Wild Robber
A Screenplay
by The Invisible Man

INT. CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON

Brave doctor DR CHARMING HO is arguing with virtuous scout MR HUNG WHELL. CHARMING tries to hug HUNG but he shakes her off.

CHARMING
Please Hung, don't leave me.
HUNG
I'm sorry Charming, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
CHARMING
I am such a person!
HUNG frowns.

HUNG
I'm sorry, Charming. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
HUNG leaves.

CHARMING sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, gentle actor SR LONG DONG barges in looking flustered.

CHARMING
Goodness, Long! Is everything okay?
LONG
I'm afraid not.
CHARMING
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
LONG
It's ... a robber ... I saw an evil robber kill a bunch of elderly ladies!
CHARMING
Defenseless elderly ladies?
LONG
Yes, defenseless elderly ladies!
CHARMING
Bloomin' heck, Long! We've got to do something.
LONG
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
CHARMING
You can start by telling me where this happened.
LONG
I was...
LONG fans himself and begins to wheeze.

CHARMING
Focus Long, focus! Where did it happen?
LONG
bathroom! That's right - bathroom!
CHARMING springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

CHARMING rushes along the street, followed by LONG. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. BATHROOM - SHORTLY AFTER

MY HO a wild robber terrorises two elderly ladies.

CHARMING, closely followed by LONG, rushes towards MY, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

LONG
What is is? What's the matter?
CHARMING
That's not just any old robber, that's My Ho!
LONG
Who's My Ho?
CHARMING
Who's My Ho? Who's My Ho? Only the most wild robber in the universe!
LONG
Blinkin' knickers, Charming! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most wild robber in the universe!
CHARMING
You can say that again.
LONG
Blinkin' knickers, Charming! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most wild robber in the universe!
CHARMING
I'm going to need guns, lots of guns.
My turns and sees Charming and Long. She grins an evil grin.

MY
Charming Ho, we meet again.
LONG
You've met?
CHARMING
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young CHARMING is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees MY. She takes off her headphones.

MY
Would you like some wine gums?
CHARMING's eyes light up, but then he studies MY more closely, and looks uneasy.

CHARMING
I don't know, you look kind of wild.
MY
Me? No. I'm not wild. I'm the least wild robber in the world.
CHARMING
Wait, you're a robber?
CHARMING runs away, screaming.

EXT. BATHROOM - PRESENT DAY

MY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
LONG
(To CHARMING) You ran away?
CHARMING
(To LONG) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
CHARMING turns to MY.

CHARMING
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
CHARMING runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

CHARMING
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with guns.
MY
I'm not scared of you.
CHARMING
You should be.

INT. PLAYGROUND - LATER THAT DAY

CHARMING and LONG walk around searching for something.

CHARMING
I feel sure I left my guns somewhere around here.
LONG
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly guns.
CHARMING
You know nothing Long Dong.
LONG
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, MY appears, holding a pair of guns.

MY
Looking for something?
LONG
Crikey, Charming, she's got your guns.
CHARMING
Tell me something I don't already know!
LONG
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
CHARMING
I know that already!
LONG
I'm afraid of you.
MY
(appalled) Dude!
While MY is looking at LONG with disgust, CHARMING lunges forward and grabs her deadly guns. He wields them, triumphantly.

CHARMING
Prepare to die, you wild turnip!
MY
No please! All I did was kill a bunch of elderly ladies!
HUNG enters, unseen by any of the others.

CHARMING
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly ladies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Charming Ho defender of innocent elderly ladies.
MY
Don't hurt me! Please!
CHARMING
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these guns on you right away!
MY
Because Charming, I am your mother.
CHARMING looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

CHARMING
No you're not!
MY
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
MY tries to grab the guns but CHARMING dodges out of the way.

CHARMING
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, MY slumps to the ground.

LONG
Did she just faint?
CHARMING
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly guns.
CHARMING crouches over MY's body.

LONG
Be careful, Charming. It could be a trick.
CHARMING
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... My Ho is dead!
CHARMING
What?
CHARMING
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
LONG claps his hands.

LONG
So your guns did save the day, after all.
HUNG steps forward.

HUNG
Is it true? Did you kill the wild robber?
CHARMING
Hung how long have you been...?
HUNG puts his arm around CHARMING.

HUNG
Long enough.
CHARMING
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed My Ho.
HUNG
Then the elderly ladies are safe?
CHARMING
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly ladies enter, looking relived.

HUNG
You are their hero.
The elderly ladies bow to CHARMING.

CHARMING
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that My Ho will never kill elderly ladies ever again, is enough for me.
HUNG
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly ladies passes CHARMING a healing ring

HUNG
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
CHARMING
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.

CHARMING
Well, if you insist.
CHARMING takes the ring.

CHARMING
Thank you.
The elderly ladies bow their heads once more, and leave.

CHARMING turns to HUNG.

CHARMING
Does this mean you want me back?
HUNG
Oh, Charming, of course I want you back!
CHARMING smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

CHARMING
Well you can't have me.
HUNG
WHAT?
CHARMING
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a robber to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
HUNG
But...
CHARMING
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Long.
LONG grins.

HUNG
But...
LONG
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
HUNG
Charming?
CHARMING
I'm sorry Hung, but I think you should skidaddle.
HUNG leaves.

LONG turns to CHARMING.

LONG
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
CHARMING
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly LONG stops.

LONG
When I said I'm afraid of you, you know I was just trying to distract the robber don't you?
THE END

Thanks for reading,
The Invisible Man
@theinvisibleman