With each relapse, the harder the fall, the steeper the climb…back to a world of uncertainty, and vulnerable to the feelings we've grown so distant from familiar. Over time, life gives back to us as reward for our new choices, but will always bring back challenge. Overcoming challenge however, leads us to a greater gift in life…the strength to continue onwards.
After a night of using, for the first time in several weeks...all that remains is a sense of regret, and what seems to be an invisible film barring my conscious mind from a world of sense and clarity. The amazing part of this experience is my ability to still see the real world, regardless of the lasting effects this drug has left behind. This exists only because my senses have not yet been covered with enough muck to render them useless…and I do not intend to bury them this time around.
I'm thankful for taking the time to write that opening...even though it was one year ago, after my first relapse. It serves as the small foundation for what I hope, no, what I know, will be the first step toward completing this story.
The most incredible, terrible and yet interesting thing about relapsing is that it all stems from the choice to take that leap again. I once thought that choice could be a one-time action, and would easily be controllable. Wrong. There are no if’s, and’s or but’s about this statement - and that is if you're willing to take ONE pill, ONE hit, ONE try...then you my friend are willing to drop all the way back to ground zero. Majority of addicts relapse simply because we believe we’re in control. In reality we have no control over our weakness, we never have and never will. The sooner this is accepted and surrendered to, the sooner we’ll have control over the uncontrollable.
Commonly, to "surrender" is interpreted as one's decision to quit or give up. The kind of surrender I'm talking about involves letting go of your limiting beliefs. The same beliefs that made you fight every day of you're life to convince yourself that you are just fine. Well, I'm here to tell you that you (or your loved one) are not just fine…and guess what, that is fine!
We are what we are in this world, no matter how you look at it - but the best part about our journey is the incredible skill sets acquired along the way. So quit being so hard on yourself, you deserve credit for what you're doing.
The most valuable skill set we possess, but not always realize is our ability to live in the present. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute...whatever is needed to get you through and to the other side. Whether it's because of your addiction, or recovery, this amazing ability must be taken with you and applied to all aspects of life.
90% of humans, addicts or not, continuously project their thoughts into the future. You must try to catch yourself projecting:
“How am I going to make it another week?"
...Your not, what your gonna do is make it through this moment, and the next until TODAY is over.
“Work is going to be so hard this week, I’m will hate it!"
...No, tomorrow has yet to arrive. You will take it hour by hour until you reclaim the calm of living in the present.