WHEN YOUR LIFE IS FULL OF UNCERTAINTY

Be bold and carefree. Feigning everything is okay.

Dear friends,
I just have arrived home today with my mother from our Cagayan de Oro trip. Our purpose was not fun but to undergo tests for my nerves. Unfortunately, the machines for ANA (Anti-Nuclear Anti-Bodies tests) and Electromyogram didn't work. According to the radiologists, I cannot undergo ANA tests because they need to have more two patients who undergo the same. ANA test recognize if someone has a lupus. That feeling when the neuro suspected I have a lupus that targets my nerves threatened me like I was almost suicidal. But according to the doctor, it is still unspecific what is really my ailment because he has many suspicions. Then we came back to the hotel saddened. I never had a good mood for one night, never interested in many things, and the worse, I felt so unloved. In times where we encounter a threatening situation and uncertainty, our depression and anxiousness are relieved somehow if we feel like we are valuable. To be honest, only my sister Clare is lifting up my spirit and her husband Paul Blackburn. In fact, Paul keeps telling me they love me and I shouldn't be defeated by depression. Clare massages me at night and comfort me whenever she sees me crying. I am also thankful to our church BAF for reminding me to trust everything to our God. Whatever the result is, God has purpose on it. It's hard to accept but what can we do, God is the greatest than us. He has a promise we need to see soon. I am guilty because I am impatient to experience this struggle. I feel like I am the only one experiencing such problem and I am the only one who has the biggest problem on earth among others. What did I do? Why me? Why not the thieves, criminals, greedy, selfish, discriminators? Why not they? At this point of my life, these are the questions I have always been asking. As a human, I make sins like sinking my faith and fear is within me. I can't control myself. I wanna cry.

Because there was no ANA and EMG tests that happened, the doctor decided to do the blood and sugar tests. He suspected my muscle was the only problem. He said that when the muscle was the only inflammed, it is curable. But according to my test, all are normal except one thing. There is an inflammation seen in my nerves. It upsets me a lot because his face was not happy when he said the result. However he said I should be calm the fact that he doesn't still know all the results. He can tell what is my disease after my ANA and EMG.

Did you experience an episode on your life where you cannot proceed to do aĺl your exciting plans for your future because you are not sure in everything? True, I am in this situation now. I am not sure what will be my life because it has full of uncertainty. I wish the doctor will call me then next week to undergo these tests because I wanna end up the uncertainty in my head right now that leads me to hopelessness and anxiety. I am not fearful anymore to know the results unlike before when I was afraid to come to the hospital.

Anyway, I wish I could focus my goals these days. My sister is here with me to motivate me and remind me to always trust the plans of God. Yes, it is hard to accept His plans but these anxieties and depressions will be set free if we have a strong conviction and right now, it's my greatest prayer to be strong, faithful, and trust all His plans because these are the keys to release fears and depressions in me. It is my greatest hope to surrender everything I have to the Lord and not be enticed with worldly desires because the more that I am enticed, the more that I am fear and depressed, and sometimes I am even suicidal. I can't control the worries and tearsdrops flow from these naked eyes.

Anyhow, there are still a few of positivites in my head. If I talk to my sister, grandpa, and the Church people, they always remind me that God is greater than my problems. If I play Christian songs especially "Healer" by Hillsong, I am relieved. It is true that what I need is Jesus more than anything. He is my healer. My grandpa keeps telling that for sure, Jesus will send me a doctor to to cure my disease. I am evermore thankful to these people. I wish I can fight the down syndrome I have right now for the entire year because you know what, my sister will live in the US soon, means I have nothing to talk to. I am also thankful to Steemit for giving me the chance to earn. Because of this, I was able to afford my fare and labtests to Cagayan de Oro and I wish it is continuing so that I can proceed to the next steps. Sir @surpassinggoogle of course, is the main reason why I earn big. I owe my life to him. Angels are not just those invisible creations with wings, they are humans too and Sir Terry is my angel.

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