Transformation

19/11-17

Out of the darkness and into the light.
Transformation.
Maturing into love is not always easy.

Like Nirvana sang ”I feel stupid, and contagious”… Love is contagious, and so is stupidity. When I now open the door to new perspectives I feel responsible to not cause harm, to be responsible and to be vulnerable and open about my ignorance.

What ignorance am I talking about?

When I was a little kid I had a teddy bear called Micha, it was by my side my whole childhood, it was it that I hugged when sad, that I could be totally myself with, and it was the witness of all my shaming, all my limitations, all the wrongdoing or miseducation that I ignorantly accepted into my conditioning (as we all do).
Micha and I got separated when I moved houses, it ended up in my mothers attic. Until yesterday. I went to my mom’s house and went up to the attic to find Micha, I did. I brought it downstairs to my mom’s apartment and showed it to my mom. At some point my mom said ”Aww Micha! Have you missed her?” to me, to which I reacted surprised and answered ”her?”, to which my mom responded ”is it not a her?”. At that point I became silent, wondering.
Micha is not a she, neither is it a he. I never ever thought of Micha as a certain gender. Ever. So, when presented with this question from my mom I managed to hack the system of the conditioning of my mind, the conditioning that so deeply dictates when I should view somebody as a she or a he. This blew my mind.

Simultaneously (as I know the universe works not only in one, but from various different angles to get the message across), I had just started chatting with a transgender woman on Tinder that I am attracted to. After talking a little bit, she asked me if I wanted to meet up with her, of course I said Yes. Soon thereafter I started wondering in which way I was viewing her. I wanted to be critical of my thinking, for the last thing I wanted is to risk offending her.
I started wondering if I was attracted to her because she had physical male features, or if I was attracted to her because of her as a human, her as a complete expression of herself.
To be honest, it was both, and at once I felt so disgusted and sad and angry at the society in which we live, and the conditioning of my mind. The conditioning that limit how I see the world around me, how I experience love and the endless richness of the people around me.

I simplify things in my mind because I have been taught to do so. I hate that!
I put things and people into boxes and I limit myself and others.

I want to change that. I want to educate myself. I want to be curious and respectful. I want to relate to people authentically, I want to relate to the human in a body, not the body itself. Penis or vagina, doesn’t matter, the complexity inside is so rich and vast.

With that being said, I am not ashamed of being attracted to X Y or Z. But I am ashamed of acting though a gender-norm, and seeing the sex, rather than the heart that lies inside the human.

I am ignorant.
I feel stupid, but luckily, I also feel contagious.
Contagious of my new-found awareness of what it means to be human beyond gender-norms or which sex one possesses.

By writing this I am trying to be open and vulnerable. But I am also trying to bring awareness to others of the ignorance many of us still live in. In how LIMITED our view is. And I hope for education in these topics, because it is needed, urgently.
I don’t want to live in ignorance, and I don’t want to feel like I am walking on eggshells around Transgender people because of my stupid idea of what a man or a woman is.

Truly, Sincerely, this fucking sucks.
Truly, Sincerely, I want more understanding,
I want more empathy,
I want more authentic relating,
I want more love and humanity.
Not fucking Bullshit-norms.

Over and out!
Peace!

/Elsa (a human)