The Secret Life of Wood - Version 2.0

I found this story on my gdrive today. It is not the original, but unfortunately that got destroyed years ago.
So I present to you:

The Secret Life of Wood - Abridged

Travellers beware, for there is a little known secret pertaining to the species known - commonly – as wood.
Many a person have stumbled blindly into the glaring trap that wood springs upon the unwary, but fear not, for this guide will prepare any so unlucky to meet the inevitable fate that awaits.
When encountering wood in the wild, the first thing you want to do, is to determine if it is hostile. The area in which you encounter wood is often an indicator as to the nature of its intentions.
Oft times city-based wood can be extremely aggressive and even dangerous. Victims have been known to gather in centres where they discuss their encounters with unwanted wood. If the wood is not hostile – one can simply tame it by rubbing its head gently between your fingers for a few minutes. Depending on the type of wood, it may require the use of an entire hand. Remember when encountering young wood to avoid any interaction with it, as this leads to encounters with extremely aggressive wood in 90% of the cases reported. If the wood you have engaged is friendly, it will soon release warm soothing nectar, which is good for the skin and heals all ailments.
In most cases, it is unlikely for a male to encounter hostile wood – unless he travels alone at night. Females however, must be extra wary of the dangers that wood present. Oftentimes encounters with wood can lead to infection of the womb, leading to undesired alien offspring. There are some precautions one can take to avoid hostile encounters – even if female. Attempt to appear manly, as this form of camouflage often fools wood and can even destroy it in some cases.
If friendly wood is encountered, as a male, it is considered socially acceptable to gently pet it and release its soothing nectar. If a co-worker offers to play with the wood, it is considered polite to oblige his or her request.
If wood is to be avoided completely, one should attempt to avoid its natural habitat. This includes, but is not limited to, shellfish – particularly clams and oysters, Afrikaans boxes and Dutch cats.

Remember that when engaging wood, one should always appease it quickly, as wood can often move in packs and the result will more than likely be undesirable.