Him

I’m coming to my peak with this. I say I’m over him, and I am, but to an extent. I still long for something to happen with us, go somewhere, somewhere that’s not here. I long for his affection, his touch, his smile, and his laugh. I want him and only him.

But I will not willow away in my room like a sad soul longing in the dark. I will go out, I will enjoy my life and I will not not weep at the fact that he is not thinking of me. At least, not in public I won’t. At night I will still listen to his music and wonder why I am “more than enough” but still not “good enough” for his liking. I will wish to be feeling his warmth and his kiss ever so slightly on my forehead like he had once done.

Believe me, I do not want these feelings towards him. I want to hate him and sometimes I do. But I know I do not “hate” hate him, I only hate that I don’t hate him. It infuriates me to unspoken levels. I hate that I would do anything for that boy. I hate that no matter how much wrong he has done and would do, I would never give up on him. Though I’ve already made a fool of myself for falling for an unwelcoming love, I will never stop wishing I could go back to the days we spent talking about countless things for hours on end, and not thinking twice about it.

I still find myself imagining unrealistic and impossible happenings with him. I know it’ll never happen but I can’t help but to think “maybe”. Maybe he’ll fall, maybe he’ll want me, maybe we could work. I know it wouldn’t be “forever” because nothing lasts forever, especially high school relationships, but it would be nice to spend a little but of “forever” with him. Just to be happy, smiling, laughing, and knowing I would get to spend some of what seems like the happiest days of my life (at the time) with him. Just a temporary bliss. But he doesn’t see things like I do. He says he wants all these things that I can give him, but he doesn’t want it from me.

I want him to break my heart. I want him to hold it in his warm hands and crush it in the end. Sounds horrid and people wonder why I would ever wish that upon myself, but I would rather it end with my heart broken and memories of having him and being happy, then to only imagine what it would be like.

What really bothers me is, I know he knows. I don’t think he has a grasp around the whole concept though. I don’t think he realizes that I would give him the world and he would never have to pay it back. Just a simple sign of affection would do. Like a hoodie drenched in his cologne, a simple kiss, just something in the slightest. Anything he wanted, if I could get it for him, I would. But the one thing I can’t get him is the one thing that he wants.

Someone like me.

Who isn’t me.

And that’s what gets me.

( Am I the only one who has felt this way or is there more people feeling the same? Let me know if you've felt like this at one point in life. Would love to hear your stories! )
-Ashi