"Such a lovely day today. You don't get many like these. Maybe it's a sign? I'm actually glad that I came back here. I mean sure, the reason may be regrettable but still, it's exactly what I need right now, a place to clear my head. To be honest I haven't been through these woods since I was a kid. I forgot how beautiful it is. Not that I was into the whole taking in the sights thing back then. When you're 11 years old, dashing through the trees on your brand-new Mountain Bike trying to pull off a wicked jump you hardly have time to care about the surroundings; unless it was part of the stunt of course. That's one of the benefits of getting older I suppose, you tend to slow down, change your priorities and it gives you a bit more time to just appreciate things a little more.
So anyway, I finally told her... I just stood there and I said it as it was, no messing around. We were over! Truth is we'd been over for some time; this kind of just made it final. It amazes me how in the desperate pursuit of finding a partner, and that childish need to be in a relationship, the level of craziness you'll put up with. How much toxic and unhealthy behaviour you'll suffer; and even commit yourself! We must have argued every single night (about everything and anything) for the last six months. I don't know, we just seem to keep getting on each other's bad side all the time, no matter what we tried. It got to the point where you just found yourself choosing to maintain the uncomfortable silence rather than open your mouth and risk starting another fight; it's crazy! When I think back to how it was when we first met each other... Seriously, when I met Jill in that art gallery it was like magic! A fairy tale love affair! When we were together it was like the whole world just vanished, as if it were a secret paradise and we its only inhabitants. It was in each other's company that we were the happiest we could ever be; couldn't bear to be apart. Always texting and calling every five minutes with some silly pet name or something. In fact I actually gained my first ever disciplinary at work over it because the Boss kept seeing me with my phone every time he looked over. So when I think about all of that and how we've ended up, it feels almost... Unreal! Like it was all just a dream, or that I just imagined it. If someone had told me back then that this is the way it would be between us, I probably would have laughed at them; and yet here we are.
Well now, this old stream certainly brings back some memories. Me and my friend would always fish here, for things like Roach or Perch, I even caught a Bream once, as big as your head! In fact I wouldn't be surprised if there are still a few of our lost hooks in there somewhere. Life seemed so simple back then. Not sure if it really was but it certainly feels like it in memory. The biggest stress I had in my life in those days was getting my homework done on time. Especially English Literature, because Miss Rubens would always ask for it very first thing, and if you didn't have it then you'd have to get up in front of the whole class and explain why. Personally I think I'd rather go through all of that again than have to do what I had to do this morning. Mind you, having said that it was actually easier to explain to Jill my reasons for breaking up with her than I thought it would be. I can still see the look on her face... It wasn't shock or hurt, it was “relief”. As I say, we had been struggling and enduring for a long time. So long that I think she was just relieved that it was finally over; and so was I. It's not until you let go of the thing that stresses you the most that you realise just how much damn effort it took to carry it. That something you truly believed would break you turns out to be the very thing that liberates you instead. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy about our breakup. I'm certainly not going to be celebrating it like I've just been released from prison or something. I'm just glad to lose all of that sadness and the anxiety that us being together seem to bring.
It's quite strange really, looking at all of these old places... How come we always tend to look back as if it were all good? Like a photoshopped life replaying all of the best bits and none of the bad? I mean sure, me and my best friend had loads of fun packed adventures but it wasn't all fun and games, I can assure you! That tree over there for example, the big one that looks like it's much older than all of the rest, that was where we had our first ever real fight; fists flying and everything! I actually chipped his tooth in the fracas and we didn't speak to each other for close to two weeks after that. I couldn't even tell you what it was about (silly kids stuff no doubt) but major drama back then. We did eventually make up, built a crappy looking tree house somewhere over that way. It was more like a castaway’s shelter than a tree house, but it was the coolest thing ever at the time. And yet there I go again, brushing lightly over the bad and resting heavily upon the good!.. It just feels better, feels more important! We had a good friendship, they were good times so when I remember them, is it any real misdeed that I like to remember the good times most? Because if I'm being honest, in memory each happy moment was worth a dozen of the bad.
Who knows, one day I may get to look back on all of those good times that me and Jill had with the same uplifting feeling. To simply touch upon the depressing memories of all the fights and the struggles with only a feathers weight, and to revel deeply in the happy memories with a great sense of joy and accomplishment; or at least not to feel this crippling sensation of loss and regret that I do right now. Perhaps I will even take another walk through these woods, a couple of years from now and be able to take strength like I have today in the recognition that my world was good once upon a time. That although we've grown up and long since gone our separate ways, that once this broken heart of mine has healed I will be left with all those memories of good times. Of old friends, old places and old lovers filling me with hope for the future."
© Westley Nash (2017)
#thoughtsofsteel
Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by and view my content, I am most honoured indeed and hope you have a really great day :)
Best wishes
Westley xx
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Interesting post Westley, this is the ever first monologue I have listened too. I liked it although the subject matter was tough for you to deal with. You came out of it with a positive message.
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Thank you very kindly sir :) Based on a true story you might say, it was one of those experiences that you could either find a reason to rise from out of, or face a reason to fall inside. I enjoyed writing it, it was quite the self-revelation as I can indeed look back with happiness now rather than sadness.
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So, so true! The level of dysfunction we put up with. I hate goodbyes though lol.
That seems to be a pattern, maybe too close too soon.
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