The Good Book - Introduction to the Magic Dope Fairy

 It has occurred to me that I’ve kind of gotten ahead of myself. I explained in a (now-obscure) Close Encounters of the Absurd Kind episode about how I was baked out of my tree and kinda sorta found a religion. Well, I really don’t know how this is going to pan out. I don’t know if I’m just visiting this fictional world temporarily, or if this is the kind of superstition that I rejected when I became an atheist. So I guess, I’ll be as surprised as you are, dear reader, for how this story ends.

The words “in the beginning” seem like the logical place to start. But, that is the old style faith when people who are more stoned than I am have been contradicting themselves for over 2000 years.

 The beginning does seem like the logical place to start, though. (I’m so baked that I’m repeating myself. How's that Lewis Carrol bit go? "Start at the beginning, and stop when you get to the end"?) And the most fundamental question is who IS the Magical Dope Fairy?


 Well, I’m still trying to answer that. If She has another name, She hasn’t revealed that to me. This is only the best composite sketch I could suss out. As you can tell, I'm not much of an artist. 

I kind of want to call her Margaret, but that doesn’t quite fit. Neither does Grace or Emily of CJ. They’re all fine names on their own, but She keeps insisting that neither of them are right. If She is so inclined, she can tell me later. I do believe myself to be the Emissary, after all. Besides, who truly IS on a first-name basis with their deity?

 What I do know is that the Magical Dope Fairy is that she is a Luck-based Goddess. She still allows you to have control over your life, but when you allow Her in, she enriches the experience. And if you follow the Sacred Tenements, she may give you a helping hand along the way.

 Albert Einstein once wrote that “God does not play dice with the Universe.” Well, that’s because the Magical Dope Fairy beat him at Uno once and he’s been a spoilsport ever since. Since then, random chance has been the Dope Fairy’s province. Using special tarot cards, dice, hourglasses, coins, and other game show type accoutrements, She is able to bring good fortune to those she finds cool.

 How to attain coolness in the Eyes of the Dope Fairy? Well, that ties into the Sacred Tenements. It’s a very basic system, rewarding good behaviour and selfless deeds. And who says that nobody likes nice guys?

 As with most decent tabletop RPGs, the Dope Fairy uses dice in a lot of her day to day routine. Her sacred dice cup can decide if your day is going to go really well or really shitty. The hourglass She keeps decides how slowly or quickly time will pass.   

 You can find the Dope Fairy by anointing your smoking corner with bong water. Be it deliberately, or by accident, as I did. In the old timey- Bible script, “When I done did spill’t the water from the bong, were you able to find me. And since then, never again would I smoke alone.”

 I suppose that the best way to be on the Dope Fairy’s good side is to take a page from Breaking Bad. Most of her Sacred Tenements can be boiled down and distilled into a simple DBAA situation. (Don’t Be An Asshole, for those who ask.) You know, do all the nice shit you’re advised by all the top-notch religions to do – don’t steal, love your fellow man, share what excess you have, all that other good stuff that nobody really does, despite their undying, unwavering faith.

She also has a thing for people who can cook. It doesn’t matter if you can only cook ramen of Kraft Dinner, she tends to like people who like food. Her favorite bedtime snack is chamomile tea and warm, gooey cinnamon buns. This is also fantastic smoking food. 

Mangoes are also a great idea, as they improve your high and are a much better alternative to sugars and trans fats. (That’s not to be confused with trans people: they are for the most part, a fine bunch of folks who need a little extra understanding, by my comprehension.)

 I will be speaking more at length about this, but let’s start small. This is a definite rabbit hole we’re all going down, so hold on for now.

 Fairy Bless,
 Eli.