My Ups & Downs On My Path To Success. [Part 1]

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The Story Of My Life.

Ups and downs, setbacks and success. These are vital ingredients and parts of everyone's lives. I have made many mistakes in life and I will do mistakes in the future as well... But I'm human. It's part of life. It's a part of my life.

Truth to be told, mistakes, failures and success is what defines me as a person. I was too young to understand it a few years ago... But I'm older now. Older and wiser. To compare myself with others was a huge mistake I did on a regular basis until I realized how bad it was for me. It took me well-more than two decades to finally realize how bad it was.

I compared anything and everything. I compared myself with others since I were a little kid. My grades in school, the size of my feet and the money I earned. Everything I could compare, I compared. I had a wonderful childhood with two loving parents, and I never felt alone. I had tons of friends and I were never bullied. My behaviour wasn't due to some horrible experience during my childhood or anything like that. I don't know why I did this, because I never had any reasons for it, I guess it was just who I was.

Fast-forward several years until the horrible day in December 2012. My father passed away in front of me, at home. I've never felt so useless in my entire life. I did everything I could think of. CPR, screams and crying... Hugging. I was angry, sad, desperate and terrified at the same time. Nothing helped.

I stood there beside one of my biggest supporters and role models in life (my mother is the other person), and I could do nothing. My father had been sick for several years. Multiple heart attacks and a cerebral hemorrhage, but he continued to push himself no matter what. He continued to work and he still did grocery shopping. He was the strongest person I've ever known... But even though I knew his medical history, I wasn't prepared. There are so many things I wish I would've said to him, there are so many things I wish I would've bought and experienced with him... But it's too late.

If there is one thing I regret more than anything in life, it is to tell him how much he meant to me. I know that he knew that I loved him, but I wish I would've said it more often... I wish I would've showed him eleven times per day.

The last thing I said to my father, when I hugged him goodbye before they took him to the morgue, was that he didn't have to worry about mom, because I'd be there for her. It's almost 6 years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday... My whole world collapsed.

I made one final promise to my father, and I have done everything I can to fulfill my promise ever since. And I will continue to fulfill it. Due to this promise, there was no room for my own feelings or emotions after this. I had to be strong for my mother's sake. I pushed myself for a long period of time, until I hit a brick wall.

All the feelings and thoughts I had locked away suddenly swept over me. I wish I would've done things differently, because that might've made things easier for me... But I did what I did, and the outcome is depression, panic attacks and anxiety which I struggle with more or less daily ever since. And I started to compare myself with others again...

I started to hate myself. I looked down on myself and I felt disgusted whenever I thought about myself or things I had done or wanted to do. One of the biggest problems I had, were the feelings of guilt. I couldn't save my father...

I still to this day, often feel guilt when things are going out of control. If my anxiety suddenly reaches sky high levels or if I suffer a panic attack. It seems impossible to remove that part.

I have talked to different psychologists and I've had prescriptions for a bunch of different pills, but none of that helps me with these feelings. I have stumbled and fall many times in my life, but I've never been beaten up this much. These are not some minor bruises... These are open wounds that doesn't seem to heal.

Note: I just googled "open wounds that won't heal" to include a proper image... And I wish I wouldn't have done that.

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Despite The Fear And Haunting Memories

The fear of never be good enough, or to do enough is haunting me. My inner demons are chasing me everywhere I go. Despite these things, I will never give up. I'm too afraid to give up... And honestly speaking, I can't stand the thought of giving up, as I I wouldn't be able to keep my promise if I did.

We fast-forward once again...

I was looking for a way out of my misery and during this time, I became interested in mental illness. Shortly after, I realized that I want to work with people who suffers from mental illness. I want to be of help for others. I never felt that anyone could relate to the things I felt and I never felt that I had any help or real support. I've lost several friends due to my mental illness, because they're either too ignorant or lack the understanding.

Sure, perhaps I shouldn't blame my friends because I might have been asking for too much... But I would never have given up on any of my friends like that... I felt abandoned and alone and if I can help one single person to live their life to the fullest, I'll be satisfied. And that's what I'm striving for. I knew that from the moment I started to long after an education and this wasn't just to help others... I saw (and still see) the education as a form of self-healing.

I started to study in March this year and school is going great.

I worked as a full time freelancer prior to this education so the transition has been extremely difficult in many ways. As I've worked with literally all types of people due to my freelancing career, I'm also used to adapt and take orders, but I've been my own boss. In School, I have teachers who're telling me what to do, which is a completely different thing. Another major obstacle I'm trying to overcome is the financial aspect. From full time freelancer to full time student. From a salary that I've been able to affect to have a fixed amount of money each month due to a student loan. That's crazy difficult to handle. Especially as the student loan barely covers my living expenses.

However, it wasn't easy to start this education...

But I'll keep that for part 2. If you're interested?