I used to carry all the burdens and pretend I'm alright...
Have you ever been so sad that you wanna tell everyone that you're completely not okay? That you need to breathe and speak up for yourself? That there are a lot of things you wanna tell but you know that the moment you speak up, everyone misunderstood you and then instead of getting what you want - which is care and love, you get more painful words. I wonder if I'll be able to handle this when this thing keeps on going?
Have you ever been so sad that you wanna tell everyone that you're completely not okay? That you need to breathe and speak up for yourself? That there are a lot of things you wanna tell but you know that the moment you speak up, everyone misunderstood you and then instead of getting what you want - which is care and love, you get more painful words. I wonder if I'll be able to handle this when this thing keeps on going?
It was Thursday morning when I woke up late. It was already 8;30 AM and I woke up by Mom, screaming my name saying I should wash the dishes already. TBH I though to myself. "Ohh please, I'm still sleepy T^T" But since I might get scolded if I still kept on laying in bed, I immediately went out my room and went to the kitchen. It sure is messy. But since Mom is doing the laundry I gotta eat breakfast first before working on it. Then I decided to wash my clothes as well.
After washing the dishes, I did the laundry then after that I cooked some noodles for myself. I was really tired that time since I didn't ate that much during breakfast. I decided that the noodle would be enough for my lunch. Then after that, the noodle was finally cooked when I realized, my siblings and Dad would definitely want to have some noodle as well, so I gave them some. "Guess I'm not that hungry after all." I said to myself.
Then Mom was mad - again and told me to do this and that, she even ordered me to buy something to eat. That's when I realized, "Ohh yeah, Mom didn't get to eat some noodle." It was raining a little but I still went out to buy some foods with some jacket on.
Mom ordered me to buy a certain food, but when I got to the store, they're sold out so I bought something else. The line was long so I patiently waited for my turn on the counter. Then after that I ran as fast as I could on my way back home. I was already home when I got another batch of scoldings. Yup, I got scold again since I bought the wrong foods. I tried to defend myself but it's useless.
So I stayed quiet instead. I don't want to get scold more or worse. I waited for my friend Rizzia (@relentlessmind) to pick me up since we had a plan to meet up today for some necessary discussions and stuffs. Then Mom want me to do something for her, but the problem is it's not yet done and when Rizzia (@relentlessmind) gets here I might end up making her wait up for a few moments, which is not good since it's raining.
Then, there I am again, I tried to speak up and told Mom and Dad about it then I got another batch of scoldings again. "Damn, I'm so tired of this, really." I said to myself. "You should have just stayed quiet." I sighed with the though and instead, I let it slide, but I can't deny the fact that I'm so damn hurt. I'm just trying my very best not to let a single @tear to drop.
So instead, I posted a status on Facebook saying, "WHEN WILL I EVER FEEL WORTHY? <\3" After that dramatic scene, I already got the thing that Mom wants me to send. Then Rizzia finally arrived and picked me up and together we went to Sanrey's (@davincibrown) house to pick him up before going to the internet cafe.
I was having a hard time sending Mom's mail and I tried so many times to get it done. Then after a lot of trying and patience, I was able to successfully sent it to the recipient. Then I got a message from Mom saying I should delete my status that I posted a while ago. And so I did. Then there, another scolding via messages came showering on me.
Right now, while I was writing this, I can feel my @tears about to fall, and it would be really embarrassing if I do, so I calmed myself up to stop the @tears from falling. I feel like I'm a bad daughter. I feel like I don't deserve to live or something like that. I feel so useless - yet again. I'm sorry Mom, I've been a pain. I can't utter a single word right now, my throat hurts and I feel so weak...
