I'm literally stuck in about a 5 mile radius. I've come to hate this town and the endless sprawl of city after city after city with no space in-between. Of course it's all fantasy because I can't go anywhere at all. Money is all that matters. I have never been able to make any so I live like a homeless person in a tiny apt and wish to be invisible every time I go outside. I have no friends having lost them all to death suicide and extremist conspiracies. I'm so delusional I actually fantasise about having a girlfriend. Which is virtually impossible because I am exactly what no one wants. Failed artist failed musician failed photographer failed human. The last 30 years here have been a nonstop contraction of every right and freedom and every thing fun and worth living. I should have been a criminal land developer building enormous cheap falling apart condos for huge money and just screwed everyone and then I could have a car with air-conditioning like everyone else and and then I could just pay escorts to pretend to find me attractive. I've never been to Europe. Never been to 99.99999999 percent of the world. Cant afford a passport. I walk around in circles afraid of being shot to death because you know this is America where every person has a gun collection and 3 dogs. I'm inane and utterly unlikeable. Where do people like me go? There's no place. I argue with myself that I'm an artist or some sort of creative person. It's pathetic. It's so ugly here I can't stand it. I would like to see Australia. New Zealand, Tasmania. I doubt I will ever see the tropics as I hate heat and don't fancy dengue fever or some cerebral malaria. I already have enough night mares as it is. I would like to see Peru and Chile and The Monets in the Orangerie. Not the Orsay. The oval room. well. once again writing has lead me into confessing my ugliness.