When My Mom Got Cancer, I Decided to TORTURE Her

Surgery? Radiation? Chemo? HA! That would be NOTHING compared to what I had planned.

It had been the single hardest year of my life - and that's saying something. Bankruptcy, identity theft, divorce, enduring the entire run of "Suite Life of Zack and Cody"... all of those disasters from the decade past had been a cakewalk compared to 2015 during which I very nearly lost one of the people I love most in the world.

October came, and I got the call no kid wants to get from a parent. The Cancer call. As in, I've got it... don't worry... I'll be fine. Yeah.

She'd held off telling me because she knew I was pretty near the breaking point - but with surgery looming, it was a call she couldn't put off. We're a resilient bunch - us humans, but in particular our family.

Cancer? Game on, mother-fucker.

Stuff like this happens, and there's this switch that flips. The war face comes on. The back back straightens. The muscles tense, ready for the battle. This is my mom. BACK OFF.

There's no more helpless feeling than sitting with a loved one who's suffering and there not being a thing you can do. Having been in that position one time too many, it was not an acceptable option. I might not have a magic wand or a surgeon's scalpel, but I knew I could pray like an entire army of monks... and of course, there was the TORTURE.

I'd done it before - and it seemed to work.

I have one of the loveliest people on the planet as a friend. There are hundreds of people who'd similarly claim her as one of the kindest, most beautiful souls they've ever encountered. She adores cats. Not quite to the point of Crazy Cat Lady, but close enough.

When she got cancer, I didn't know what to do. I supported a Go Fund Me another friend had made. I prayed. I sent good vibes and happy thoughts... and I wasn't alone. The campaign to "Save Ferris" had nothing on the crowd rallying behind this lovely woman.

I noticed something: cats. LOTS of cats. People were posting every cute cat picture the Internet had ever spawned on this woman's Facebook page. She loved every single one. I decided to search for and post cat videos - maybe extend that smile or make her laugh a little. It's still happening... and it seems to be working.

It's not that the cats were magical (though they'd like to think so!) - it's more that with every one of these feline films and photos she sees on her wall, she KNOWS... she is loved. She is remembered.

Slight problem... My mom is NOT a fan of cats

Or dogs, for that matter. Just not a pet person. So, I needed a new strategy, and I found it.

My family has a genetic freakiness that's been passed down for generations. It makes us virtually grotesque to anyone not similarly afflicted.

It's puns. We LOVE puns. The worse, the better.

Exhibit A - Typical Email Message from My Dad

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned.
I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack
it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too
exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my
life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't
cut the mustard.

My best job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any
patience.

Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live
on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit
for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as
a historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.

So, I tried retirement and found that I'm perfect for the job!

You're Still HERE? Sicko.

You can see where this is headed. Yeah, I was going to torture my mom with the best/worst puns I could find. Almost every day while she was going through radiation treatment, I scoured the Internet to find a meme that would surely make her smile.

And my favorite of all time, the piece de resistance...

Do pun memes cure cancer?

They ARE some pretty dank memes... but again, I'm pretty sure the real magic happens because of the constant (although painful) reminder that someone love you enough to send the very worst.

In addition to her getting a provisional all-clear (remission), I knew Mom was feeling better the day she posted this on my wall:

I love you, Mom. <3

Any proceeds generated by this post will be cashed out and sent to my mom (who may kill me for this) and my friend's Go Fund Me to help them with medical bills. Cancer doesn't just suck... it drains.

All memes found online in multiple places... hard to credit such supreme excellence without knowing the brilliant/warped mind behind it. All gifs from Giphy.com

If you like this post...

Written with StackEdit.