Couples seek relationship counseling for numerous reasons. No matter what issues they present to therapy with, it often can be boiled down to a problem with the emotional safety in their relationship. The most hostile, distant or disengaged couples are not the only ones who can be challenged with a lack of emotional safety. Those who minimize their feelings or are conflict avoidant can often ultimately be the most at risk. Often the presenting problems that couples go to therapy for, are actually symptoms of a lack of emotional safety in their relationship.
“Emotional safety” encompass important elements. It exists when both partners feel:
respected
they can trust each other
prioritized
heard
understood
validated
empathized with
loved
If you’ve been struggling to communicate, are easily brought to conflict, have disconnected and are sweeping feelings under the rug, it’s important to do a deeper level check on the status of your relationship. These are all often signs of distress.
Do a quick mini-assessment on your own relationship by asking yourself how you feel, on a scale of 1-10, in each of the following areas.
Respect: How respected do you feel by each other? People who report low levels of respect often experience criticism, judgment or neglect. Perhaps your partner makes important decisions without you.
Trust: Are you clear your partner will not betray you? Betrayal can include physical and emotional trust violations. It can also feel like they don’t truly have your back in other ways. Questions around whether you can trust your partner can lead to insecurity about the relationship and impact your self esteem.
Prioritized: How much do you each feel prioritized by each other? People who don’t feel prioritized can start to wonder if they matter to the other. Perhaps your partner spends a lot of time with others or doesn’t take your requests or needs seriously.
Feeling Heard: How much do you feel heard by each other? Those who don’t feel heard can feel ignored or minimized. It can feel like your partner doesn’t care what you think you feel, which can be painful and over time build resentment.
Understood: How much do you feel understood by each other? People with low levels of understanding from the other report frustration around their partner not taking the time to truly know them. You might feel like your partner doesn’t care to understand. The end result of this can be loneliness in the relationship.
Validation: How much do you feel validated by each other? Low levels of validation are problematic to any relationship in that one or both don’t experience their partner acknowledging their emotions. Even if you don’t understand why your partner feels a certain way, it’s important to validate their experience.
Empathy: How much do you feel empathy from each other? A relationship that lacks empathy is particularly challenging as it’s experienced as an even lower level of care or concern for each other’s feelings. Your partner may be clear something is painful for you yet behave as if they don’t care. Experiencing a lack of empathy by someone who is supposed to be there for you is a deeply painful experience.
Love: How much do you feel loved by each other? Couples who report low levels of feeling loved by the other can reach a state of hopelessness. Believing your partner doesn’t love you can be the assumption that is made from deficiencies in all of the above.
A lot of lower numbers in this exercise indicates some deficiencies in your emotional safety. It’s also important to reflect upon how you’re showing up in the relationship.
