Nearing the End

So its nearing the end of 2018. I do hope there are others that have had a better time. And I'm sure there are others that have had bad. Life is about experience and really how well you deal with the cards you're dealt. Do you sink or swim? Rise or fall? Some might even compare it to the stock market! I was thinking this morning as I was lying in bed about things I could write, talk about and even vent over. But haven't you had that? where you are laying there talking as if you are narrating your own story and the moment you decide 'let me write that' and you get up only to find the moment you get ready you're mind goes blank and you wonder 'what was I going to say?'

Seemingly that happens a lot in my head. But I also find myself thinking about how this year went. I went from leaving the military 4 years ago to divorcing my ex at the beginning of the year and moving several times within just a few months. I wonder sometimes how things would have been without. My last move was my most productive but even now I find things have slowed me down or sent me in this rut of hopelessness. My cat of nine years ran away and all I can hope is that he found a family. My father's cat passed away and of course more rather emotional things happened with my son where his father(though at this point I consider him a sperm donor) didn't even call him for his birthday.

I never really speak of him, but to know that my son still hopes like most children that have a parent who practically does not love them, that he speaks and sees him tears me up inside that my whole body aches for him. Having been military, I have such a broken relationship with my own child that I mostly spend my nights wondering 'what ifs' and thinking if I am making it any better? I suppose I'm not the only one that really thinks that.

I have been in and out of friends. Meaning wherever I move I tend to just drop them off because when I truly need them, they show no care or want to really help me. I can't say that of my friends that I have had over the net though. Even in my ruts, my depression and struggle, I always have them. They call me, check up on me and tell me that they are always there. To know I have them, it makes my life a little bit easier.

To be truthfully honest, I have probably almost come to tears just typing this. I'm at work too so how will that work out!? but honestly where I work is the whole reason for this. I love my bosses. I have only worked at this place for a few months and it already feels like a second family. Sadly, they are being booted out of their area and come after the holidays I will once again be searching for a job. It seems to me that once I start looking up, A wrecking ball comes crashing down to make me have to rethink. That's life though isn't it?

So all in all, this year I am glad its ending and paving a new way and new year for new beginnings. I wish and hope happy times ahead and a great holiday season. Don't forget about the reason for the season. Family. whether they are blood or not. Family and Friends are always what can keep you going. Sure, gifts are a happy thing, but its simply a bonus for me. I'll take time with my family over any gift. For they are irreplaceable and I only will have them so long. And if you have stuck with me through this entire thing, than I thank you for again taking time out of your day for reading.