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I did it!

I've just sent my application. I will most likely go back to school again. I am soon to be 32 years old (21st September), with a past as a full time freelancer for the past 7 years. I've worked as a salesperson, construction worker and I've worked in multiple grocery stores. I've even worked as a graffiti rehabilitator and I've worked with demolition. - That being said, I have worked with many things in my life.

Oh, and I also finished a construction education in 2015. All these things have given me at least one thing in life so far. - These things have given me tons of experience.

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Let's Go Back In Time.

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For those of you who already follow me and have read my posts on Steemit might already know this, but I'll share these things one more time, as it's important for the explanation for my decision.

My father passed away dramatically in late 2012. Shortly after, I started my construction education so I set all my emotions on hold. just like you push the "pause" button on a remote control. - I locked away all the feelings and I didn't allow myself to mourn.

I started my education, I was a good student and I enjoyed it. At the end of the education, just before the exam, I suddenly suffered from a panic attack. - The first panic attack ever in my life.

You can read more about this in one of my previous posts:
The Dangers Of Sleep Deprivation - Are You Getting Enough Sleep?

Since that day, I suffer from panic attacks, anxiety and depression. I was afraid of going out in public. I couldn't go to the store and so on. - My entire life took a huge blow.

This is also one of the reasons that I usually don't share too much from my personal life. These things are extremely difficult to handle and these things are insanely frightening. That being said, things have become a little bit better but I still suffer from all of these things on a more or less daily basis. In one way or another.

However, this isn't the only thing that happened. Ever since that day, I am also afraid of dying. - I don't want to sleep because when I sleep, I have no control and I need to feel that I am in control. If I just let go of the control and fall asleep, I might die... And I want to live!

I know that these things might sound crazy to some, and it's extremely hard to explain it properly. I mean, I can barely explain this in Swedish so to do it in my second language is obviously even harder.

• Hopefully, you'll understand some of it.

And even though I've suffered from these things since that horrible day, I've also become interested in finding out how to proceed. How to detect the symptoms and how to handle them. How to live my life with these things I suffer from.

To tell you the truth. I am a mess. Emotionally. - I'm broken as a person.
I have been living like this for about 4 years now and I struggle every single day. In one way or another. However, things have become a bit easier along the way... But it's still a rough, hard path to walk on.

I can describe it as to climb Mount Everest without supplemental oxygen. - It feels impossible at times. Yet, I'm doing everything I can to learn and to live my life as good as I can.

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Fast Forward To Today.

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Since that day, like I said above, I've also become interested in finding out how to proceed. How to detect the symptoms and how to handle them. How to live my life with these things I suffer from.

• And that's also one of the reasons for me to send the application!

• Vård och Omsorg. (Health and Social care. With a focus on psychiatry.)

I believe that this will not only help myself to get a degree. I also believe this will help me to live my life as good as I can. I believe I will learn how to handle things in a better way. This is after all, an education that will give me what I need to work with people who suffers from mental illness, just to name one of the things.

I want to help others. However, it's often hard or even impossible to help others if you're struggling yourself. So I can't really help people today, as I suffer from things myself. And I don't have the proper knowledge yet. With this education, I will not only learn how to help and treat others. I will also get knowledge and learn how to live my own life... - So this will be a mission to self-heal. A mission to improve myself. A mission to help others to heal, love and live their lives to the fullest.

• I want to heal the world. And this will be the first step.

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