Another letter to Amanda

Dear Amanda.
I always hope you are doing well where ever you are.
I'm forever grateful I got to spend some of my life and time with you.
I wish I had more time and life with you, though I am eternally grateful for the small amount of time we did have.
Each moment around you felt to me like a whole lifetime in a good way.

Yet... Here I am still here in this lifetime trying to make it through.
I can't deny it's been pretty rough... I'm doing my best to keep going though.
I was really depressed for a long time, and then started feeling a bit more positive around a year ago I think?
And then in recent months, I've sunk back into the sadness.

Now in just the past couple of days mostly after watching some videos on YouTube I feel like I'm doing somewhat better again.
And I mean, I'm pretty certain I'm always going to be devastated about what happened to you, yet I've been sad in other ways too.

One of the main reasons is the state of the world and all the unnecessary suffering and injustice, it just seems to get worse and worse and it feels hopeless sometimes.
I wish I could do more to help, though I've spent much of my life trying and at times at a detriment to myself and it feels like I haven't achieved very much.

Another reason is that I'd rather not spend my whole life alone, and I did try to meet women a while after you left...
But it didn't work out and I still try, yet sometimes I wonder why... Should I even try? I ask that somewhat often.
The other women I tried to get close to hurt me a lot and did not make me feel very loved or cared about.
Plus... I have a lot of issues that I'm struggling with...

I don't even necessarily blame any of those women either cause I'm such a loser...
I just wish they would have been more honest and straight forward about it and told me why first instead of me finding them with other guys each time.
At 36 years old and still pretty much being a virgin and essentially rejected by every woman I really liked or loved except for you... It's like.. Why do I still try?

I can't really expect anyone to ever love me how I would like, so I'm developing a deeper love for myself.
I think I've always loved myself a lot in a lot of ways, though these days I think maybe I love myself more than I ever have before which is a good feeling.

Now it doesn't bother me as much that I'm alone, cause I'm still here for myself and I love me, even if no one else does.
And don't get me wrong, I do have friends and family who love me and I deeply appreciate that... Though, I meant in like a romantic relationship sense.

I know I promised I'd never 100% give up and become completely jaded, yet sometimes I just feel like it's never going to happen and I should just accept it.
Except... I feel like you were different and you would have told me the truth and that you might have even given me a real chance.
And... Who knows, maybe there's someone else out there like who is kind of like you that I may someday meet and connect well with?

One of the main reasons I keep trying is that I feel like you would have wanted me to keep trying, which is very important to me... I still want to do it for you.
Which, brings me to the next point about the YouTube videos I've been watching... There's a show called "Special Books by Special Kids".

At first I was a bit skeptical of the show and felt like the host wasn't genuine and just doing it for money, attention and fame or whatever... His energy felt weird.
But, after watching quite a few episodes including one about him explaining how he got into doing the show, it started to really grow on me and I think he is legit.

The show is about a guy who basically talks to people of all ages about the disabilities or conditions they live with and he tries to show that everyone deserves love.
I had watched similar kinds of shows before about people with serious disabilities and they helped me a lot to put my own life in perspective, though this one has been even more powerful.

The individuals interviewed often have such serious issues, yet many if not most of them seem really happy and it seems like they love their lives a bunch... Maybe even more than many if not most "normal" people.
I put normal in quotes because I don't really know what normal is and I think everyone likely has something they are dealing with, though some kinds of people are certainly more common than others.

It reminds me about a study I heard about recently and I don't remember the exact specifics and didn't read it myself and only heard about it...
But... I think it said something like people in wheelchairs are often happier than people who are not.

Then I stumbled on another video the other day of a guy who all of a sudden became seriously ill and had to have his legs and one arm amputated and was on the brink of death.
His mouth was all messed up too and he had to get surgery and it just looked so painful and difficult... Yet he said those years were the best years in his life.

Then I saw an episode where there is a guy who was born with a disease which makes his muscles weak and he is wheelchair-bound and has other issues and... He still managed to meet a beautiful woman and form a romantic relationship.

She became his caretaker and literally has to brush his teeth, carry him to his wheelchair and even hold him up while he poops and lay him down when he pees...
Wow... That's amazing to me and seems like "true love"...

Apparently they are physically sexual as well and from what I gather are planning to stay together and have a kid or kids someday.
I know I have some issues in my life, but... I can still walk and use the bathroom and brush my teeth without help.
So, I feel like I should keep looking, maybe I'll find someone like that who could understand and who would really care about me even though I have some issues.
There's also another famous guy with no arms and legs who is a motivational speaker and he met a beautiful woman and had a kid as well, maybe I can meet someone too?

I feel much more at peace after watching a bunch of these videos and seeing how so many who were born with or acquired such serious issues are still happy and living fulfilling lives
And, I think I finally realized that I'm sort of similar, I avoided it my whole life and tried to run and hide from it and sort of pretend I was "normal"... But, after getting deep into researching my OCD and looking at my life and trying to heal, I realize I have some challenging mental issues... As hard as it is for me to say, I'm kind of mentally ill.

It was really difficult for me to finally admit it... But it makes so much sense now. I'm weird and something is wrong with me.
I've always been kinda different and it also can explain why many treated me so poorly, cause people often tend to fear what is different or unfamiliar.
I think I'm starting to sort of accept things as they are and accept who I am even if it's far from how I'd like to be, it's my life, and I love me.

I even had a couple of really beautiful women respond to me recently on the dating sites and they seemed sort of positive or excited to talk to me.
So, I'm once again reminded that there are really beautiful women out there who see something they like in my dating profile.
But... Would they still like me if they really got to know me? If they knew how poor I am and saw my OCD?

I feel like you would have accepted me for who I am... I remember on our walk you told me I shouldn't be ashamed cause I didn't have a car.
And you also told me that if someone wouldn't accept me because of that, then why should I want to be with them anyway? That memory always makes me emotional...

Your heart is so amazing.
So, many of these women and people in general, seem to mostly only care about themselves, money, status and material objects. You're such a rare and beautiful person. It kills me you're not here anymore.

Even if it seems impossible at times... I just keep living from day to day, hoping something will change.
Also, not just hoping, but working on my issues and trying to improve myself and my situation.

And... I have been making some noticeable progress with my OCD which is amazingly positive and encouraging.
Plus I've been making some money too, but not anywhere near enough yet...
It's basically like slave labor money I'm making, I need to find something better as soon as possible.

I never used to believe in "mantras" before or NLP in the sense of saying certain things over and over to yourself, but... I recently tried it.
In a book on anxiety I was reading the guy suggested trying to say "I love myself" whenever you get a moment throughout the day.
It was difficult at first, though I feel like it has helped a lot actually! It's much healthier than saying "I wish I was dead" so much.

And now I'm adding more things like... "I am good enough, I am worthy", which I think is much better than saying.. "I'm not good enough" and "I'm not worthy".
Even if I do still say the negative stuff sometimes, now I am balancing it out with positive at least and I think that balance is very helpful! I really dunno how much saying stuff to yourself like that helps, but I was definitely too negative for a long time and trying the opposite has been good for me.

Between saying those kinds of positive things to myself, and developing a deeper love for myself and others and being more peaceful in my language and making some money and improving my OCD and talking to some beautiful women this year... And after watching those videos and hearing stories of amazing love and relationships with people who have such incredible challenges... I think I'm actually starting to feel like it might still really happen for me someday... In fact, sometimes I even feel like.. I am worthy, and that I am good enough and that I actually deserve it as well.

If it doesn't happen and I never fall in love again, oh well. I tried, and I love myself more now.
If it does happen, that's great and it could be an inspiring story to help others who struggle in similar ways as well!

If so many people who are in wheelchairs or who have other serious disabilities and diseases can be so happy, even if some of them never experience romantic love... Then why can't I? I already did experience some, not as much as I'd like.. But I had some really pleasant experiences.

One thing I learned about the videos and shows I've been watching on people with disabilities or diseases... There's some really powerful energy there...
Speaking out against injustice and trying to help stop war and animal abuse and destruction of the environment are still very important things to me!
However, something about those videos has impacted me deeply and I want to try to put some of my life energy in that direction as well.

I want to somehow help those who have been born with a serious issue or who got injured at some point or developed something difficult.
I don't know how I will try to do this yet, but I have some ideas.

I hope you know this already but, I wanted to say that you inspired me so incredibly much as well, similar to the people in those videos I watched... You're always so kind, happy and full of love and you had every right to be upset at the hand you were given... The vibe I felt around you and when I talked to you was "angelic"... It was hard for me to believe that someone so beautiful and kind-hearted could even exist.
You are so special to me and I will never ever forget you. <3

Whatever happens, I see life moving by so much faster now and I'm sure it won't be too long before I can get to join you in the next place.
I look forward to seeing you again, things haven't been the same since you went.
I love you and... Bye until next time. <3