This is my first post on this blog, actually my first post on any blog. I have hit a wall ages ago with talk therapy, and I am thinking why not give this a go, as a sort of therapeutic outlet. I can just air my thoughts and for those who read it, well I'm sorry and for those who don't, well it doesn't really matter. I have lived on this planet for 34 years now, and as of the last 3 years my confidence, self assurance and self esteem have been at an all time low. It has some what coincided with the pandemic, which unfortunately was a catalyst for many bad habits. Give money to an addict and well I fell back into the trap. A trap that I was clear of for over 3 years might I add.
My job has also added to these issues. I am a very hard worker, and I have been in the hospitalities industry for over 16 years, from serving/ tending bar, line cook, pastry chef , to management, and now I am in a juicery making cold pressed juice. It is a grind, physically. and mentally. Th physical part is never a problem (though I am getting older and some days I feel it), but the mental part is the killer. I work hard and I take pride in any job I have, which can be misinterpreted as being a know it all or as bossy which would mean that my actions were ego-driven which couldn't be further from the truth, its just in my personality to have a strong work ethic. These misinterpretations keep the other people around me ( most of which are men) in a constant state of competition. This includes my manager, some days I feel like he thinks I am coming for his job, and believe me when I say this, I don't want his job. He is amazing at it, I just want to be able to work the way i work without it being a "who's got the bigger dick" competition. I came to this place thinking it wouldn't be as bad as other kitchens since we didn't have specials, or line responsibilities, but I guess it comes with the territory in any kitchen. The constant fucking pissing match. Being the only full time female back there and just trying to the job to the best of my abilities just opens the door to abuse, I have seen women work there that were complete garbage at their job, and they had the easiest time. I don't think I am intimidating, but I can't see who I am to other people ( although I try to be self aware) and no one comes out and says anything to me. And God forbid I make a mistake.
I guess being treated like this has made my self esteem suffer, because I am constantly asking myself "Am I good at my Job?", " Did I do something to offend someone?" " Am I just being overly sensitive?"
Covid has changed so many things in life, I was a social person before, now I am afraid to make any sort of plans, even with my family. I would quite often go out, I played a lot of shows in the different bands I was play with, I had FRIENDS. I mean the addiction hasn't helped with that either. I kept telling myself once the pandemic is over I will quit. And well i haven't quit yet, and I mean I have kind of tried, but where my mind is most days, its just easier to be high. This loop is where I have been stuck for 2 years now. I feel as though I am looking up through a tiny hole and there is light there, but the amount of effort to get to the light is astronomical, and it's easier to just stay where I am.
Sleep.
Work.
Get High.
Watch TV.
Sleep.
Repeat.
Its nice to get some shit off my chest, I have some stories and poetry I am going to post as I become more comfortable with this platform, but for today I just needed to unload.