A couple of disturbing dreams and a revelation.

I had a really intense and disturbing couple of dreams last night that I'd rather not get into the specific details of but, the first dream really made me sort of regret how mean I can be sometimes when other people are mean first.

Photo by Janko Ferlič on Unsplash

To be clear I don't go out of my way to try to make anyone feel bad, I'm not a bully in my mind and I don't mess with people for no reason or superficial shallow unwarranted irrational reasons.

Sometimes though if they mess with me or others in a way that I feel is unjust I try to redirect that energy back at them to show them how it feels and it’s not malicious in my opinion, it’s loving to try to help show them the kind of energy they are putting out in an attempt they learn from it and stop doing that to myself others.

For most of my life I thought that was a good thing I learned that in martial arts as a self defense mechanism and a way to redirect people's energy back at them who are attacking you or other people and at least in that physical aggression sense it still makes sense to me, however when it comes to words I’m not sure anymore if it does and I feel like maybe I would be better served if I ignore the unpleasant words and keep calm and focus on the point I’m trying to get across rather than feeding into the same energy that I dislike in the first place.

So In light of that I'd like to apologize to anyone who I've been an ass to in the past, seemed like the right thing to do at the time to defend myself or others, yet the more I look at it seems a bit counterproductive especially the more I've been learning about peaceful communication in the last number of months approaching a year now.

Also after I woke up from the dream I really kind of just laid in bed for a while trying to understand what happened and what it might have meant and I feel like I could trace it back to when I was younger and dealing with a lot of stress and that it was connected to my ego and my image of self which has carried through to this time and now that I'm trying to be less egotistical and more peaceful it just seems like the path that I want to take is one that's less conflicting and abrasive and that it would be helpful not just myself but everyone that I interact with if I learn to control these emotions better and to sort of try to separate myself from that pain I experienced when I was younger and try to work through it and understand it in the more healthy way.

Anyways.. I think that's it for now, to anyone who may have happened to read this, I hope you have a good day. :-)

PS I'm not sure how well I'll be able to do this since those behaviors are deeply ingrained into me that I've learned in the past, but I think it's good to try and I guess we'll see how I do!