Lost for words

I just wanted to be able to talk about my feelings.

I had never been open to anyone and I guess... that's one reason why I ended up in therapy. Up until this moment, I haven't realized that this was the one goal and I think it's time for me to pay her a visit.

That's why I've been so sad lately. I have found so many things about myself and I haven't been able to share them, or simply, to expose them.

Everyone knows what I wanna do and where I'm going. No one really knows what I'm going through.

In this whirlpool of feelings and discoveries about them, I believe I've even lost so few of the meanings I gave it along the way. I'm not the type who really takes note of everything. Funny enough, this is why I'm writing in this very moment. Not really though, I have to say, I have wanted to write for longer than a year or so and it HAD TO be somewhere people would be able to see it and not know it's me but does it even make any sense?

I understand that by suppressing what I'm feeling I'm also running away and at the end, not dealing with what will eventually save me from my own self.

My anxiety and my peoples' phobia take over most times. The idea of existing a possibility of someone finding out about me exposing the deepest threads that have been going on in my mind the last few months is just terrifying.

What if it comes to my family's knowledge I've been striving with suicidal thoughts and that this doesn't occur just every other day?

How about if somebody even guesses that I'm still suffering from the last love-episode of my life?

So much worse would be if people knew who I really am. I don't even know who I really am. This is scary.

Which leads me to the starting point. I have definitely been speechless most of my life and that is what I consider to have been the reason why I'm in this place.

A few years in a rigid church will teach you right how to just obey and keep it shut. Your parents will take the pastor's advice and prohibit everything. They'll also say everything that is not related to the church you go is wrong and comes from the devil. They will also not forget to tell you that being around girls is not for boys at your age, that feeling any urge is a sin, that you can't love, because if you do you'll get hurt, just like when you do anything else wrong and you get beaten up in your room. Right there and then, a huge scar is starting to be carved in your psyché. You can't love.

But that's another post's subject.

Let's talk a little about when they say you can't have an opinion cause you're just a stupid teen (they sure won't forget to remember you that mostly every day), that you're just a pile of shit and your dad couldn't care less about you. He's having fun somewhere, living his life.

When you think of something fun you could say... Say what?
Shut it right now!
Brush your teeth!
Make yours and your brother's bed!
Mine too!
Take the trash out!
Study harder, you're stupid!
Pray!
Go to church!
You've already been out twice this month!
Don't hang out with your friends from school!

Stay home all week long praying to a God that will end up not existing and try to preach about him to your friends at school so they can think that you're weird because you don't do anything that they do.

Congratulations. You've just raised a very responsible, smiling and respectful robot. Wait, wait... it's not all that bad. He's been to school too but he only did enough to get a diploma. He didn't have an opinion, remember? So he just did whatever he was told to do, no questions asked.

You know, what the heck could the problem be? I mean, he's a nice kid, what could go wrong? It's not like he's gonna have a hard time finding a job, keeping up to his girlfriend or being self-confident​. These things never happen, psychology stuff is bullshit.

Do you think this kind of education will make him want to have kids one day? I guess so. After all, he knows now that being a kid is the best life's season and also, that parents love to be parents. It's such a wonderful experience everyone should go through. Why not have a child? It's part of life! If you don't do this it's like you're not even living!

How about your life's legacy? You have to have kids, that's enough reason!

Your life's legacy? Your life's legacy is a person jammed with problems from the inside out, top to bottom, head to toe.

Once more, congratulations. You've created someone to suffer. You've welcomed another being to hell. You've taken the chance out of a being who could be anywhere else but here.

"Oh but look at your life, you have everything!"

Exactly!

Imagine those who don't have anything!

If I should be good, think about the others!

WHY live a life not being able to experience the truth about the world, or who you are, or what's going on???
Who wants to live that life???

TELL ME, WHO?