Does a restart button look like a trigger?

I'm being a complete fool. Even more then I already am. I wrote a fucked letter that I'm going to send to this junkie slut of an ex girl"friend". Along with her black panties and neckless. I just don't feel right having. Them.
Feeling sorry for her 3 year old. This poor kid need to grow up. Lieing for her mother. Lieing isn't a solution to anything. I really wish an hope that this kids grows up to be nothing like her mother. It's discussting. Or am I just pissed off and ashamed of my self that I traveled across the world in hope to be in the presents of my future wife? Fuck I'm truely the dumb one her. Really dumb. I want a girl that will adventure with me. Try new things grow and learn together. Emotionally physically and financially but. I lay here. In a depressed state of where's the restart button. Or does it look more like a trigger? I know this depression is only temporary like everything else in this world. And this is the struggle. Even if I find the right one. That's temporary too.... This existence is wearing thing. Earth is bullshit everything about it. How it's run to the air we breathe. Nothing seems real. For it is but a dream and a illusion no? We create all this subjectively each and every experience just too be an expresstion of a hole. A hole lot of crap I feel. I'm interested in going back to the singularity and dropping this duality. No hot no cold. Smooth ~ rough sorrow ~ happy fuck this. I want nothing.