I never had that relentless longing to become a mother like a lot of women have. One of the most beautiful things in the universe, yet I just don't have that desire. I have no apathy either. Indifference is probably the right word.
Like many young girls I played with dolls, I loved to play house. I liked to help my mom care for my baby brother. I grew up with the assumption that I'd some day become a mom with a family of my own. But that was society and the natural desire of young girls to emulate my own mother in my future life. But as I grew older it became less and less of something I thought about.
Assumptions People Make About Me
- I must not like children
Not even the least bit true. In junior high I volunteered in the pediatric wing of the local hospital. In high school (and for 15 or so years after that) I coached youth soccer. I babysat for most of my school years. And I loved those kids dearly. In fact I'm still in touch with many of them today; they're grown now with families of their own. I am Auntie April to many of my friends' kids. My brother's three children are the most important things in the world to me (more on this later). When I lived in IL I volunteered at a group home for pregnant, homeless teen moms. Most of my time there was spent babysitting while they attended parenting and GED classes. My life is full of children.
- I sacrificed a family for a career
This one gets under my skin the most. There is a societal belief that a woman has to choose one or the other. Bullshit. Sure it takes some help, and one or the other might take a back seat from time to time. A woman CAN have it all. And millions of women are doing it every single day. Sure, I've always been career-minded, and I've accomplished a decent amount professionally. But never, not one single day, did I feel I was choosing it over something else. I have managed my career all the while giving time to other people's children. There is a lot to say on this topic, but perhaps for another post. This one is about my desire to have children, not my ability to have both a family and a career. If anything, I've worked hard in my career to be able to spend more valuable time. Little example, but on Friday I'm leaving work around lunch to go read to my niece's pre-k class. I've worked hard to afford that luxury; leaving without approval from anyone or missing pay, using vacation time, etc.
I'm lying to myself due to my PCOS
This one is a fan favorite. SO many people (mostly mothers) have suggested this to me; even my own mother. When I was 20 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. And sure, it sucks. For medical reasons. That was 24 years ago (yikes!) and for the most part I have it worked out. But everyone wants to make it this huge emotional experience for me. It really wasn't. Firstly, let's understand that PCOS does not mean that you cannot have children. In some cases (most) it will make conception difficult, but certainly not impossible. So it wasn't as though at an early age I found out I couldn't have kids, so put it out of my mind and decided that I didn't want any anyway. But that's what a lot of people have turned it into. Secondly, there are a ton of alternate ways to become a parent. I don't need ovaries to become a mom.I'm selfish
It's common for people without children to say that they didn't want to give up any of their freedom. Nothing wrong with that, but it's never been that for me either. I've tied myself down (somewhat) in other ways, with pets and volunteer responsibilities or caring for other kids. Sure, it's not nearly the same as the commitment of having your own kids, but that's never been a reason for me. Financial reasons also really didn't occur to me. I have taken steps to take care of my brother's children financially (as best I can) and have no issues parting with money to help them or give them experiences. Again, not saying what I do is the same as what parents do for their kids. But selfishness is just another one of those assumptions people make that I don't think is really accurate in my case.
The Truth About My Decision
There isn't an easy answer to this one besides I simply just never had the desire. I'm not opposed to it, and should something have happened in my life and I found myself pregnant, I'm 100% confident I would be an amazing mother. But I simply don't feel like I need it. So I never actively tried.
I have conflict with some of my ideals. I do believe at some point we will populate ourselves to greater numbers than the earth can support. For this reason I don't support (for myself anyway) using science to procreate. I will likely need to use the help of modern western medicine to conceive. This is NOT me placing judgement on people that do utilize things like fertility drugs, IVF and the like. If you want something, go get it. I'm just saying for me, personally, it's not something I support since I don't necessarily HAVE to have a baby to feel fulfilled. That's not the case for many women.
There are some struggles that come with this. There have been times (many of them) where I struggled with feeling like less of a woman. That I somehow connect differently (and less) now with the women in my life who do have that maternal need. That I was depriving myself of some amazing connection to my own body and the life it created. Perhaps that's the key. I have never felt deprived. Although most every mother tells me that I am. I often have to remind myself that I'm every bit as much of a woman as mothers.
The Dichotomy
Kids bring me joy. I've surrounded myself with them most of my life. So it's a difficult thing for most people, and at times even myself, to understand. Why wouldn't I want any of my own? Maybe it's because I have (and always have had) wonderful children in my life that aren't mine. I get my fill that way. It's not something I can answer. Just in the same way women who do that the desire to have children, I have the same inexplicable opposite feeling.
So instead I'm the awesome Auntie. I let them have the extra cookie every now and then. I take them for outings individually and get some quality bonding time in with each of them. But I'm not afraid to discipline them either. My brothers and close friends' children anyway LOL. Not everyone's. My brother's three kids are my greatest joy in life. It's because of them I quit my job and moved the 1800 miles to be closer to them. I wanted to be more than just the out-of-town aunt that showed up from time to time. When they're older and they're pissed at their parents for whatever reason, I want to be the person they call. I want to dance at their weddings knowing we had something special throughout their lives.
I am in the same situation. I am 39 now, but all my life people knew better what I need to be happy. Of course top of the suggestions was that I might need to have child. As you I never had the call and was not my life pursue. When I used to dance more, I even teach children classes and all my friends seems to believe I have great skills with them. I just dont feel the need that any of them should be mine :)
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As a mom to 5 kids (and who ALWAYS wanted kids of my own for as long as I can remember), I find myself surrounded by friends who don't have and never wanted kids. I was shocked the first time I hear that people gave them a hard time and called them selfish for NOT wanting children, because I heard often that I was selfish for wanting children. That I would regret it because I would want a career "instead". I think people just like judging and criticizing us as women, especially as young women.
I admire you for knowing yourself so well and being so strong in just clarifying your wants and needs. This is an awesome post. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
@byn
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What @byn said!
via GIPHY
Seriously, this is an awesome post, and one I wish my mother could read (but there's NO way I'm letting her near Steemit - bad enough she reads my WP blog and freaks out over stuff... LOL!). Our youngest (about to turn 18) has said for a number of years that she doesn't think she wants kids when she grows up. My mom keeps trying to talk her out of it, and I'm like, "if she was excited to start a family, you'd be all for it. Leave her alone - if she doesn't want babies, she shouldn't have babies just because you're making her feel bad. Besides, if anyone is going to make her feel bad, it should be her parents. LOL!"
I'm hoping some day this will be a non-issue ("you have kids/don't have kids? Cool.") but I'm not holding my breath. However, thanks for adding your voice to the chorus to the people trying to drown out the noise from people who ass-ume. 😊
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Oh my mother is the leader of the pack when it comes to people nagging or judging my choice. Which is odd because she fully supports every single thing I do regardless of her personal feelings. Except this issue. LOL.
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Don't it figure? LOL! 😜
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Thank you @byn
I think for so long motherhood is what defines women. And the world is just really slow to catch up and redefine “woman”.
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Absolutely. That is so true!
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Thank you for writing this down. I can understand and appreciate ALL you have written and I strongly believe not enough women on the ‘not really want/need to be a mother’ speak about it which keeps the societal belief all women need to become a mother at some point (or else something MUST be wrong with them) in tact. I just applaud you for being you and having children is not a factor in that at all<3
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I recently did a project with 30 women of 30 years old - 28 didn’t have/knew if they wanted children. They unanimously felt however society was asking them why they still were not mothers.
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I do think, generally speaking, people are becoming mothers at a later age. Which is probably a good thing. But yes, there is this underlying feeling that something is wrong with me. That I have a cold heart, or some medical reason behind it. Truth is, i just don’t feel it
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I understand. I have three great female friends: two don’t want children for various reasons, one has passed the age and will also never be a mother. Why did I pick three non-mothers as my friends? ;-)
At this point in my life I can imagine myself being a mother but also really never be a mother. I’m happy not having too many responsibilites. My boyfriend understands but also feels it’s ‘hard’ that I make him think so hard about something he always though would ‘just’ happen at some point in his life. I understand that too - there’s comfort in just following ‘known paths’. Well, as you can see I’m in the middle of it all. Time and wisdom will tell ;-)
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Love that you wrote about this! I can relate on so many levels. For me, not wanting to have children of my own was a realization I came to later in life. For most of my life I couldn’t imagine not becoming a mom. Now, the thought of having kids of my own just doesn’t feel right somehow.
I too have always surrounded myself with children and honestly adore them. Similar to you, having kids in my life that I love investing in and spending quality time with fully satisfies all my maternal instincts.
I feel so much of this! I currently have a total of 8 nieces and nephews and counting. Being able to stay connected with them and be a significant part of their lives has meant the world to me. I realize the impact an involved auntie can have on these kids and I don’t take the relationship lightly. I know that if I had children of my own I wouln’t have the time, resources, or energy that I have now to maintain this level of closeness and influence with my nieces and nephews that I treasure so much.
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Thank you. The bond is special. And we don’t have to experience motherhood to understand 😘
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So many things I want to say as I read your post! I'll keep it simple and say "me too". My story is a bit different but boils down in a similar way to simply not feeling like I'm called to have children. I too believe that it's a HUGE undertaking to become a mother and am in complete support of those womenwho are called to it, (yes, go for it!!) but there's no need for you or me to push ourselves to become mothers when we don't have the burning desire. I too love some children and love more and more my role as auntie to my nieces and nephews.
I'm sorry that people have given you a hard time about this. For some reason I haven't had this experience but have maybe given myself a hard time about it or questioned my decisions a lot when I read articles and such.
Anyway, great subject and one that helps give women permission to make their own choices and know that other women will support them.
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Excellent excellent EXCELLENT post !!!
100%+resteemed! :D
Now, about common grounds with me...
I do agree with your final decision - even though for me might not be final quite yet as it doesn't only depend on me for now... ;)
Then...unlike you, I do not like children at all BUT I truly think that I would love that little someone, half me half the love of my life and be a good mother besides that fact :)
I also do believe that a woman CAN have it all - unless, I don't know...maybe a suuuuuper demanding career doesn't leave you the energy to do it???
Happiness is a personal matter. Whoever thinks they know better what's best for you than you, well... it's none of their business [and they're idiots OR stuck into what society dictates...] Come on people, wake up, it's not the 60s anymore............
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Thank you!
Another thing that's fairly disappointing in the whole thing is that most of the adversity I've received comes from other women. I think they come from a good place. Motherhood has enriched their lives, and they want the same for me. But I just don't think it would enrich mine. And it's my choice.
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but nooooo.......you have to do it....what's wrong with you....what will people say....aren't you getting old...?? What are you waiting for... so you don't want your family to continue...?? I've heard ALL that, thankfully NOT from my mom and grandma ....
As the creepy puppet says in SAW 'The choice is yours' - and yes damn it, IT IS! :D <3
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I love this article. I wasn't going to have kids, and changed my mind, but I hated people telling me that "you have to have kids!" Bullshit. There is no one experience that makes us women, and there are infinite paths in life. We need people who don't have kids, to help those who do and, yes, to keep our already overpopulated planet from drowning in humans. If someone wants children, fine. If someone doesn't, also fine. We shouldn't have to explain our decisions to others, only have them be respected. Also, I LOVE how involved you are with children. Thank you for being you! ((hugs))
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Thanks for sharing! I believe there is a HUGE misconception(no pun intended) about women and childbirth that has dominated the way the world sees them since the beginning of history. Obviously, the ability to grow another human life inside of your body is quite astonishing and miraculous. However, we (especially men) have created a worldview that the ONLY thing women are capable of is reproducing, as if that is their sole purpose and duty. This greatly diminishes the true value and potential of a woman by relegating her to a single function, as glorious and rewarding and important as that is. I believe this has caused the world to MISS the spiritual value and potential of women as the spiritual partners (equal) to men. Not just to reproduce children in the natural sense, but to produce the fruit of spiritual dreams of both man and woman, that each one can reach their full potential. I believe having children is actually a sign that these spiritual dreams were NOT fulfilled in the relationship and therefore the child comes to fulfill that part of their destiny which was never nurtured or allowed to grow.
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This gets my full upvote, because this post speaks for me and my SO. We love our nieces and nephews, and each other's nieces and nephews. Not wanting kids is just that: not wanting kids.
Fortunately, no one in our lives has been trying to pressure us for years now. They've all given up. The SO wrote a blog post in Hebrew, years ago, that went a little viral, and we've done multiple TV interviews about it way back when - when it was more of an anomaly than it is now.
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Thanks @didic
Super cool about the blog and interviews! I do think its slowly becoming generally acceptable. Slowly. We redefine "family" every day as we evolve and diversify but yet somehow this one still has stigma. What gets my hot is the assumptions people make on why that decision is made.
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From my perspective, at least here, there's a lot less stigma than there used to be. Still way too much, of course. And, yeah, assumptions like those you talk about are crap.
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Yeah, definitely less than there used to be.
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Good on you for speaking out about this. I'm so happy for you that you made a decision for yourself based on your own desires and not the opinions or perceptions of what us woman are supposed to do. You sound like an amazing Aunty and trust me they are the best that any kid could ask for.
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Very interesting. I'm 30 and have been together with my partner for almost 10 years and we're very happy together. People can really assume that now would be the time for kids for us. And sometimes this feeling jumps on me, that if I don't make a move in the coming few years that then some kind of opportunity will be lost. When that happens, it's often some kind of fear of missing out and society's pressure of doing things a certain way that play their part. Most of the times, I am so happy and content in life. I don't feel kids would make a difference in bringing more fulfilment. I work with kids, and I love them and enjoy spending time around them. I just don't feel the urge to getting any of them for myself, because I've also seen the huge huge impact they have on a parent's life. It's really a choice we're free to make, and I also plan to follow my own path in the matter. It's nice to hear from others who've done the same, once in a while. Reminding us all that all opportunities are open :). Thanks for your beautiful and open writing!
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Thank you.
I'm 44 now so should I have some sudden change of heart I have age to consider. But when I was your age, I had the same thing. Some ticking clock but it wasn't MY clock. People reminding me that the years are going by and I'm running out of time. There's a preconceived life plan out there. Find a partner, fall in love, have baby. I think the definition of "family" is changing every day. We accept same sex marriages as family. There's still a TON of progress that needs to happen there, but what I'm saying is we're moving in that direction. Yet we still haven't evolved passed the fact that family = kids.
Just do you and when the time is right and you feel it's something you want, go for it. But do it just because it's "what people do".
Congratulations on 10 years together. That's amazing.
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Love this. It is good to know yourself and to really think about what you want. A lot of women end up on a path they didn’t want. That could be 40’s and childless when you really wanted a family or the opposite, a house full of children but no desire to be a mother. No one can tell you your own heart. Good for you for listening to yours.
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Thank you!
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You don't need to be a mother to love children. Society tries to put labels on everything that does not fit within the traditional patterns. I have friends who don't have kids and they are amazing persons, maybe more caring and loving than some mothers that I have met along the way.
I never liked this line: "my child is my greatest accomplishment or achievement". I imagined that mentality had to do with personal insecurities and fears. You don't need a child or a husband to feel complete. All you need to do is to love yourself and understand who you truly are.
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So perfectly said. I've known people to have children to try to save a marriage, or to fill some void. Not saying all parents do that, at all, but it's best to just be you and more importantly be OK with you.
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