I’m sorry

Few moments can crush like a departure. The world is complex, we are born into and form, a myriad of connections. Family. Childhood friends. School buds. Significant others. Work associates. It’s a universe in itself that expands and repeats around a sun of life.

But what happens when it doesn’t repeat? What happens if it just becomes smaller? There’s always flux. People move. People change. Gravity will undoubtedly pull some away.

It happens though. Sometimes the distant planet gets so far away, light has trouble reaching. Connections break. The distance to the closest planet becomes to long for travel. Falling out of orbit changes it. It becomes lonesome and dark.

So what’s it all about then?

That crazy person I saw on the street today after work? Walking and talking to themselves. Smacking their own head in a manner surely to illicit uncomfortable feelings to anyone in proximity. Who was that person? What led them? Was it by choice or fate or the mixture of both? Does it matter? All questions I ask when I see it.

More so I ask is this me. Am I going to end up as that? Will my path lead me that place? Disheveled, unemployed, homeless, hungry, addicted, unable to reconcile the orbits. A terrible place worn on the face of pain.

Sometimes so many things overload a person. We all have a finite ability to deal with the giant fresh and steeming pile of shit life will crap on you. Some people are good at just wiping it off. Some people don’t even stink. It’s always there though, in good times and bad times, cheeks pulled wide to drop load on you. Forget rain clouds. Life stopped putting raincouds on people a long time ago, it just shits now.

But I deserve plenty of that shit though. Even at my best efforts to build, I’m dreadfully awful. Most of the times it’s just a series of ramshackle boards hastily nailed together in hopes my daily dose of dookie is contained. But even then it stinks.

I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry it stinks. I don’t blame anyone for moving in another direction, probably upwind. It really is ok. Please never feel like you have to fix this mess. I understand, I pretty much need a warning label tattooed ‘this pile of shit is deep, enter at own risk’. Does it hurt when someone, anyone flees? Every time. Would I think less of someone for leaving? No, not at all. But I will miss them. It’s nice sometimes to have those little moments when your not thinking about the shit pile slowly building in the background. When you can look forward to something, a little something. A little bit of orbit around someone.

But the orbit disintegrated. Just the darkness of space and a couple moons. If I could only be half as good at anything as I am at changing the gravitational pull of whole planets.

I wish I could just change. Or is that lie to tell my self. I’m so use spiraling it’s all I know now. Or maybe that’s the lie. Or maybe, another bigger planet will pull me back from the black hole. Or maybe two smaller planets can spin each other back away from the void. Maybe those are lies I tell myself to. I don’t know anymore except that, if I look back in time I see other planets I used to.

Back when there were other places in the galaxy. They are few, but I know they were real. Real gravity, real pull. Not this void pulling me across the edge. Before the drugs, the violence and hate towards self. The empty nights and scars and flesh wound. A galaxy in chaos where everyone is fucking hurting and it’s terrible news every fucking day and floods and crime and fucking agony and sorrow and corruption and disease and shit it’s piling up and arguing about everything and it’s just...........................

Me alone. Contemplating the escape. Will this be day? It’s such a mess now. I can hardly manage the basic function. Swallowing back the vomit as my own stench becomes unbearable. The shame of letting the stench of my own shit pile drive a nice and well meaning person off is heartbreaking. I hurt for you friend. That you would be in such a position to have to do what’s best and leave. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry I’m so far out of orbit. I wish you all the sunlight in whatever galaxy you find.

-M