Fatty 2 Fitty

Hi all

So I’m starting this weekly blog to go through my journey from a fatty to a fitty (fit person) and I don’t mean like this mad obsessed 0% body fat person. I mean a person who is healthy and happy in their own body.

Before I start there’s two little disclaimers one to say that I may ramble on a bit from time to time and the second is that I am known to launch into tirades of expletives and bad language at any given moment; if you are easily offended by bad language then maybe this isn’t a read for you; I have been told more than once in my life that I have a mouth like a sailor. I know I know some of you might think that’s a bit un-lady like and my response would be that I have never claimed to be a lady! I’ve trotted out the old “take me as I am or don’t take me at all” line a few times but here’s the thing and the reason that I have started this journey if I really feel that way then why was I so unhappy with myself?

To let you in on a bit of background I was in all regard a “normal” healthy active child; yes a tomboy without doubt always running around cutting my knees and climbing things and following my Dad wherever he went. My poor mother who waited 7 years after having her first child a boy to have me a little girl would try to put dresses on me and I would throw a fit, “Ma how am I supposed to climb walls or play with the animals in this” I would exclaim as I struggled with her. In the end exasperated she would just give up and I would end up in overalls and wellies, happy out.

As I got a bit older but still a child remember I started to put on weight, not that I noticed or left it hinder me but others noticed, other children in my class in school who had no problem with pointing this out to me. I didn’t really get what the big deal was at first I didn’t see anything wrong I was still able to run and play and my parents bought my clothes so they made sure they fit me. It was however as the name calling and teasing continued that I realised it wasn’t ok in fact it was wrong I must be wrong I mustn’t be good enough to play with these children anymore because I was fat.

I was a happy child don’t get me wrong but I think that was the beginning of me starting to be self-conscious around people and my confidence didn’t so much dwindle but didn’t grow either. I was still outgoing to a certain degree don’t get me wrong but looking back now I think a lot of it was a front. I was the bubbly overweight child with mad curly hair and more than likely covered in mud at any given moment.

Also in hindsight I realised that food was very much a major part of a reward system from my mam, I have distinct memories of being rewarded with a cream cake or chocolate bar for something I had done that was trivial enough and didn’t really warrant a reward. This I think grew and I it got to a stage I think where my mother never really said no in fact if I asked for a takeaway treat every day she would happily oblige to keep her little girl happy.
My mam was and is a great mother and without doubt would do anything for you, but she was a bit of a feeder and associated good thing with food. Still does by the way no one can walk into my parents’ house without being offered something whether it’s something small like a cup of tea to a full roast dinner your getting something. Oh and if you refuse well by Christ you are on the mothers shit list or there must be something wrong with you. The most common response to refusing food offered by my ma is “oh go on so make yourself sick”. In my mother’s eyes I think she equated refusing food to some sort of anorexia, which yes I get it anorexia is obviously bad mam but I don’t believe even to this day that she sees the same issue with obesity.

Anyway I digress I finished primary school at age 11 and over the summer break I turned 12 and spent a lot of time with my friends over the summer, I was walking and horse-riding and without realising not eating as much as we were out of the house getting up to all sorts for most of the summer months. I really didn’t see too much of a difference in my weight and still completely had the same fatty mentality when school term resumed and I was in a new much bigger all girls secondary school. This was a massive change from my little primary class which was a mix of boys and girls and consisted of exactly 10 pupils. It was only when my new principle called my mam in for a meeting shortly after starting and questioned me about my eating habits that I realised I had changed. My principle had thought that I developed an eating disorder which you can probably guess how my mother reacted. Yes I had lost an awful lot of weight in a very short space of time but it genuinely wasn’t a proactive choice of mine it just kind of happened as I was more active.

So here I was a teenager and newly skinny (shit am I skinny though I don’t really think I am) boys started to take an interest in me, ME? I mean why would boys be interested in me I’m just the fat friend of the girl they are really interested in right? Oh wait no I’m not anymore…. This as you can probably tell was a fucking minefield in my brain second guessing myself still having no confidence in myself how do I deal with this new found situation. Boys wanted to be my boyfriend who for two main reasons I didn’t really go with, one was pfft my horses were my life aint no body got time for stupid boys. And two as stated previously I was a bit of a tomboy and was always very comfortable in male company and so had more friends that were boys than girls. Inevitably out of those friendships 14 year old puppy love crushes would develop however I would run as fast as I could if any of them decided to tell me they had a crush on me; how could anyone have a crush on me the fatty? Oh wait ….

Between the ages of 12 and 15ish not overweight getting the attention of boys still being active with my horses and I got comfortable and slowly but surely the weight came back. After starting school with my parents being brought in for a meeting because my principle thought I had an eating disorder I was on track to finishing school being obese again. Was there a parent teacher meeting about my clearly impending obesity issue fuck no there wasn’t!

So I finished school a fatty once again and once again I lacked confidence so much so that in my last two years of school I missed a lot of days because I couldn’t bear to go in and have all the girls talking about how fat I was. Of course now that I am a bit older and facing into the last few months of my twenties I realise that those girls had enough problems of their to spend their days talking and thinking about how fat I was. When your in the moment and going through it’s a different story I mean in some respects it’s a bit conceited to think everyone is talking about you but when your overweight and have no self-confidence you feel like something is wrong that you are wrong and the whole world knows it and is disgusted by it. I felt like that at points disgusted and wrong in how I left myself get so far down a bad road I didn’t know how to get back.

So at this point here I was about 18 years finished school not on my way to college because I didn’t have the confidence to go I mean yeah sure I said oh I didn’t get into the course I wanted or my family didn’t have enough money for me to go. In fact I was offered a place in college in Dublin and declined it because I felt how can I the biggest fattest person in the world move away from home I will never make any friends or do well because who would want to be friends with me. Look yes ok there was also the financial question that I do stand by we would have been able to afford it without a major struggle that would of broken my heart to see my parents go through because without a shadow of a doubt they would of without question to send me to college. That wasn’t the main reason why I didn’t go though and this is only something I’ve come to realise in the last few weeks I didn’t go because I was fat. For a bout a year or possibly two I mooched around “looking” for a job getting heavier going out every weekend drinking with the lads while my girl friends were wearing little skimpy dresses I was wearing clothes I got in an old lady shop because there was no way I was putting a skimpy dress on even if I managed to find a circus tent to fit me. Once again I was the fat friend that boys weren’t interested in so again I became the bubbly outgoing up for a laugh could drink any fella under the table liable to get up to anything always mad for a bit of craic girl that on the inside had a strong hate for herself and what she had become.

Ok so fuck all this doom and gloom and self hatred the next part in my weekly blog has a bit of a happier side to it check back in next week to read more, only if you want obviously………….