Petra – on the day of forty-four sunsets

My tour guide Ahmed hated being my tour guide. He hated so much that on the last day, he refused my request to go to the little Petra. I also need to google myself about some of the histories that I want to know. Sometimes I want to ask him if he treats his other customers like that too, or in other words, when he is really taking this as his job, how professional can he get, because I have some doubts in his proficiency. Nonetheless, I did not want to remind him that he was my tour guide, so I never asked.

Ahmed

Petra is a very unique city in my eyes. To be honest, Petra is pretty much like the countryside in a third-world country. Streets are dirty; kids in barefoot; and there is no much going on other than tourism.

However, People are extremely open compared to all the countries I have ever traveled to, even to those developed countries. It is very common to see locals marry foreigners from the U.S., from Europe and etc. For example, Ahmed’s ex-girlfriend is from Chicago and I actually met her; she is a blond…. Ahmed friend’s wife is from Belgium and many other examples. Because it is so touristic here, many kids can speak many different languages. Maybe not in a native proficiency, but I still considered amazing.

the street of the village in Petra

I did not recognize there are any rules in the city. People smoke weeds on the street, in the house. I asked if people should get married at a certain age (like in many Asian countries) and Ahmed said: no, you do whatever you want. I also asked if boys are weighted more valuable than girls and Ahmed also said no. Apparently, LGBT group is also being accepted in the culture.

Ahmed did not even bother to pretend that he knows the answer to my questions about history or want to answer them, but he would lie about how he already bought drinks so that I can come out with him. He did not take me to the best Kebob place in town as another tour guide has offered me, Ahmed bought me the bread that his grandma made and brought me back to home and ate his mom’s cooking (THE BESTTTT!!!) with all his brothers instead.

Ahmed mom’s cooking! So good…

Ahmed wondered on the streets with me, showed me around the neighborhood. The little girl who is about 3 or 4 years old, living just around the corner will yell: “Ahmed, Ahmed, Ahmed” whenever she sees him. I also found it fascinated how everyone literally greets everyone regardless if they know each other, as long as they are all locals. Even if they are in the car, they would wave at each other as a gesture when they pass by. Ahmed took me to see his cousins, nieces, aunts and uncles.

You can probably tell by now. Ahmed never wanted me to be or treated me as his customer, Ahmed wanted me to be in his life. In those three days, he did not and was not intended to show my Petra, he showed me his life and wished I could stay.

2).

“Are you going to Wadi Rum today?” asked by the hotel manager.
“I already went to Wadi Araba.” I answered.
His eyes widened and gave me a “how is that even possible” look without saying anything more.

My best experience in Petra was the desert. There are two deserts in Petra, one is called Wadi Rum, which is a dessert that 99% of the tourists would go and there are lots of camp options that you can find online. Another one is called Wadi Araba and only locals go there. There are no camps in Wadi Araba, locals make their own tents whenever they go. locals love to go there to chill, to hang out, or to do a family night out. I went with Ahmed and all his friends, three trucks in total.

The first thing that I really love about the desert is the emptiness. You can look far, and nothing blocks your sights. You see where the sky meets the earth, and you can stare at it for as long as you want; not a single soul will come and bother you. Like I mentioned in my previous article, China felt suffocated to me. Though at the end of my journey, I felt okay, when I felt so happy in the desert, I knew I was never okay in China. In here, I finally felt like I can breathe. I felt nothing constrains me. I felt free.

I lied down on the sand. Right above me, the stars have started to appear. I looked left and right, the horizon was lying down right beside me. I stared at the horizon. I watched the sun spread different kinds of color pink onto the mountains. Then I watched his masterpiece to fade away, leaving only an orange ring around himself.

If you say in the morning, the earth is the sun’s canvas and he paints a masterpiece every day. At dark, he removed all the colors and returned the earth back to its origin. I sat up and sitting on top of a sand wave as I watched him do the magic. The sentence from the Little Prince kept ringing in my head: one day, I saw the sunset forty-four times.

Ahmed’s ex-girlfriend, as well as his cousin who is now dating his ex, are both in the desert cohort. Therefore, it was a miserable night for him. There were multiple times he asked to have a private word with me and explained to me how unhappy he was. However, to be honest with you. I wasn’t listening at all. I was too obsessed with the desert.

Ahmed slept early that night; leaving me only his friend Jiihmal and me. I actually really enjoyed Jiihmal’s company because firstly, I felt much safer with him since he never tried to seduce me, secondly none of us talk much, I hate being forced into conversations, and thirdly I never need to think about how to deal with his emotion, like what I consistently need to do when I face Ahmed. The rest of the night, I read Camus on my Kindle around the fire and he played on his phone on the other side of the fire.

Everyone who knows me knew that I am addicted to starry sky and I have made many effort to see many beautiful starry nights. I just cannot get enough of it and therefore, I wanted to sleep under the stars in the desert; it means no tent. All camps in Wadi Rum refused to do it because the weather is too cold now, but Ahmed did not give a shit about it. He learned that I wanted it and he basically just said: bullshit, let’s go.

It only took Ahmed may be only 3 hours from convincing me to get me in the desert.

So that night, I had what I wanted it. God was on my side that night. It was a beautiful clear night that night. When I lay down on my “bed”, it was my first time that I can not only see the stars, I can also clearly see constellations. I think I saw a Scorpio. I starred at the sky. I was completely lost in it.

It reminds me of my room when I was young back in Guangzhou. I bought lots of glowing stickers of stars and moon and I stick them to the roof of my bedroom so that I can watch the “stars” every night as I fall asleep. It reminds me of when I was a kid, my every-night bedtime story. They were never about the princesses but was always about the galaxy.

3).

“why don’t you stay tonight?” asked by Ahmed’s twin brother.
“Because I don’t want Ahmed to be unhappy.” I answered with a polite smile.
“No, I think he would be very happy if you stay.” said his brother.
I did not say anything anymore and looked down to the fire that Ahmed made for me in his backyard.

For the last night, I was supposed to stay at Ahmed’s house. He even bought lots of candles and stick them into the sandbags. He lighted them, turned them into lamps and used them to decorate his backyard. It actually looked romantic in his backyard. Now, I understood why his little brother gave me an extra look when Ahmed asked me to go outside and I stood up to follow.

I insisted to leave and moved into a hotel that night because I could tell Ahmed’s emotion was completely off that night. One moment, he would put up a lovely smile and seduce me to date him. After I refused, he would become aggressive, completely upset and said many harmful words to me. Then he would feel bad and apologize he would respect me. And he kept switching between all these emotions. After this circle went around a couple of times, I decided to leave. I did not sign up to suck up another person’s emotion for this trip.

I understood why he behaved his way. Before I left, he told me about his life in an honest manner. How his father left the family when he was fourteen and all his brothers have to work to support the family. How he hated the whole town talk about his ex left him. How he really wanted to support his youngest brother to finish his study.

I knew he was unhappy inside. I knew he has been hurt by the multiple betrayals in his life. I knew he eagerly needed someone to support him emotionally. I knew he cared a lot for his family. I knew he was good inside his heart. I saw his wounds and I wished I could cure it, but I knew I could not. I don’t have the magic. I am not Jesus. I can’t fix another person’s life.

He reminded of myself when I was in depression. I also wished I had that angel in my life and came to save me. I wished I could say: “Thank you for being in my mess-up life” to someone as well, but I never had. I don’t know if that was lucky or unlucky but one thing I learned from my own experience is that one needs to find happiness in itself. If you rely your happiness on anything else, you can never be truly happy. I wish I could tell Ahmed that, but I knew he must learn it in his own way.

I have a favorite poem in my life. It was called “if I should have a daughter” by Sarah Key. My favorite line was: “… no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

4).

I saw the prettiest sunset, the brightest stars in my Petra trip. I received many kindnesses and I collected many heartbreaks. I also asked myself, what is my takeaway after I have seen so many?

I am actually not sure, but I think I start to take life as it is. I stop to amplify the heartbreaks and misfortunes in life and I started to cherish everything. I learned that life will always have heartbreaks, but it will also always have good things. So, look away when bad things happen. Remember, to look away, then you will see something else.

I will always remember Petra in bonfires, in candles, and in stars; in the sunsets, in mountains, and in music. I will always remeber how we drive crazy in the desert, raced with another car and had an insane turn which gave me a full month of sand.

The most vivid picture I had in my head about Petra was the second last night when Ahmed took me to sleep inside a cave. He and Jiimad made the fire in front of the cave and Jiimad was playing “Stand by me”. When we heard the song, we all yelled “yassss!!!”.

“When the night has come. And the land is dark. And the moon is the only light we’ll see…” filled the opened air. The stars were above us and we all sang with our wine: “ so darling so darling, stand, by me. Oh, stand by me. Oh, stand, stand by me, stand by me….”

— Jan. 18th 2019 @ Stay Inn Hostel, Jerusalem

If the sky that we look upon should tumble and fall, or the mountains should crumble to the sea. I won’t cry, I won’t cry, no I won’t shed a tear. Just as long as you stand, stand by me.”