Story of Grace

I was lying on the floor of my modest ashram cell curled up in the foetus position. It was another hot night in Kerala, but temperature was the last of my worries. I was facing another nightmare. A nightmare of a whole new level.

I sometimes experienced nightmares in my childhood and even later on, but this was different. There was no story to relate to, no demons to run from, no bone chilling situation which would at least have some tie to this world. This was pure liquefied field of fear and terror where I was stuck in the timeless dark of the void, without hope, terribly alone, shattered by mind-boggling frequencies of abyss. No visuals, no story, no time, nothing to grasp to, just pure karmic cellular fear of the highest grade. It wasn’t the first time either. I have been struggling with these states ever since I had my first transcending experience of Oneness some 4 months earlier. After heaven I was to walk the fires of hell. It put me through ring of trials that left me fragile and tender.

They were not just nightmares, as I later realized, which also explained why I did not just snap out of the terror when I finally manage to wake up. I was purifying a big chunk of my individual and even collective human karma. These states lingered on, sometimes until dawn, even in waken state. Every dawn I’d feel like I went through an epic battle of Light against dark, chewed up and spat out, without any energy left in me. That was what put me on the road this time and eventually led me from a small island in Thailand to the south of India. The teaching that was given to me, which eventually saved my life, was the wisdom of Gene Keys (system derived from the ancient Chinese I-Ching). Every day I would spend hours in my bamboo hut studying, contemplating, meditating and invoking the Seventh Sacred Seal of Grace (mystical branch of Gene Keys).

That night in India, as I lay there shaking and facing the most primal fear of them all- fear of Death, fear of end of Existence- I mustered all my will and stopped my panic run. I did my very best to face the fear and invite it in. By then I already understood, that every human fear can only be transcended by letting it fully in. In that moment, to stop running from Death was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But the reward for it was the greatest gift I was ever given. I saw a small drop of light descend upon me and as it touched my body, I exploded into a supernova of light. With my eyes closed, I saw the inside of my body, I saw every single cell and the light curled up around every DNA molecule, waiting to be unleashed, as it suddenly exploded into light in the moment when that drop of Divine Grace touched me. I went from state of absolute terror into the state of cosmic bliss that no words can ever describe, in space of a heartbeat. My body unclenched and completely relaxed.

Last thing I remember was lying on my back with arms wide open and the tears of Gratitude and Bliss streaming down my cheeks. Then I merged with the ocean of unconditional Love and my individual self ceased to exist.

The next morning I woke up and I knew that my life has changed forever. It wasn’t a mind memory, a dream, it was a cellular certainty. Last night I received the tenderest hug of the Primary Creator. And tears of Joy still come even now as I am typing these lines and remembering. Nightmares did come back, less often, but they could not possess me fully anymore. From that night when I exploded into supernova of Light, even in the darkest night of my soul there was a tiny prickle of light somewhere, reminding me that I was not alone, that I was safe, that I was loved so fiercely that no human love could fathom the intensity of it, and that Death was just another portal into my infinite immortal heart.

Yes God Is. God is all there is. It is not a Catholic or Muslim God and it does not care for the G word either. It does not reside in some special place and it will not punish you for your sins. It is not separate from us by anything but mind illusions. It is the all-pervading Divine Consciousness and Divine Grace is its highest agent of Love. If I was to condense this life changing experience into one message, it would be this:

Fear is Safe. Trust it, Trust EVERY THING because you are immortal and infinite and LOVED beyond your wildest dreams. Every suffering is a blessing in disguise, if you just let go and trust and dive in. Rejoice!

Love to all,

Jan