Building or Healing Intimate Relationships Requires Vulnerability

“People think that intimacy is about sex. But intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them bare and their response is 'you're safe with me'- that's intimacy.”   ― Taylor Jenkins Reid

The world has been infected with the idea that vulnerability is a weakness.  By sharing our pain, fears, mistakes, doubts and troubles, people think that it shows weakness, especially with men.  Most of us were taught that men are to be tough, seen but not heard or even that "men don't cry".  How many of us grew up hearing "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about"?  But these ideas are false and outdated principles designed to suppress the divine masculine energy which ends up sabotaging our capacity to participate in intimate relationships.  The result is devastating and it leaves our relationship with the divine feminine in limbo where the men are lost and confused as to how to participate in an intimate relationship.

But what if the men decided to find the courage to overcome this false programming and really start to share their feelings, struggles, pain, challenges and tears?  What if us men started to share the intimate details of what is going on within our hearts, minds and spirit?  

Original Photo Ian Sane (CC2.0)

Before we answer those questions, let me be one of the first to state categorically;  sharing at this level changes lives for the better, heals generational trauma and has a profound ripple effect in ones community, tribe and family.  In 2001 when I sat in a room with 40 strangers, I was terrified to share anything with them.  It took me weeks before I found the courage to share with the group and weeks more to dig deep and share the darkest secrets that I held since I was a child and swore I would never share.  That courage to share liberated me more than any drug or previous therapy session ever had in my entire life.

Now I'm involved with a tribe that uses that same principle to help create a safe container for people to share.  We do that by having a few of the facilitators sharing our own deep dark secrets and being completely vulnerable and blunt in front of the group.  The impact that has on others attending our workshops is profound and life altering.  By being vulnerable we show the participants that this is a safe place to share and that the risks are not as scary as our imaginations pretend them to be.  

Over the last 20 years I've taken that principle and shared some really deep stuff on line, in public and even within my business relationships prior to moving off grid.  I've written about them on Facebook, this blog and my books.  I've never been attacked, rebuked or chastised for my intimate sharing.  I openly talked about my struggles with depression, suicide attempts, addictions, etc as a way to open up the conversations and start the healing process.  By keeping this stuff secret we end up suffering in silence, but by sharing we help each other heal so that we can move on with our lives and embrace the gifts given us by Creator.  

An interesting result has manifested from my courage to share openly with others.  My capacity to participate and hold the charge within extremely intimate relationships has increased a thousand fold.  I'm not talking about sexual intimacy but rather emotional, mental and even spiritual intimacy.  It is this level of relationship that I desire most and over the last 20 years I've found many relationships in my life that obtain this level of intimacy.  The sad part is that the vast majority of those relationships are with women.  The ladies work hard at building these kinds of relationships and they seem to be fairly proficient at doing this level of work.  But the guys seem to really struggle and they risk falling behind if the men don't start stepping up!

Guys, I know how tough it is to open up and share at this level.  It goes against everything we were ever taught as a child or young man.  Being this open on a job site may even result in bullying or even worse, losing ones job, especially when working on pipe lines, oil field or other hyper-male dominated jobs.  But with courage, support and strength, we can change these paradigms within our social groups and open up the lines of communication between each other, within our relationships and perhaps even within our marriages.  What type of life would we have if our wives, girl friends or friends felt a level of intimacy that allowed us to start talking about our pains, fears, doubts and traumas?  Is it possible that we could actually witness a revolutionary process where the men of this world could start healing from generations of bull shit and start holding the charge of what it REALLY means to be a man in a healthy relationship?

When we do that, we actually build physical, emotional, mental and spiritual strength.  We get stronger, not weaker and as a result our lives really start to change.  We influence others in our lives and a great deal of healing starts to unfold.  I know for a fact that men all over this planet are yearning for a level of intimacy that most of us have lacked all our lives.  We want to have intimate relationships, feel like we belong to a tribe and know our roles within that tribe.  When we build those kinds of relationships our strength, power and capacity to provide & protect increase 10 fold.  That is what scares the shit out of the puppet masters of this world.  That is what this world desperatly needs; healthy, strong men in healthy partnerships with healthy, strong women standing up as stewards and protectors of each other and Mother Earth.

When we do this work we will find our relationship with the divine feminine changing significantly.  We heal our relationship with the divine feminine by healing our relationship with ourselves.  We do that by finding the courage to stand up and share all the shit that we have stuffed inside for our entire lives and let it all out.  We heal by being vulnerable and that process shows the greatest courage and strength ever.  That process is more powerful than all the bombs and bullets in the world.  By us men standing up and being vulnerable, we will change the world.  I have no doubt about that at all.

When men are in a safe container to share at this level, I've witnessed miracles unfold.  I've seen men and women do the work in a few days that took me months or even years to accomplish.  The speed and depth of healing is astounding when we give each other permission to be vulnerable and we ensure safety in the process.  

Vulnerability requires courage!

If you are interested in participating in retreats that allow for this level of healing or you want to learn how to build those safe containers and facilitate the process for others, then you are more than welcome to join my tribe at our next retreat.  We are planning one for February.  Please contact me or my tribe for more information.  I'm on discord (WWF#2870) or you can contact Lorene, Raylene or myself on Facebook.