Penny in transition: My transition in a weekly journal; Episode 4

This has been a predictably rough two weeks for me, I apologize for not keeping up with my weekly post schedule this past week. I am hoping to pick back up on Monday and carry on as normal. Thank you to everyone who checked in on me and sent love it was very much appreciated.

I am not one to open up readily about the harder aspects of living in today's climate with fairly severe disphoria, its unpleasant to live through and frankly to me simply sounds like I'm wining. However I'm going to get into it a bit today, that and the difficulty in change. Transition is by no means a one step process, surgery, for those that can afford it (ie: not me) is the end of a very long and involved process. Some trans folk have what we in the community call "passing privilege" it simply means that society in general treats them like a cis person unless they out themseves or are outed by others. I do not have said privallage. This being the case I am very disciplined in my routine, I am sure to look my best when I step out, sure to smile and present confidence. I meet every person I run into with eye contact and a smile. Even the bigots, especially the bigots. I do this because I know I represent the first trans individual most of the people through my store will knowingly meet and I am trying to be a counter narrative to both the lies from the hate groups and the current administrations dehumiunization attempts. I do this volunentarily to a point however without the job I lose my insurance, and where as my coverage is not enough to make my bottom surgery viable it is lowering the cost of my meds and that's a big deal rightful now. Especially as the economic noose tightens a bit.

So I put on my mental armour every morning and Wade out into the world of stares and screams and masogony. Its normal, or has become my normal and I'm dealing with it, this week though, after having to stop my estrogen patches and go back to pills while I sorted out some problems then start back onto the patches, has been a doosy. For whatever reason it takes me about two months to get adjusted to the patch form of estrogen, during that time my defensive capability is zero, I have no armour and no filter, I see every smirk and stare hear every muttered insult and am just generally raw all day. It takes effort to rebuild my walls. I'm hanging on, rebuilding but its hard. Unnecessarily hard, I hate that people have to make this so difficult. I hate being yelled at and threatened, I hate being stared at. I'm trying to live, literally exactly like you. It makes no sense to make that more difficult for me as I am effecting you and yours in no way. Its grating and exhausting . I can't stand to look in a mirror and I can just barley scrape myself out of bed to make it to work and face it all again and again. To be the positive light for every ignorant ass in this town...fuck I just want to be, just exist.

There's no gold lining today just blah and more blah, sorry to be down, I hate to make this journal a bitch fest but I promised honesty here and this is where I am right now. I do hope each one of you is lovely and your days have been wonderful.