ALM TE YORX ETTE 

A LETTER TO MY EX

by: Christine Francisco

 I clenched my hand as I tried to remember. Remember the exact words, how I felt, what I did, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t remember how I said yes a year ago. I couldn’t even remember how we ended up having a conversation like that. All I can remember was the way I smiled when I looked at your dark brown eyes and the feeling inside me that hurt. It feels like a bumblebee is inside me, buzzing it’s way from my heart to the pit of my stomach. It hurt, it really did, but in the best way.

I remember the crease in your eyebrows whenever you’re pissed at me, or when I’m teasing you or you cracking a joke that was basically a failure. You would also roll your eyes when you’re jealous or trying to hide a smile whenever I would be randomly sweet. I could draw the crease just when you would do something you are passionate about or studying for an exam as I’ve seen it countless times.

I remember that loud snore of yours and the calm beating of your heart when asleep. The way you wrapped your arms around me as I listen to your heartbeat until I drift closer to my dreams. The thought of doodling on your face makes me smile to this day. I loved looking at you while you were sleeping soundly, with a drool and your eyes half-opened. I couldn’t remember what I was thinking but I knew I was happy.

I remember telling you how much I loved your hands, but most of it was just the part where my fingers were intertwined with yours. Your touches still burns in my skin from the first day we met to our last meeting. Your hands were my favourite part of you as it is your everything. The way you play, or do something you love.

I remember how you loved spicy Japanese food that I almost loathed it because we would eat there every other day. We would plan to reduce the amount of food intake but eating is a much better option. You love burgers more than pizza but we would always order pizza at the mall. I’ve always known how you liked your coffee. The way you mix drinks at Gulp, I subconsciously copied it.

I remember how we were back then. All the things we shared, the promises we made, and all those dreams we built. I am always in awe whenever you’ll do your thing, or whenever you’ll put up a suit because baby, you look so damn fine in it. The way we kiss and held each other, or be mean and trash talk others.

I remember how I awful were the times when we would have a fight, funny, because I couldn’t even remember why. I could remember a thousand feelings, letters and poems that I wrote, songs that I sang. All those laughter and tears, what were they for?

I remember, I remember a lot of things. From the way you smile, to your voice, almost everything. But my memory is now fading. My memory of yours. I can only look back and smile at the thought of how I felt back then but I couldn’t even fathom why I was happy. No more reasons or words can make me remember. Just a little bit of what I felt remained. Because as my memory fades of us, I started remembering who I am.

As our memories fades in my heart, I learned to love myself a little more.