Seventeen years ago my father decided to take his own life. This terrible event occurred on Father's day. I failed to call him that year. I did not live with him at the time, but had seen him recently. We played miniature golf, went to a movie, and we went out to eat at a seafood restaurant.
When my father showed up at my place of work, a barbecue restaurant, at first I was upset. I had written him several letters and never received a response. I wanted a relationship with him, but he seemed so distant. My brother, being a year older, advised me to cherish the time we had with him. So, that's what we did... for a few days.
My favorite memories of my dad are camping and climbing. We hiked Devil's Peak and climbed the Chrome Dome. He gave me my first beer at age twelve after a four hour hike to the top.
"I don't like it"
"It's an acquired taste"
"It's a taste I don't want to acquire"
There are many reasons why this man found it necessary to end his life. Some of his close friends and relatives say that he tried a lot of drugs when he was young. Others suggest mental health issues.
Now as an adult, I suffer from my own mental health issues and four years ago I lost my best friend to suicide. This brought back the pain that stays in the pit of my stomach. The lump in my throat. The urge to find answers.
Hospitalized a handful of times, I am now taking advice from my last counselor: Let the city be your hospital. Let life be your hospital. The moment I heard this, it made a lot of sense. A mental institution is a safe place during an emergency episode, but the real test is in the streets.
There are many people out there who struggle with their thoughts and feelings. I wish that I could help everyone, but unfortunately I can only speak from my own experiences. I have been through more in my life than I would wish on my worst enemy.
I have made many mistakes. Luckily, there are people around me who forgive me. They know my heart and believe me when I apologize to them for my misdeeds in times of weakness. I am thankful to have family and friends around me.
If no one has told you today that they are happy you are here and alive and breathing then please take it from me.
I am happy you are here. I am happy that you have the strength to not give up and give in to the demons that plague only some of us.
In my opinion, one key to the solution is to get past the stigma of mental illness. This is something that people can talk about and need to talk about.
On and off medication for nearly two decades, I have learned that my sickness is treatable with the right chemicals in the right doses. Sleep is important and so is being creative. Self expression can be cathartic. And most importantly, when you need help, ask for help.
My soul goes out to anyone who is suffering or knows someone who is suffering. Please take a second to breathe and realize that you are here for a reason, your life is worth pursuing.
Like my high school English teacher said while we were studying Romeo and Juliet, "Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems".
Peace.
Thanks for reading,
x1018