Yes having freed myself from the straight jacket of conformity I am finally at liberty to write even more nonsense. Freeing yourself is far easier than you'd think, especially when you've had as much experience with straight jackets as I have. You can buy them online you know, or do as I do and wait for the men to hold me down and put one on me. I think of them as my dressers. They think of me as a dangerously insane serial offender. It's all subjective. Who knows who's right? I'm pretty sure we both are. Those online ones are for weird sexual fetishes I'm told. Mine aren't. They are to stop me harming people with my weird sexual fetishes. So much for so called freedom. I've just found some sharp things for later. That's made me even happier. I can't wait, but I have to. Otherwise there's a danger the search party will find me before I finish my latest psychotic ramble. I'll have to be quick though, those sniffer dogs are exceptionally well trained. Gird your loins, in the manner you find most comfortable. Then join me on another journey into the world of nonsense.
(The copyright to this image is the property of DHgate.com.
"Please wait." The dulcet toned computer advised.
Well in this situation there wasn't much choice. The only option was waiting. Jake just wished it wasn't with the heavily armed Captain of the Scarlet Harlot in rampage mode. With nowhere else to rampage, and only him to relieve her frenzy on. He had some sympathy for her. Far more sympathy for himself.
"Alright." He acknowledged. "But just so you know, if you do one of those customer satisfaction surveys, you're not going to get high marks."
Should he look at her? It might set her off again. Jake could feel the heat of her scowl burning his face. His only hope right now was that this would take so long they'd both suffocate, in this sealed container. Moving further away would only allow Doxy a longer run up. Had she been wearing her swords? He dared not look. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. They appeared and disappeared with a regularity that exposed the incompetence of those responsible for continuity. It was like that bloody bazooka she was holding at the ready. There one moment, gone the next. Always at hand when you least expected.
"Well Halliday I'll tell you this. Either I leave this place with my money in my hands or your balls."
That didn't sound good. When she was happy Doxy always called him Sparky.
"We aren't even sure it's my fault yet. Even if it is that's no excuse for cutting my nuts off. If it's the fault of me, it definitely isn't the me, me."
"I'm not going to cut them off. I'll be dragging your useless carcass along behind. Over my shoulder and squeezing as hard as I can."
She was just angry. So angry it was very likely Doxy would carry out that threat to the letter. Without any sensation or warning sign they found themselves in one of those white places. The zones that looked infinite.
"Oh God." Jake moaned. "Is this one of those virtual reality things or is it some intersecting alternative reality place between dimensions. I get confused." A figure appeared out of nothing, a few meters away. Long black hair and deep blue eyes. "Raven? I thought electrical computer generated artificial intelligence's couldn't exist in The Never?"
She smiled.
"Because time travel is impossible, when you travel through time anything is possible. What do you think?"
The leader of The Consensus turned on the spot.
"I think this is the precursor to a lot of terror and even more pain. You look great. Did you get tired of being a redhead?"
"You know her?" Doxy demanded.
"Yeah. We've met before."
"Actually we haven't." Raven corrected him. "This is prior to the first time we meet, but after the last time."
Jake clasped his face in both hands.
"You see. This is what I hate about all this stuff. All the woo-woo and the talking in riddles. My ending is in my beginning. My first is in ass, but not in elbow. What am I? What does any of this achieve?"
He might as well have been arguing with a hairbrush, for all the response he got.
"Scarlet and I have met many times before. Haven't we Captain?"
He'd been correct then. That was her name. This was an infinitesimal step forward. Now they'd both start fucking with his head he assumed.
"Yes we have." Scarlet, aka Doxy, aka The Captain agreed. "So I know there's adventure to be had and profit to be made. Before we get to that, is he responsible for my account being frozen?"
There was a bit of an edge to that last part.
"Yes and no."
"Here we go again." Jake exploded. "Off down the road of self contradictory answers. She's a woman on the brink. You say something like that and there's no telling what her response is going to be. She's just deliberately shot me five times.. Make that six." He wriggled his butt uncomfortably.
"Yes as in you being the legal owner of the bank and therefore ultimately responsible for all its financial and fiscal decisions. No in the sense that others have taken advantage of the rules you put in place, in order to nullify Scarlet."
"So who might these others be?" His captain inquired reasonably.
The avatar's face wrinkled in imitation of recalling something.
"Slimy, Frog Face, Mentiroso and Kencing. Those are their street names. I'm sure you're familiar with them. They took advantage of your long absence and failure to fulfill certain contractual obligations in a timely manner. In order to gain all of your assets."
"Where might I find them? They usually all hang out in the Bull's Penis."
Jake choked on that particular phrasing.
"You see? There's really no need for all this. What's wrong with calling it something like the Cat and Fiddle or the King's Head? Then you don't get all these unfortunate double entendre's. I lost out on renaming The Mermaid's Pussy, but I have to draw the line somewhere. Oh what's the point. Nobody listens to me."
The two women gave him a tolerant, but dismissive glance.
"That is indeed where you will find them. They will be meeting with their financial backers shortly."
He wasn't finished yet.
"That's another thing. She asks a question and gets a straight answer. I ask one and all I get is; "The corn is as high as an elephants eye. How many blue beans make five?" and that's not fair. Couldn't we have done all this through normal channels? Me being the owner of the bank and all. We were seconds away from that being revealed and you, yes you, went fucking ballistic. So we end up here. Wherever here is."
"Have you finished?" Raven asked. "You'd have ended up here regardless of how Scarlet behaved. This meeting was destined. So is that it for now?"
"For the moment. There's a lot of other shit I want to get off my chest, but I expect it'll have to stay there. Can we go now?"
They'd moved on without him by this time.
"That'll do for me." Scarlet did a small bow. "Thank you Raven. I appreciate your help." The massive piece of artillery was nowhere to be seen. This fold space holster thing Doxy wore had a lot to answer for. "As owner of the bank can he freeze all their accounts?"
"Of course he can."
They were both looking at him again.
"Oh right. Now you need my approval all of a sudden. What I say matters for once. On what grounds would I freeze their accounts?"
"You don't have to have any grounds. You own the bank. Of course there will be legal challenges. They will take years to settle."
"Alright then. I submit. Freeze their accounts and while you're at it unfreeze Scarlet's. There's no need to thank me. It's not like you would anyway."
"It's already done." Raven responded.
"Which bit?"
"All of it. I knew you'd agree." The AI stated.
"Fantastic. Everybody's happy. I'm off now." Jake turned, looked around at the infinite whiteness, then swung back. "If someone will show me the door please."
"I didn't bring you here to exchange pleasantries." Raven countered.
"That's lucky." He retorted sarcastically. "Nothing about this has been pleasant, I can assure you."
"Speak for yourself." Doxy countered. "Please continue Raven. I can always explain things to him later."
His captor drew herself up, assuming a neutral expression. Oh great. That could only mean there was about to be some portentous pronouncement that's real purpose would only become clear much later. Long after it would have any use. When looked back at through the lens of hindsight everything would fit together nicely. Barring the numerous unresolved contradictions and all those loose ends. That for some inexplicable reason, no one else would be aware of.
"The time has come for The Wanderer to set forth on his Immram."
"So that means I'm this Wanderer guy then." He interrupted.
Raven frowned at him.
"Nah. Not necessarily. You're merely the best candidate we've had in well over a hundred years and the only one available at short notice." The hologram retorted, dropping out of character. Then gave him a can I continue stare.
Doxy sniggered. Rather unnecessarily Jake thought.
"Okay. Do continue. Sorry for interrupting the flow." Jake muttered grumpily.
"Your journey will be long. You will face many trials. You will be tested to your limits and beyond, by what is to come. Your judgement will decide the fates of empires and worlds uncounted. The odds are heavily against you. The path ahead is unclear. The ultimate outcome unknowable."
Jake waited. He waited some more. After another wait, he gave up.
"That's it? That's the sum total? Of it? You could have put that on a postcard and mailed it to me care of The Scarlet Harlot." He bowed as low as his body would allow without falling over. "Thank you oh great oracle. For your wisdom and your obscurity. That's about as much use as a paper hat in a hurricane. Ow!" Scarlet had clipped him round the ear. "How come she's allowed to do that? I suppose I shouldn't complain. It's been at least ten minutes since she's popped a cap in my ass. I'm sorry Raven. This has all the hallmarks of being something I came up with to protect the narrative of this timeline." He ended lamely.
They were instantly back in the bank. Standing precisely where they'd stood. The teller behind his security glass.
"I do apologize Captain. I must have misread that." He shook his head, as though clearing some fog in the thought process. "Your account hasn't been frozen. In fact there have been several large deposits that have taken place just this moment. How much do you wish to withdraw?"
All of the other customers were queued up behind Jake and Doxy. None of them the least bit the worse for wear. As though nothing untoward had happened.
"What's my new balance please." Scarlet asked agreeably. The clerk brought it up and turned his screen toward her. "I have quite a few debits that need to be paid. What's the net balance."
"That's it Captain. All of your outstanding bills and fees have been paid. There is nothing else on your account"
"Well in that case I'd like to withdraw 125,000 Bar please."
Whatever that was a gold bar extruded from the slot. With 125,000 glowing on it's surface.
Jake had to go through the process of opening an account to reveal he already had an account. Something that annoyed him much more than it should have. His own balance being much more modest. A paltry 750 Bar. That might have been a lot, it might not. Worse than that, his withdrawal limit was 150. He was about to play the I own this bank card when Doxy dragged him away. It was only by desperate flailing he managed to pick up his own gold bar. There was no weight to it. Only a miserly 150 glimmering on its surface. The more he found out about himself the less he liked. It wasn't the money. It was playing with the stuff by buying things. He'd have quite liked to try that out. Just to see what happened. Having finally manhandled him outside, she delivered a kick to his rump.
"Ouch. That was right in the bullet hole. Hermes is really letting me down right now. The sooner he gets to bang Morag the better. That's going to be well nigh impossible with the pittance I've got. What the hell is up with you now anyway?"
This time Doxy kicked him in the shin.
"Show some respect. Raven is an entity who was ancient before she was born. You should pay attention to every single word she says. Each and every syllable has meaning. Explicit and hidden. Instead of flapping your gums at her you should have been straining to retain everything. If she told you every little detail it would render you pointless. Even more pointless than you already are."
While still hopping on his one good leg, Jake rubbed his shin and asked a question. That was multitasking.
"So you understood at least part of what she said to me then?"
"No you idiot. What she said to you is only relevant to you. I understood what she said to me. Parts of it anyway. Enough to be going on with. I must have ruffled someone's feathers. Now they are out to get me. I've either pissed off some pretty powerful people in Harrowmist or this plot goes beyond that. Now I'm going to rattle their cage. Then I'm going to kick the fuck out of it all the way to Nova Hispania."
"Is that a long way?"
"Far enough to get a response out of them. Hopefully a very quick one. One they have to come up with fast. That way there's more chance they'll make mistakes."
He'd dropped the ball again it seemed. Ah well at least he hadn't been dragged out by his testicles.
"Bugger." He lamented. "All I know is that an Immram is a spiritual journey to the Otherworld. Involving quests, temptations and trials."
"There you go then. That's your starting point. Now to me that would indicate that our ultimate destination might not be in The Never. It might be through another transit point into this Otherworld. It could even be a different reality that's part of The Never. That's the thing with this place. It's infinite. Anything that can exist you will find here. From dragons to unicorns."
"Have you ever found anything mythical or legendary?"
"Apart from a Minotaur, no."
"You found a Minotaur?"
"We found the creature the Minotaur legend is based on. Part man, part bull. I hated to kill it really."
Jake was appalled.
"Oh my God you found a mythical being and you killed it."
"It was him or me."
"You say that a lot you know."
"It happens a lot more often than you'd think, even with the life I lead. Let's find Fetu and Pengelly. We've got a trail to follow."