"Ta hell wit it!", slammed my empty miller lite can on the bar counter and looked around. "Who-- when'd this fucker get here?" in my head--An old man was staring at me in the corner booth-- the bartender still wasnt around, I lurched forward and strode out--
"Hey!"--I turned around, the bartender walking at me with a cigarette in his hand, cold night breath pumping out like fog from that bald reflecting head-- I kept walking, hearing bits of his calling, and glance back to check the distance but hes already on me, two hands grab my collar and im violated, shoved into his face, spit flying--"You little shit piece", he had a French accent, "you order 5 miller lite, where pay, you fuck! I fuck you up!"--I grabbed the knots of bone on his wrists and squeezed and twisted as hard as I could, scrambling--"Ahh!" he flung off me gripping and massaging his wrist bones and I took off running to the bridge--"You fuckheir!", howled out some distance behind me.
After a short while I was tired and walking and stopped looking behind me for a mad bald French man. My eyes were collecting the ground and I kept walking knowing how to get there innately, my head wrapped up in thoughts of "this is it! no turning back" trying to stay as un-'twizted' as possible-- "because why, by this horrible mess convoluted in arbitrary loneliness and made-do suffering of 'she's the one'--they're all the one, and maybe they are, but this one, this one!-- gah!"-- "my goddam planets never said anything about this"-- and before I knew it, I was walking on that bridge, set to fall somehow--"no--will fall!"-- I climbed over the partition and felt the sweeping wind, my deathly aversion to heights sinking in my stomach like a cave-- god! "give me a sign or something"-- I thought to pull out my I Ching app and ask it if I should jump--I lingered, lit a cigarette and thought yeah maybe I should.
--"Excuse me, hey--hey buddy" some guy was near me on the other side of the rail, "is everything okay guy? come on, talk to me"-- I made a noise like "euh--" short breathed and freaked at his sight, darting my eyes back and forth between him trying to get closer and the expanse of my fall surrounded in black vertigo night, the sound of water over rocks and this baritone hero trying earn his badge for doing the right thing--I lost sense in it all, loosely feeling the rail in one hand not wanting to let go to this inglorious moment and the other hand holding my cell phone with the app open on the 3 coins-shake method, numbers piling up--"hey buddy, you with me?"--dark flinging stomach sinking head spinning-- "too much beer and cigarettes!" I couldn't tell if that was yelled out or a screaming thought-- Dizzier and dizzier, I felt my legs go and my body collapse to blackness.
I woke up in the hospital the next morning and heard all about the hero who "saved" my life-- "He grabbed you just in the nick of time--was just out on a walk, said he never takes walks at night but something was different and called him out--" the police officer was telling me, and with some solemnity, began, "this is your second chance to do something great with your life. Never lose hope-- my pop was an alcoholic--" I tuned him out thinking, "my god, what is this-- my life is a seamless joke! one day to the next-- I need, I need--always that-- and how much is this hospital gonna try and run me"-- the morning newspaper is sitting open to a picture of the man who saved me, "it never helped him the least bit, he never thought of the people he was leaving behind-- how'd it hurt us!" the officer was saying-- "but im a lone tiger-- gah! Still a kid the way I think!-- of course, my family would be upset-- but im no sacrificial vessel, and, and"-- it all seemed pointless, I didn't necessarily want to commit suicide, just a way to not exist, to go away-- "but haven't I thought the same thing everywhere I go?--which is what always leads me to somewhere new-- conditioned in the same light, everytime. But really I--" and I started to speak out loud cutting into the officers sad pop story, "Really I don't want to kill myself"-- and I couldn't think of a good excuse for last night, so I sat quiet and pensive, the officer had enough respect to let me remain that way and gather my speech-- "I wasnt trying to-- I, I just wanted to look over the rail-- I'm very nervous around heights, see, and I just wanted to confront my fears in a way--" my god! He wasn't buying it, "well, Mark said he approached you calmly asking questions and said you were spooked and frantic"--"I was spooked because I'm afraid of heights and he interrupted my medititation to confront this fear"--the officer raised his brow and shook his head a little bit, and I went on "if he hadn't of interrupted me, I would of climbed back over after about 10 minutes, its a routine that increases the more I do it--you know, the longer I stand there and can tolerate it"--"you were drunk man, look"--I cut him off, "only had a little"--he let out a breath, shook his head a little swivel and got up, pushing the chair against the wall--"I just had a little beer to calm the nerves" and he opens the door walks through and I blurt out, "that guy didn't save me, he almost killed me" exaggerated tones, and the officer stood in the doorway to hear it all, then walked away without looking back, the heavy door closing on its own behind him.
I scrambled around for my phone, finding it on a table in the corner with the rest of my stuff. I wanted to read the I Ching, looking for some meaning in this whole thing. The app was still running and needed one more shake when I unlocked my phone-- I shook it, conjuring up my messy ruffled spirit in one deep breath that gathered like a girls fanned out dress gathers when she stands-- and it took my shake, computed its relation to me and gave me the message from god, 'grace' as my first hexagram and I stopped short at the last line description, "serious issues are not meant for jokes".
Brought to you by ABC (Alcohol Beverage Control) Police Department
Sponsored by Win A Kid Foundation
Drink responsibily this New Years, seriously.