Random Thoughts

The air feels crisp and cool as I walk on the soft green grass beside the gravel street. October always gives me this assurance that everything is going to be okay and unlike summertime, it gives me a sense of purpose. I don't know how to explain it but it always makes me feel like the life before me should be on some movie, or belong to someone else other than me. Maybe that's just the way I've always felt about life in general. But this October is different. Because this time, I feel as though I finally see things for what they are. As I walk beside someone I never thought I would be able to call friend, I see that there's something that's been so obvious this entire time but it's the one thing I've been missing. I glance at the passing car beside us as my phone lights up with the yellow light I had been waiting for. The issue is, I don't think he will ever see me the way I've always seen him. Those daring grey eyes look quizzically up at me as I gaze at the contact photo of the man I could never truly have. He's so passionate about everything he does but he still can brush me off like I wasn't anything important.  I don't think he'll ever understand that no matter who I'm with or how I feel about anyone else, I will always be partial towards my obsession-no- my feelings, for him. He speaks of never being able to find the one for him and never being able to see himself in a relationship. I guess that's something I have to respect and I've never been the one to be connected to someone like this. Yet somehow, he's the only one I find myself drunk dialing. He's the only one i find myself thinking about when sleep refuses to share my bed and when that fickle partner does decide to lay his head on my heart, he is the only one that plagues my dreams. I sigh and run my hand along the ferns on the side of the road. The music Jazmine plays droning out of my thoughts as I glance once again at my phone. I don't know what it is about him that gets my heart racing. Maybe it's the way he challenges me, the fact he is something continuously out of my reach, or maybe it's the way he can stir up these feelings with one word, 0ne look, and I'm terrified of what he could do with one touch. Yet it's the kind of terror that brings me to my knees and makes me beg for more because when it comes to him, there's nothing I wouldn't do. I would change the world or destroy it if he asked me to. And that's dumb, and pathetic. I've never been the one to say such things about men that I never thought I needed, but i need him. He is my equal and my opposite all at the same time and it's ridiculous how much I love him. But for now, I will settle for what he can give me. Even if it's only scratching the surface of what I know i want. The wind stings my cheeks as a tear escapes my eye. I know I will have to live as if he isn't an option because there's no guarantee that I could ever, in a million years, be enough for him. Therein lies the truth of myself too because I know I can never love anyone like I do him. But that's something I have to live with.