobody spoke. A pool of green slime was forming beneath the two dead Pickles, emanating a foul smell. Tauss threw up.

Yella turned and walked ahead. She looked back to face the Darths.

“Well? What are you waiting for?”

They walked in the direction of the repair facility, leaving the Pickles in a cloud of smoke.

...

Steem Wars is an event set up by @gmuxx, where assembled space crews are assigned missions to take part in. You can find out more here.

See you in space!

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