Once upon a time a fox sat on a river bank and smoked a joint. A beaver saw the fox, walked up to her and asked,
"Hi, fox, let me have a drag?"
The fox looked at the beaver and said,
"Yes, but you can only have one drag. To make it more effective, inhale, hold your breath, dive into the river and swim to the opposite bank. Then, when you are at the opposite bank, exhale and have fun."
The beaver did as the fox said; he took a deep drag, jumped into the river, swam to its opposite side, crawled up a sandy bank, exhaled, and like, spread on the beach, wallowing in nirvana and stuff. Meanwhile, the hippo was passing by, saw the beaver lying on the bank, came to him and asked
"Beaver, why are so mellow and chill and stuff? Like, what's the secret of your peaceful tranquility, internal balance, and shit?"
And the beaver said like,
"You see, up there is a fox, on the other bank, and she kinda has a joint with a really cool stuff and all that. So you kinda can swim there and ask her for a sip, and it'll kinda make you chill and relaxed, like, reaching the heights of serene contemplation and all that."
So the hippo swam to the other side of the river where the fox chilled, like, laid on the sand with her eyes closed in pleasure and relaxation and all that. So the hippo came up to the fox and said,
"Listen, fox, can I have a drag?" And the fox opened her eyes, saw the hippo, and then she kinda freaked out, like, her eyes went wide in surprise and all that, and she was like, "Shit, WTF?! Beaver, EXHALE!"
A hedgehog is sitting on a tree trunk and meditates, "I'm very strong, I'm so strong, I'm the strongest creature in the forest," A bear passes by, sees a hedgehog sitting on the tree trunk and gives him a hearty kick in the butt. The hedgehog is flying through the air and keeps meditating "I'm very strong...so strong... but... I'm also very light,"
A bear is sitting in the clearing in the forest and chilling, like, there's a relaxing atmosphere, flowers, and stuff. Then suddenly a rabbit emerges out of nowhere, comes up to the bear and starts picking on him,
"You are a dumb, cowardly shit, like, let's fight, I'll beat the crap out of you and stuff, let's go fight and see who's the best fighter in this forest and stuff,"
The bear looks at the rabbit, and kinda tries not to get fazed, like, stay patient and calm and stuff. To preserve his internal balance, in other words. The rabbit meanwhile gets more furious, jumps around the bear shaking his fists, and like,
"I'll destroy you, beat you to the pulp," this kind of stuff.
Eventually, the bear is fed up with this crap, so he turns his back on the rabbit and shits on him. And the pile of shit is kinda massive, so the rabbit is kinda stuck there and cannot get out. Then the bear goes away to find some another place where he wouldn't be disturbed and can restore his internal balance and stuff. After a while, a squirrel comes by and sees the rabbit stuck in a pile of shit. So the squirrel comes up, helps the rabbit to get out, and asks what happened. The rabbit comes to his senses, spits out all the dung that stuck in his mouth and says like,
"Yeah, I've just challenged the bear to a fight. And he was so scared that, as you can see, he shitted himself,"
A farmer comes to a pub, and he has a huge shiner and bruises all over his face, missing teeth, and stuff. The barman asks him,
"What on Earth happened, why do you look like you've been hit by a truck or something?"
And the farmer thinks a bit and says,
"You know, there are things that are really hard to explain,"
The barman insists,
"What do you mean hard to explain?"
So the farmer relents and says,
"Ok, I'll tell you a story. Today I was milking a cow. The cow stood in a stall, and I was sitting there with a bucket under the cow's tits and like, yanking them cow's tits and stuff. And everything went well until I had half a bucket of milk, and then the cow kicked the bucket with its right hind leg, and the bucket overturned, and all the milk spilled to the ground and stuff. So I decided, I wouldn't allow this to repeat. So I found a piece of a rope and tied the cow's right leg to the right pole of the stall. Then again, I started to milk the cow and again, when I had half a bucket of milk, the cow kicked the bucket with its left leg, and the bucket overturned, and I realized once again that I needed to start my work from scratch. So again I found another piece of a rope and tied the cow's left leg to the opposite pole of the stall. Then again I started to milk the cow, and this time the cow swung its tail and overturned the bucket for the third time. Ok, I thought, I need to fix the tail too. But I couldn't find any rope so I took off my belt and started attaching the cow's tail to the beam above the stall. So it was like that, the cow standing with its legs wide spread, me, standing behind the cow and attaching its tail to the beam above. Then two things happened simultaneously: My pants fell down, and my wife came in. So well, as I told you, there are things that are really hard to explain,"
The knight is on a quest to slay a dragon, so he's kinda wandering in the mountains, looking for the dragon and stuff. Eventually, he sees a huge cave and thinks like,
"Oh, this is probably the place where the dragon is hiding,"
So he enters the cave and starts shouting
"Hey, dragon, come out and let's fight, I'm here to defeat you and stuff,"
Then he hears a voice
"Ok, let it be, we'll fight, but first, please stop screaming into my asshole,"
Two economists travel through the desert. They see a big pile of manure. One tells to another,
"You see? There is this pile of manure. According to the economic theory, would you eat it if I give you like, $10,000?"
The second economist thinks a bit and agrees. So he takes $10,000 and eats the pile of manure. Then they continue traveling through the desert and see another pile of manure. This time the second economist asks the first
"Like, according to the economic theory would you eat this pile of manure if I give you $10,000?"
The first economist hesitates but ten grand is ten grand, so eventually, he gives up and eats the pile of manure and takes the money. Then they continue their voyage through the desert. After a while, the first economist comes out of his ruminations and says,
"Listen... doesn't it seem to you like we've just gratuitously eaten two piles of manure?"
There's an international survival competition, in which one needs to cross a river full of alligators, then enter the cave with a Giant Cyclops, punch him in the eye and come out alive. During the last trial, a contender has to shag a mermaid. So, a Frenchman, an American, and a Russian participate in the competition. First goes a Frenchman, drinks a glass of wine and swiftly tries to swim over the river with gators. He almost makes it, but, alas, near the end a huge gator emerges out of the depths and swallows him. The end.
Then goes the American, a huge guy with muscles and tattoos and stuff, so he like, warms up, mentally prepares and stuff, drinks a Whiskey shot and jumps into the river. The alligators are all over him, but he's kinda really hardcore and stuff, so he punches the gators into oblivion, exits the river and enters the Cyclops cave. Then there's a sound of punches and struggle and then silence. The end.
Then it's the Russian's turn, and he's kind of a gangster-type with tattooed churches, hammer, and sickle on the forehead, this kind of stuff. So he naturally drinks a bottle of Vodka, jumps into the river; the alligators just swim away, sorta they are already scared by the American and stuff, and here this. So the Russian crosses the river and enters the cave with the Cyclops inside. Then there's like, a lot of noise from the cave, then the Russian lumbers out unsteadily like, rocking from side to side, cuz he drank a bottle of Vodka after all. And eventually, he kinda manages to focus and says like,
"Well.. where's that your mermaid I have to punch in the eye?"
A rabbit, a wolf, and a bear live in a forest, and the wolf goes total psycho; he bullies and harasses the rabbit, beats him up all the time, like, there's no moment of respite and stuff. So the rabbit comes to the bear and says,
"Look, the wolf is a total psycho, I cannot stand it anymore, like, can you do something about that?"
And the bear says,
"Ok, next time the wolf picks on you, ask him like, Wolf, where's your Fedora?"
So, the next day the rabbit walks in the forest, minding his business and stuff, and here's the Wolf waiting for him to beat him up and all that. And the rabbit says like,
"Wolf, where's your Fedora?"
And the wolf is really confused
"My Fedora? Like, eh... I don't know.."
And at that moment the Bear emerges from the bushes behind the Wolf, holding a heavy manhole lid in his hands, and he's like,
"Hey, Wolf, here's your Fedora!"
And with those words, he smashes the Wolf in the head with the manhole lid. So after several months Wolf comes out of the hospital and walks through the forest looking for the Rabbit, and he's all furious, aching for revenge, this kind of stuff. Eventually, he sees the Rabbit, and he's like,
"Yeah, here we go, this sweet moment of vengeance," and stuff.
So he comes up to the Rabbit with an intention to fuck him up for good, and the Rabbit says,
"Listen, Wolf, Where's your watch?"
The Wolf is totally perplexed; he suspects that there's something fishy going on, but fortunately, he wears a watch, so he points to his watch and says triumphantly,
"Here is my watch!"
And then he hears the Bear behind him saying,
"Yeah... and here's your Fedora."
The Wild West, three Native Americans are captured in a small town and held in prison. After a while, they escape, and the town's residents are determined to re-capture them and bring them back into prison, so they organize a searching party, and eventually, they capture them again. Before sending them to prison, the Sheriff comes to the captives and asks,
"How did you manage to escape?"
And they are like,
"Ok, so we were brought to this prison. So we sit in this prison on the first day. Then we sit in this prison on the second day. On the third day our brother, whose name is Vigilant Eagle, by the way, because of his sharp eyesight, noticed that one wall is missing."
A traveling salesman arrives in a new city. So he rides on a bus and sees a nun walking down the street. And he's, naturally, a horny young man, so the nun captures his fancy - the shape of her curves, and all that. So the salesman asks the bus driver like,
"Do you know maybe something about this nun whom we've just passed? Like, she looks really cool - the shape of her curves and stuff. Like, I wonder if I can find her and have like, a conversation with her, and stuff."
And the bus driver - a fat bald man with a big mustache - says,
"Yeah, I know this nun, she lives in a monastery nearby. But I doubt that you can approach her just like that because she's really pious and stuff. But here's a trick. She has this crazy idea that one day an angel from Heaven is going to descend to the Earth and have sex with her, well, because she's so faithful and devoted and stuff. Like, the way it happened to Virgin Mary in the Bible. So what I suggest: I can send her a mystery note on behalf of some obscure heavenly creature - an angel - that like, the time has come, and he'd be waiting for her at the cemetery at midnight tomorrow. So, the thing is, you go to the cemetery, pretend to be an angel, and fuck her. And everybody is happy and stuff. What do you think?"
So the salesman decides that it's a really smart and cunning plan and tells the bus driver to go ahead and send her the mysterious message, and he'll go to the cemetery at midnight and do the rest. So, the time comes; it's the midnight, and the salesman hides in the bushes at the cemetery. So, he sees the vague silhouette of the nun, standing near some grave, approaches her from behind and says,
"Oh, dear child, your prayers have been heard, and the forces of Good sent me - the Angel - here to reward you for your devotion and piety, and all that."
And the nun is, naturally, smitten and speechless, and the salesman lift her robes and fucks her. So, after a while, he climaxes, and then a mischievous idea comes to him. He thinks, well, now I'm going to shock her. So he laughs and says loudly,
"You know what, I'm not actually the Angel. I'm a Salesman!"
And the nun turns around, removes her hood and says,
"And I'm the bus driver!"
The police discover records from an illegal clandestine tournament where participants had to lift weights with their dicks. So the investigator studies the materials and reads,
"The first round: The German athlete tied a fifty-kilo piece of rail to his dick and tried to lift it. Unfortunately, it was too much; his dick snapped off, and the German died from bleeding."
The investigator continues reading,
"The second round: The Russian athlete tied hundred kilo piece of pig iron bathtub to his dick and tried to lift it. Oh, what a pity! His dick snapped off, and the Russian died from bleeding."
Then, on the next page,
"Now it's the finals! And we have the Ethiopian athlete in the finals. He is going to use the might of his dick to lift 200-kilo concrete slab! Yes! He's attached the concrete slab to his dick, now he tries to lift it! But what's that? Oh my! the metal cable attaching the concrete slab to his dick suddenly snaps! Well, it's regrettable, but the Ethiopian athlete has just died from the hit in the forehead with the dick"
A guy buys a bag of apples, gets home, picks one of the apples to eat, and sees that it's all covered in maggot trails. He picks the next and sees the same. So he begins to check every apple in the bag, trying to find at least one that's clean, but all the apples, judging by the appearance, are apparently eaten by worms. So the guy pulls the last apple from the bag, hoping that maybe, by some miracle, this apple would be clean. Because he wants to eat an apple so much, and stuff. So he looks at the apple and, at the first glance, it looks Ok. So the guy is in high spirits, like, he's looking forward to having a delicious apple experience and stuff. Then he turns the apple and sees a huge wormhole. So he looks at it in a sort of a daze and sees a huge worm crawling out of the hole, saying,
"Feels frustrating, innit?"
Two Native Americans sit and discuss white people. One says like,
"You know, I really like those white people's names. Like, you know, for example, Elizabeth. Or Eduard. It just sounds cool. I wish we had names like that."
The second Native American objects,
"No, I don't think you are right. In fact, Native American names are more beautiful, and also, they have meaning. Like, for example, I'm the 'Vigilant Eagle' because I have a good eyesight, and also, I'm observant and smart. My brother is the 'Powerful Bison', well, because he is the strongest man in the tribe. So, well, I tend to disagree with you on this point, Pig's Bullocks."
Two tomatoes sit in the fridge. Suddenly, one of them begins to scream,
"Help! We are trapped in this closed space, and I have a severe claustrophobia!"
The second tomato looks at him for a bit and then it too begins to scream,
"Aaaaaaa! A talking tomato!"