I am always concerned, mother

The feelings between my mother and I have always been scared to touch. Every time I see a smiling mother and daughter chatting in a restaurant, or meet a mother and daughter in a clothing store who carefully choose clothes for each other, I can’t help but look at them a few more times, secretly envying how they can have such good Relationship, how can there be so many happy words to talk about. I am really jealous of such a mother and daughter.
　　In my memory, since childhood, my mother and I have never had a conversation for more than 15 minutes. The deepest memory I have of my mother since I was a child is that she woke up in the dark and flicked those two thick braids in the dark every day...Because one person has to take care of 6 children, she does everything like a breeze. Flying around in the mountains, in the fields, in the yard, in the kitchen!
At that time, the dialogue between her and me was "Namu, help me get this..." "Go do that..." "Go to the next door to give this..." At home, I was ranked third, with my brother on the top and the next one. Brother, I am a girl in the middle, living a mediocre life at home, even embarrassingly. I remember when I was 9 years old, the sheep in the village had a disease, and more than 60 sheep in our family died. At that time, the flock was the most important asset of the Mosuo people on the shore of Lugu Lake. Without the sheep, our family's life was in an extreme predicament. My mother made a decision after suffering for two days-to send me to a family in the upstream village. Seeing that I was about to leave my brothers and sisters and leave my home, I begged my mother not to send me away in tears, but my mother took me to the house. Along the way, my mother didn't say a word. That day, when I watched my mother's drifting back, I cried very sadly, and felt firmly that I was not her child.
　　 About 7 months later, my mother drove 9 sheep to this family's house and wanted to change me back. Finally, they agreed, and I followed my mother back home again. Along the way, we still didn't say a word. After returning home this time, my mother and I talked less. In order to please my mother, I always get up first, cut the most hogweed and go home, striving to do the most tiring work. Slowly, my neighbors said that I was smart, sweet-mouthed, and diligent... These good reputations spread to my mother's ears more and more, and my depressed heart began to move around. I was looking forward to it. . At that time, wanting to hear my mother's praise seemed to be my biggest motivation. However, my mother just chanted my name more and asked me to do more things.
　　 The change in my indifferent impression of my mother originated from the mother-in-law Caidan in the village who specializes in delivering babies. During a small chat, the old man told me: I am a dystocia, and my mother had a lot of blood when I gave birth, but she kept groaning to remind the mother-in-law who delivered the baby, if something goes wrong, take care of the child! It seems that I am not only the mother’s birth. Or the child she was willing to use her life to save.
　　 When I was 13 years old, people from the County Cultural Center came to collect folk songs and select singers. With my natural good voice, I stood out and I was able to get out of my house and go to Kunming. After returning home from Kunming, I seemed to be tempted by the great world, my heart flew out of Lugu Lake, "I decided to go out". At that time, my mother talked to me for the longest time in her life: "Namu, are you crazy? You can do nothing but mowing pigweed, and you have no money and don't understand Chinese. How do you live when you go out?" Mother said It’s all right, but my grievances that I’ve suppressed for many years also broke out: “I must go! I don’t want to live a life of being given away at will and being exchanged by cattle. I don’t want to live as old as you!” , My mother and I cried.
　　 Finally, I left my hometown with 7 eggs and a jade bracelet given by my mother. I resolutely sold my mother's jade bracelet, took the money and went to Shanghai, and became the youngest undergraduate from the Shanghai Conservatory of Music, and then the youngest soloist in the Central National Song and Dance Ensemble.
　　 When I was 20 years old, I decided to go to the United States. I know that this long journey will not only be farther from my mother, but it will also take longer. I made a special trip home. When my mother saw me coming back, she was very happy, busy chopping wood for cooking, killing chickens and choosing vegetables. In the 7 years I was away from home, I went back many times, but I never looked at my mother's still busy but gradually rickety back like this time. Before leaving, my mother gave me a ride. We walked through two villages all the way. She had always been silent, and she poured out what she had tolerated for a long time: "Namu, my most precious thing is a pair of jade bracelets, one for nine. The sheep will redeem you, and the other will give you a new life. I feel very comfortable!"
　　 Later, I went to Europe from the United States, worked in Japan and Singapore from Europe, and then returned to Europe. In short, I tossed more than half of the earth in 6 years, but I didn't have the chance to go home to see my mother.
　　 On February 3, 1996, I learned from the news that there was a major earthquake in Lijiang, not far from my hometown in Italy. Because there was no phone in the village, my heart suddenly became anxious. It wasn't until I got on the flight to Beijing that I suddenly realized: This is the first time in my life that I am anxious for my mother!
　　 When I returned to my hometown, I was relieved to see my unharmed home and my mother. In an instant, my complex feelings for my mother, which I had closed for more than 20 years, were relieved: my mother loves me, and I also love her. The poverty and depressive life does not allow her mother to have many opportunities to breathe, and she has no mood to treat her daughter. Say "I love you". But now, I can't let the repression continue, and let regret become an eternal regret! That day, I stretched out my arms to hug my mother for the first time, buried my head on my mother's chest and said to her, "I love you". Although I saw my mother deliberately avoiding my enthusiasm, I clearly saw tears in her eyes!
Now, I have found the fulcrum of my life: I took out almost all of my savings and bought a small piece of land under the Lion Mountain by the Lugu Lake to build the "Namu Museum", which displayed many of my first Mosuo people The memorial also serves as a small hotel to receive friends from all over the world, and my bad-spoken mother became the curator of the museum. As long as she stands next to her daughter's memorial, the mother will no longer be silent and shy, but will never tire of telling everyone about her daughter's difficult experience behind the memorial!
　　 Looking at the back of my mother proudly explaining, I am very satisfied, because the back of my mother is the scenery I care about most in this life, and this scenery will always accompany me warmly...