Paper thin walls

image credit: epsyclinic.com

The walls in my house are paper thin. You wouldn’t see this as much of a problem if your family was normal, but for me it means going most nights without any sleep. I can hear each word clearly even when they aren’t yelling. I hear doors slamming and feel the vibration that comes afterwards. Some nights it’s quiet, but that’s just because they aren’t home. I prefer those nights because then I get to have a meal without the fear of saying something wrong or doing something wrong. I can get enough rest to pay attention in class the next morning and not get yelled at for falling asleep in class or not doing my homework. Other nights when they are home I try my best to ignore my mom’s cries for help or my dad’s swearing and yelling. I barricade myself in my room and pull a pillow over my head so that the sounds are muffled and a little more tolerable. I used to run away but he would just find me and punish me for leaving; now I stay obedient like a dog. I do what I’m told. Sometimes though not even that is enough I still make him angry without even knowing why or how. My mother just sits there, drunk and weakened, watching as I get lashed over and over again for something I did not do. I play each moment over in my head trying to remember what I did so that I would never do it again. It must be me, it must be my fault. I think what ells can it be.

The kids at school make fun of me because I always wear old torn up clothes and the smell of cigarettes and alcohol lingers around me like a dark cloud, it is clear that the teachers can smell it from the expressions on their faces when they come near me. They don’t say anything and try not to get involved. They try their best to ignore it and continue with their lives.

I’m lost in a dark abyss with no way out. I have no safe haven and no one to turn to. The world gives me one glance and sees only what they want to see.