Please sit back & enjoy Iwalewa III!
December 7th 2007, a day that I'd
never forget, the number seven was
supposed to bring me luck. Now I
hated it with a passion. Mr. Light
skin and his friends had their way
with me, they were even more excited
when they discovered that I had never
been touched by a man before.
I was thrown into the backseat of
their car, where they forced two
shots of Hennessy down my throat and
tried to shove weed into my mouth but
I spit at them and cursed the day
that they were born. That seemed to
turn them on even more, they laughed
in my face. We finally got to our
destination after about 10 minutes.
It was a deserted filthy alley way,
they proceeded to take turns in the
backseat. After the second violator,
I became numb. I couldn't yell nor
shed another tear. My life was
officially over. Mr. Light skin was
the last one to mount the platform, I
looked him square in his eyes. At
first he hesitated and I saw a hint
of fear reflecting from his glare,
then his counterparts began to cheer
him on and offered him another puff
of weed.
He suddenly turned into a wild breast
and tortured me until I felt life
seep through my body. I don't know
how I made it but I found myself at
home. Thankfully everyone was asleep,
so I tiptoed into my room and locked
the door behind me. I looked into my
full length mirror and
couldn't recognize the girl that
stared back at me, I looked down and
saw drops of blood on my jeans. I
felt filthy, used, and violated. I
felt like crying but the tears
wouldn't surface. I ripped my clothes
off and entered the shower, at first
the water was warm and it was
soothing my body. But I suddenly felt
a surge of rage and adjusted the
facet to boiling hot water. I stood
in the shower until I felt like I was
about to pass out.
Now on my bed, I wondered where God
was when all this was happening. I
couldn't utter a word of prayer. Or
was he trying to stop me when I
suddenly felt the urge to turn and go
back into Wendy's or when it kept
coming to my mind to pick up the
phone? Nah, he is the almighty, he
could have stopped it if he wanted
to. But why me? What did I ever do to
deserve this? I wasn't perfect but I
tried! I prayed and studied the Word
everyday, went to church, was a
virgin...well until today anyway.
Sigh, why does bad things happen to
good people? Or maybe I wasn't good
enough, maybe I didn't pray or fast
enough, maybe I wasn't holy enough
because I liked to watch reality tv
shows and used cursed words once in a
while when joking around with my
friends.
After that experience I became a
changed girl, I was scarred for life.
All my family and friends noticed it.
The once bubbly, full of life,
friendly me died that day, December
7th 2007. I was always angry and
irritable and I found it difficult to
trust people. I stopped praying and
only went to church when mummy forced
me too. When I was there I didn't
bother paying attention, I didn't
believe that God was good nor did he
love me. He had his selected few...he
had his favorites and I wasn't one of
them.
I kept to myself most of the time,
avoided hanging out with friends and
blamed it on my long hours at work.
My room became my solace, it was only
in there that I felt safe. Mummy
would come and check on me from time
to time and I'd blame my sudden MIA
behavior on school. She knew
something was wrong, I guess it is
what you call a woman's institution
but she called it perception. She'd
try to encourage me with the Word of
God, Romans 8:28 was one of her
favorite scriptures: "And we know
that all things work together for
good to them that love God, to them
who are the called according to his
purpose." I'd plaster a very
believing fake smile on my face and
shout "AMEN!!!" and then laugh
hysterically once she walked out of
the room. Yea right, how could what
happen to me work together for my
good?
Christmas was once my favorite
holiday but this year, I wished that
it had disappeared from the calendar
and people's minds. I didn't want to
be happy, I didn't want to celebrate
the birth of Jesus because I died two
weeks ago, I didn't want to do the
usual spending time cooking, eating,
and exchanging gifts with the family.
I just wanted to stay in my room and
day dream about a better life, a life
void of pain, sadness,
disappointments and secrets. In my
day dreams I was free. I had a great
life, there were no tears or
darkness, I was happy once again.
However at nighttime, I came back to
reality. My nights were filled with
sleepless nights, once I closed my
eyes, nightmares took over. With
scenes from December 7th 2007 taking
center stage. Thank God for my new
discovery, sleeping pills. They came
in handy once in a while, making me
too sleepy to wake up in cold sweats
and screams of terror. But they only
worked when I overdosed on them. I
didn't want my family to experience
another loss, so I'd overdose three
times a week and endure the
nightmares for the rest of the week.
I felt lost and empty, I hated my
life. I didn't feel pretty enough and
even though I had lost 20 pounds, I
felt fat. My love for food had
dwindled, I just ate to survive. I
thought the ringing in of the new
year would turn my weeping into
dancing but I still felt bound.
Unable to move on with my life. I was
stuck on December 7th 2007 even
though it was now February 28, 2008.
There was no day that went by that I
did not think about the incident.
They say time heals all wounds,
either that was a lie or this wound
could not be healed.
One day I heard mummy praying for me
fervently as I walked past her room.
She did all that she could to get me
to open up, but I made up my mind to
never utter a word about what
happened. I knew that she couldn't
bare the pain, so I decided to be her
and my burden bearer.
"Father in the name of Jesus, I place
Iwalewa before you. I declare it is
well with her, I declare wholeness
spirit, soul, and body. I declare
healing from every hurt in the name
of Jesus. I declare that she is kept
by you father, that no evil befalls
her in the mighty name of Jesus!!!
Father when I was pregnant with her
you told me that she was special and
that you have sent her as a prophet
to her generation. You told me that
she'd do great and mighty things in
your name. I declare that no weapon
fashioned against her shall prosper,
no plan of the enemy concerning her
can stand, she stands perfect and
complete in your Will. In Jesus' name
I pray, Amen."
For the first time in a long while, I
cried. Was that really true? How can
I, do mighty things for God? I was
too messed up, too broken, there was
no way that he could use me. What did in
I have to offer. No, not me. Not
Iwaoluwalewa. My life was over before
it started, God had changed his mind.
No, not me.