Source

The loss of a family

My son, Caeden, passed away 8 years ago. I made a song about it a few years ago and just recorded/posted it on Dsound. I've never really talked much about this to anyone outside of my family. Of course I've told people about it in the past, but it's not exactly a conversation starter; "Hey, how's it going? My son died 8 years ago".

Just typing that sentence brings me to tears still. I think the big reason for that is that I've never truly come to grips with his loss, and the subsequent loss of my wife. What you are about to read is something that only a handful of people know about. I just don't want to hold it in any longer.

I was at work, at the time I was a General Manager for a McDonald's. I remember being in the office doing some paper work when my wife called my cell phone. When I answered, I can't explain the joy that went through me. She said those words I'd been waiting to hear for 9 months. "I'm going into labor".

Immediately I ran from the office and told one of my assistant's that they will need to cover for me. I had my hands up in the air like I just won the lottery. Jumping up and down, running to the door like a student leaving for summer break. Everyone of my employees were ecstatic for me, giving me high fives the whole way out.

Once I reached our house, I ran it and helped my wife to the car. Her mom had drove up there as fast as she could, as she lived 30 minutes away, so we waited a few minutes. Once her mom was there, I got in the back seat with my wife and her mom drove us to the hospital. Words honestly can't express any of the emotions, thoughts, etc. going through my head at that time. I was about to meet my son for the first time.

Once we were at the hospital, she was taken immediately to a room in the maternity ward. I don't remember how long it all took. It just seems like it was just a snap of the finger, but at the same time seems like it lasted for days. At some point, I saw my son be born. God, he was a beautiful boy. Had his mother's eyes, my nose, my ugly ass toes, lol.

I have to write a bit about how this little boy changed my life. Before we found out she was pregnant, I wasn't the most productive member of society. Just a couple years before that I was literally living on a beach in Florida bumming money so I could party every night. Don't get me wrong, living on the beach in Panama City, Florida during the summer, in 2008, was a blast. However, I wasn't going anywhere with my life.

Once we found out she was pregnant, we did what any good southern girl wants. We got married. From that moment on, I didn't have the ability to be a lazy shithole anymore. I had a family. I was a father, a husband, a provider. I quickly got a job at a McDonald's location as a shift manager. I kicked my ASS for that place.

I would take every shift they offered. Someone can't come in? I got it. Need someone to run to another store for supplies, even on my off day? No problem, I got it. At one time I literally worked for over 24 hours because different people called out or what not. I lived at that restaurant, and due to my hard work and dedication, within 2 years I was promoted 4 times. I moved at a lightning pace to become a General Manager of a 3 million dollar business. All because of my family.




You see, my father was in prison for bank robbery from the time I was about 1 years old. I never knew him. I got to know him for a short time when he got out of prison when I was 17, but that was very short, as he went back in shortly after.

I think that is the whole reason that my whole life I wanted a family of my own. I've always known I would be a great Dad. Everytime I would hear stories about deadbeat fathers, or fathers who don't spend time with their kids... I've just never understood it. WHY?! It's your child. That's such an AMAZING opportunity for LIFE. I mean that's what it is, life. No other way to put it.

Leading up to the delivery date I was a mad man. I was baby proofing everything. His enitre room was sanded down and I was painting it all, even hand drawing the winnie the pooh characters on his wall. Had his room set up perfectly, all light blue winnie the pooh. All this while working 60+ hour weeks. I was a man on a mission, but that all ended abruptly that Sunday in June.

After Caeden was born, there were some issues immediately. He wasn't responding appropriately and the nurses and the doctor quickly kicked me and the rest of the family out of the room. Immediately I started to panic, I think I even yelled at a few of the nurses at the waiting station. It wasn't their fault, but I was beside myself.

For what felt like hours, I stood outside the door just waiting for something. Some glimmer of hope. None ever came. When the door finally opened, the doctor was standing there and said those infamous words I will hear in my head forever, "I'm sorry".

I literally collapsed right there on the spot. Dropped like a 200 pound bag of potatoes. THUD. I couldn't move. The only thing that finally brought me to was my mother telling me that Toree really needed me right now. I went into the room with her and went to her side. We just cried, and cried, and cried. I don't know how long we sat there and cried, but it must have been for quite a while, because it was day time when she had given birth, and by the time I left her side to go get a bottle of water, it was night time.

Photo by nikko macaspac on Unsplash
The next couple of weeks we were both in a daze. She was practically catatonic, and I was constantly in tears. I didn't go to work for a week or so, but had to go back. Bills. Because I had to go back to work, we decided that it would be best for her to go stay with her family for a little while so that she wouldn't be left alone at the house.

A couple weeks after that, she came back home. We were laying in bed cuddling, but something just didn't feel right. When you live with someone for a couple years, and you have been intimate, you KNOW them. Something about her was off, and it wasn't just that we lost our child a couple weeks ago. I asked her what was wrong, and she replied "Nothing". I was always able to read her like a book and immediately I just had this gut wrenching feeling.

"Are you seeing someone?". Yea, I know, that's not exactly the next logical step in the conversation, but I couldn't help it. That feeling was all over her, I could just sense it. She jerked around and looked me in the eyes, and at that moment she didn't even have to say anything. I knew.

It all came together later that night when my mom and my sister came over to console me. As we were talking about it, I think my sister brought up the bacterial infection. The doctor told us that one major possibility of this infection is due to having multiple sexual partners while being pregnant. That this can introduce different bacteria into the body. I honestly KNEW that was impossible, it didn't even cross my mind. That wasn't the cause, it was one of the more rarer causes of the infection, I just KNEW IT... but I was wrong.

My wife's infidelity caused the death of our child. The marriage, obviously, was over. I filed for divorce and we barely saw each other after that. In a matter of two weeks my entire life crashed. I lost my son, I lost my wife, I lost my mind.

I went into such a depression that I'm amazed I ever came out of it. In a daze, I moved my bed into Caeden's room and turned that into my room. I literally didn't leave that room unless I had to go to work. I moved the T.V. in there, bought a little mini fridge for beside the bed. I didn't even go to my actual bathroom to use the restroom. I would pee in cups, bottles, bowls. Sick? Sure. I was sick. I was barely human at that point in time.

It had got so bad that my family would take turns that once or twice a week, sometimes more, they would come over to clean up my room. If they didn't, it would have never been clean. I probably would've got some disease from laying in all of that filth. The level of serious depression lasted for over a year. Eventually, with the help of my family, especially my sister and mother, I slowly but surely came back to life.

I'm not the person I was before Caeden and Toree. She took something from me that I don't think I'll ever get back. I can't describe it, but it feels like a part of my soul, who I am, is gone.

I look back at pictures of me before all of this, and I was constantly smiling. Always had a smile on my face and was always that guy who wanted to brighten up your day. The guy who did nutty crazy things just because he wanted to make the people around him smile. I believed the world was such a beautiful place, and I still try to see things like that... it's just... hard. Very hard. When you've dealt with so much loss, life becomes a bit more bland, a bit less colorful. It loses it's "awe".

I know, this wasn't exactly an uplifting story, and that's what Steemit seems to really push, but life isn't all uplifting. Really though, I just had to share this. In 8 years, I've honestly never really put it down into words like this. Crazy that at the beginning of writing this article, I was in tears... Now, I don't know, there's a certain level of relief. This weird sense of, enjoyment? No, not enjoyment. Just feels like a weight is lifting. I'm sure it's a momentary thing, but maybe with talking and writing about it more, it might be a permanent thing. Man, that would be amazing to have that weight gone forever.

Anyway, enough of my rambling. Thank you for reading about my loss. I hope this did something for you, not sure what, but either way, thank you for just being there for me to tell this story to.

---

Guest post by @jamesgetsit