The Vang Vieng swingers club & other tales

Vang Vieng, Lao Peoples Dem Rep
June 04, 2014

The bus from Luang Prabang to Vang Vieng was torturous. Horrid in fact, yet beautiful at the same time. Six hours on a hot sweaty bus that was driven by some kind of suicidal maniac on dangerous crumbling mountain roads. At the same time the scenery was breathtaking. Huge tree covered limestone columns that disappeared out of sight into the clouds above, it was stunning. A few hours of endless scenery later and we rolled in Vang Vieng. A little disorientated and giddy thanks to the deathwish driver. We found a place to stay straight away for a good price and settled in. Vang Vieng really surprised me. To be fair I wasn’t sure exactly what to expect but it wasn’t like any picture I had in my mind.

It used to be the crazy party and drugs capital of Laos but the government have since clamped down on all of that and it seems like the place is slowly returning to the old hippy haunt that it used to be. The most popular thing for people to do here is tubing. Floating down the river in massive inner tubes and stopping at a dozen bars along the river to get hammered and flinging themselves down slides and rope swings into the river. After an unbelievably large amount of deaths due to people being smashed and throwing themselves into rocks (twelve deaths in one month at one point!) the government made the locals pull down most of the bars and all the slides and swings have disappeared as well. Party poopers, maybe, saving lives, definitely a good thing in my eyes. The bit that surprised me was how small and beautiful Vang Vieng is. It sits on a river and the surrounding countryside is stunning. Very idyllic and not what I was expecting.

The town itself is tiny and nice and relaxed. Plenty of places to grab a beer and some of Laos local produce but certainly not the party central feel I was expecting to arrive in. We did our usual thing and spent a couple of days just mooching around and getting a feeling for the place. Checking out what we could do and sussing out the best prices for it. The local Rasta bar got some decent business from us as well and we did what most other travelers do when they come here….we sat and chilled and watched Friends and Family Guy. Yep that’s right we sat and watched telly. I don’t know how this ever came about in Vang Vieng but it is everywhere. You get up and have breakfast, go for a wander at 9am to visit the Rasta bar and then take your pick from a myriad of bars, restaurants and cafe’s that only screen Friends and Family Guy non-stop, all day long. A little bizarre, and a tad surreal but that’s how it goes in Vang Vieng. So that’s what we did, we spent a couple of days relaxing and laughing.

By the third day we needed to get out and about and explore what was around so we rented a motorbike for the day and headed off into the wilderness around us, and what wilderness it was. The landscape is amazing here and Laos was rapidly turning into one of my favorite Asian countries. It’s miles behind some of the more developed countries nearby but it has so much to offer and the people are so genuinely friendly and nice to you. The bike was cheap enough so we headed off to get lost. across the river and up bumpy rocky tracks through the limestone cliffs and mountains. Passing the tiniest of villages and settlements. Children waving happily at you as you scooted by and generally an all round pleasant day out. We didn’t know where we were, where we were headed but that didn’t matter. Just us, the bike and a beautiful landscape on a beautiful day. We ambled around for hours before heading back before sunset.

As we crossed the bridge back to the town we decided to explore the outskirts a bit more as the bike didn’t need to be back until 8pm. As we chugged up a street we spotted a temple on the left that was packed with people and laughter. Unsure if we would be welcome or not and also that we didn’t have our sarongs with us to cover up for a temple we decided to check the place out tentatively to see what was going on, not wanting to impose ourselves or upset anyone we stood and watched from the entrance to see what was happening.

It was packed with locals. All of them drinking and screaming their heads off and strangely enough playing tug of war. Tug of war, eh? A few of them spotted us and invited us in. Brilliant, what was going on here then? They grabbed one of the guys who spoke the best English there to come over and see us and it turned it out it is a festival they have every season for the farmers to pray for good weather and rain for their crops, and general well being of everyone. But where did the tug of war come into it? I guess the festival has evolved over the years and they generally drink a load of beer and have a game of tug of war. Men V’s women. I was quickly coerced into grabbing the rope and helping the guys out. This was brilliant. Not your every day travelers experience in Laos by any stretch of the imagination. Remember I did say the people are really friendly here right? So I grabbed my rope and off we went. The next thing I knew an old lady was beating me with a stick repeatedly, and hard as well. What the hell? I was wondering when watching how the women were winning most of the games and it’s because they like to cheat. They tickle you, beat you with sticks, pull your pants down, anything they can do to make sure they win. It was hilarious. Soon enough Dani was on the women’s side and mass hilarity broke out as the games continued and the beer flowed. It was such a good laugh and eventually once everyone was too drunk to tug any more war at the temple the games ended and everyone spilled across the road and into one of the locals houses. We were invited over for drinks and well, it would be rude not to wouldn’t it?

Once at the house we were handed small almost shot glasses of beer and encouraged to down them in one. A good few of these later and I was getting a little mindful that the bike would need to be back soon and that I may not be in a state to ride it soon. So I left Dani there and headed back to drop the bike off. It was a decent distance away and was a good half an hour before I had walked back and found the house again. I was greeted by the sight of Dani up dancing with a very strange look on her face, but I sat myself down and cracked open a couple of beers that I had picked up on the way back to add to the ridiculous amount of beer the locals had plied us with. As I sat there trying to have a craic on with the women around me one of them kept nudging me and pointing between herself and I. I didn’t have a clue what she meant as hardly anyone there spoke English so I shrugged it off and laughed. Next the woman opposite me got my attention and starting motioning as if to do the five knuckle shuffle. Hmm what had happened in the past half hour. It was quieter there now with just a few folks around the table in the back yard. Then the same woman started to stroke her arm in the most suggestive way possible. I laughed it off but she kept going. At this point Dani was eventually allowed back to the table from dancing only to tell me that one of the guys had taken a particular interest in trying to pull her top down and check her ample assets out. Right then so this is what was happening. As we looked around and more and more people had left we realised the folks we were left sitting with were obviously the singles and had taken a very keen interest in trying to get into Jonny foreigners pants. It was hilarious. The women were hammered at his point and kept nudging me and motioning what they wanted to do to me and Dani was getting seriously nervous about they guys as they were keen to escort her personally to the toilet every time so finally we made our excuses and headed back. Absolutely ruined from the beer shots and chuckling at the events that had unfolded. It was a great experience and one you rarely get to do I suspect. The locals generosity knows no bounds I guess.

The next morning we woke with massive hangovers. I don’t even think we drank a massive amount but the way they drink it just gets you ruined. Once we had some breakfast and pulled our heads together we headed off to the tubing shop to grab our tubes and hopped in a Tuk Tuk to take us up-stream ready to go tubing. I was looking forward to it, lazily floating down a river in my tube with a few beers here and there. It was like an 18-30 club in Laos. Our main guy was an American in his thirties who still acted like he was about 15. Many a woop and a high five and some bullshit story about the antics he had been up to. A few games of beer pong and some shots later and we were ready to tube off down stream……all of 50 yards to the next bar. I could have walked it in less time than it took to grab my tube, float then climb out at the other end but hey second bar it was. We had a craic on with a couple of girls from the Faroe Isles that we had met and grabbed a few Vodka slushies to see us on our way to bar three. The heavens opened and as we headed down further and as more people had more drink in them chaos sure enough ensued on the river. People were mangled by this point and bar three was a good laugh with some decent music to boot. By bar four we were mangled ourselves and it didn’t take long before we grabbed a Tuk Tuk back to town. The tubing itself was all of about 200 yards and a little disappointing. The drink was plentiful though and as cheesy as the hosts were they still made it good craic for everyone. We headed out for more drinks when we got back surprisingly enough at some bar with the manliest transvestites I’ve ever laid eyes on before we finally headed to bed, weary and ruined.

The next day was a tender affair. Another visit to the Rasta bar to take the edge of the banging heads we had and we also got our transport out of Vang Vieng sorted for the following day. Next stop is Phosovan and the Plain of Jars which will eventually take us to towards the Vietnam border. Vang Vieng has been an experience, and a good one at that.