Fast Food Around the World!
A travelogue by staff writer Herman Gelcap.
Pictured: Herman Gelcap
The jetsetting lifestyle can bring a great deal of excitement, but it's not without its downsides. Take it from me, legendary travel journalist Herman Gelcap : if it has wings, I've flown it; if it has wheels, I've driven it; if it has pontoons, I've pontooned it. My travels have taken me all over this vast and mysterious world of ours, and each new destination is a new adventure, with new experiences to be had and new treasures to find.
What is often difficult to find, however, is that taste of home. It's true, I have a very diverse, eclectic palette, so I rarely find myself in a spot where the local cuisine won't be more than enough to sustain my gastronomic urges. Every now and then, though, usually late at night, after a day of being guided through an exotic foreign city by glamorous, legal-aged escorts, the craving hits. You know what craving I'm talking about: American fast food.
If you're new to travel, and are worried that you won't be able to find your favorite comfort food during your journey, worry no more! From burgers to fried chicken to "Mexican" food, there are few corners of the world where you won't find the same restaurants that you would drunk drive to in the middle of the night during college.
One caveat, though: while the menus will likely look more-or-less the same, depending on where you are, you're going to find that there are some unique options available specifically for that country. Sometimes these can be great! Sometimes these can be hot vomit!
So let's take a look, shall we? Let's see here... what's a popular travel destination? Hmm... Someplace that's warm, scenic, and of notable cultural interest.
Got it! Let's go to KFC. That is, KFC in...
Kazakhstan
Scenic Almaty
So say that you're wandering around Almaty late on a Saturday night. Your footsteps are wobbly because you've been pounding Tian-Shan Krepkoes at the bandy match all evening, and now you want to soak up some of that alcohol before catching a street taxi back to your hotel to pass out for the night. There, cutting its way through the smog, you see the friendly face of Harland David Sanders beaming at you like a lighthouse in a storm. You enter, and what do you find? Well, let's start off with the weird shit:
Boksmaster Julien
Mmm mmm, now would you look at that! On a scale of one to ten, the options at Kazakh KFC are on the low side of things. Unless you think cucumbers are weird, you're going to be disappointed if you came for a wacky late night snack. Just take a look at the description given to this menu option by the Kazakh KFC website:
"This Boksmaster Julien is a lousy! True Dawood himself! Portos! Boksmaster Julien KFC go hungry qarınıñmen fight! Contains: chicken, potato fritters, fried mushrooms flavored sauce, tomatoes, lettuce, cheese and cucumbers."
See? Totally normal. No, this is not the place to look for weird shit. If you want weird shit, you'll find that in your bucket o' chicken.
Explain this shit. Fries? With fried chicken? I really hate to have to rely on argumentum ad populum here, but everyone knows that the only way that you are allowed to involve tubers with your fried chicken meal is in the mashed and slathered with unnaturally smooth brown gravy fashion, and that's an absolute fact. French fries have their place, do not get me wrong, but this is not their forte.
You know I'm not wrong. It's weird.
The Philippines
Scenic The Philippines
Is it "The Philippines", or just "Philippines?" If you know, leave it in the comments. All that aside, the first thing you should know about KFC in the Philippines is that they deliver. That's right: a piping hot bucket of chicken, delivered right to your door. Yep, a bucket of chicken, along with everyone's favorite side dish.
"Spagett!" - Spagett 
It also looks like it comes with some sort of rice tetrahedrons, and a yellowish-brown sauce that could either by honey mustard dip or analgesic cream. There are also rumors that you can bring KFC into movie theaters in the Philippines, but I also heard that you could bring ice cream into the ladies' room at that club in Chiang Mai, and all I got was slapped, so until that's rumor is confirmed, my suggestion is stick to popcorn.
India
High-definition satellite photograph of India
It might be hard to imagine, but what if there's a time when it isn't KFC that you're hankering for? What if it's something more refined? Something a little country, but also a little rock and roll. Something that is bold enough to knock you out of your seat, and food enough to contain nutritional value.
You know what I'm talkin' 'bout.
India, already south of the border along much (but not all) of its landmass, is a great place to get Taco Bell - if you don't mind the fact that you're not getting beef anywhere. No, that ground up mash of meaty, saucy slop is, for whatever reason, not beef in India. You see, in India, Jesus was a cow, and by the transitive power of Hinduism, now every Indian person believes that each and every cow is Jesus. I'm pretty sure that's what it is, anyway, based on my own observations.
Pictured: nothing from a cow, at all.
You can also get this weird flag-shaped Not Burrito.
I don't get this thing at all, to be honest. If you're going to eat all those ingredients, what's keeping you from going all the way with it and wrapping the whole shebang up in a tortilla! Hell, you can even use one of your delicious native flatbreads instead of the traditional tortilla, if you'd like. That's a thing at Taco Bell India.
What a magical world we live in!
This is just a sampling of the great options available to you if you decide to become an experienced world traveler - like me, Herman Gelcap. Yes, you're probably going to have the most fun going out and sampling the myriad local food options, but if you find yourself getting tired of roasted scorpions, fermented fish slush, and overseasoned dog meat, you'll always find a familiar meal nearby - and some new favorites, hopefully, as well!