William Southold, The Southold Report
There is less than two weeks before Trump’s long time personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, is scheduled to report to prison. He had hoped to postpone his perp walk with an offer to testify before Congress again, promising to disclose more information that he had come across from reviewing files that had been returned to him by the FBI. However, following the publication of the Mueller Report, Congress now has a smorgasbord of other possible witnesses to bring in for questioning, so apparently they have chosen to pass for now.
I had read a Wall Street Journal article earlier today about Mr. Cohen, in a phone call to his friend comedian Tom Arnold, disavowing responsibility for some of the crimes to which he has pleaded guilty, and him remaining “a man all alone.”
But I was surprised to receive a phone call from him. I assumed his call had something to do with the WSJ story, but it didn’t. Our conversation was brief, but telling, as to his state of mind regarding Trump. Here it is:
Cohen: Fake Newsman, you ready for a scoop?
Me: Always. May I ask who is calling?
Cohen: Oh, yeah. It’s Michael Cohen, once confiding lawyer and drinking buddy with that sleaze bag sitting in the Oval Office.
Me: (my finger hovering over the record button) Can I record this?
Cohen: Record away.
(I pushed the button and stated time and place, and who I was talking to, then asked him if that was correct.)
Cohen: Correcto. Michael Cohen is on your line.
(Breaking through a storm of questions popping in my mind like little lady fingers, it took me a second to collect my thoughts.)
Me: So, Mr. Cohen. What brings you to call me this morning?
Cohen: I’m calling everybody this morning, and since you are the number one Fake Newsman in the country right now . . .
Me: Only one, I’m the only Fake Newsman in the country. (I interrupted him, which showed me how I needed to settle down, and just let him explain. I took a breath and asked him to go on.)
Cohen: OK. Only one. Listen. I got something to say before they send me, and not that crazy bastard, up the river.
Me: You sound angry.
Cohen: Well, let’s not talk about that. What I wanted to say, I want to tell you, and everybody, a little Trump tale on my way out of town. (This time I held back, and he went on.) When me and him used to make the rounds, at the bars I’m talkin’ about, the parties and all, every time a girl comes up to him, wants to talk to him, maybe asks for a selfie, every time when they leave, he would turn to me and say the same thing. She wants me!
(I let a moment pass, to see if he was going to continue.)
Cohen: You hear what I’m telling you? That sorry excuse . . . for an excuse, thought every girl he ever talked to wanted to hop in the sack with him. That’s who your president is.
(I truly didn’t know what to say now.)
Me: Well, maybe he was just joking. One man to another.
Cohen: No way! That horny bastard meant it!
(I then heard a voice say, in a little bit of a shout: “Michael, we need to talk and we need to talk right now!” I’ve heard that same thing from time to time, directed at me with my name on it, so I wasn’t surprised that he brought our call to a close.
Cohen: Listen. I gotta go. But I am calling everyone I can think of and telling them my story. If you write this, the bastard will deny it. But what’s new with that scumbag?
So that was my phone call from a none too happy Michael Cohen. I rushed to post this, and I assume you will soon be reading the same thing from Real News People. But just perhaps, you read it here first.
Central News Service, proudly bringing you the fakest news anywhere, featuring our very own Pulitzer Prize winning Fake Newsman, William Southold
(CNS Disclaimer: Mr. Southold has in no way won the Pulitzer Prize.)
(Image a screenshot of CBS Evening News)