Journal From a Submariner VIII

DATE 06SEP10, TIME 0035
I got off watch, and all I thought about for 6 hours, was the one email this week that I got from you. I know you’re going to think I’m crazy when you read this because, well just because I know you. But to me while I’m down here…this place that makes every man go crazy, I took it hard. Not only because I only got one, but because how much fun you were having with Andrew and Ryan.
Ski made a good point about it, if I was there, you would be having a good time with me; not with them, so you’re just trying to make the best of your time alone. I understand.
It kills me inside, to have to be down here, and not know what the fuck is going on with my life and marriage in the outside world. When you read this, think like this.
You’re locked up in jail for six months. No, even worse, in isolation in jail, that you volunteered for. No sun, minimal food. No idea what is happening to your friends, and family on the outside, but once a week you get one email from the one person you love. Then they are telling you how much fun they’re having with two guys who should be in that isolation with you. It’s not fun.
As you can see these next couple days are going to be rough. I will get over it, and move on. There will be happy entries again, this is just one of the many stages of life on a submarine. It’s a cycle; depressed, angry, selfish, feeling guilty for oneself, happy. Then it starts over.
With no idea when something is going to happen to put you into one of those states.
What else is going on? I take the E-5 exam in 3 days and turn 21 in 10. Exciting stuff. I get to spend my 21st birthday somewhere in the middle of the ocean, no sun, no air, no love, and no beer. At least I’m not dead.
I only see my life with you, and I know when I get back I will never take us for granted, although I never did. Now you won’t ever feel that way. I know when I get back all this will be behind us, even though you have no idea what it’s doing to me, but I don’t want you to because I want to make this as easy for you as possible. I’ll hold it in, and take one for us, bite my lip and move on.
Fuck, you are going to think I’m crazy when you read this. The thing that really got me about the email was seeing my name, and that you were having fun with that person, but it wasn’t me. I know it’s a fucked up way to think, but it’s a submariner’s way to think. Next week I will get an email that I won’t go so crazy over. Love you, forever and always, love babe.