What kind of situation will it be when I finished my time in this life? Are there going to be people who will mourn for me? Or will there be people who are happy that I’m finally gone?
One of my most painful moments was the loss of my grandparents 2 years in a row. I saw what happened to my family when they were gone. I saw how they were trying hard to put on the “I have to be strong” face after the incident. And I wonder, if my grandparents are seeing them too?
Few years back, a friend of mine told me that the death of her grandmother makes her cry from time to time. At that time, I didn’t understand why because I lost my grandfather when I was 7 but it was fine for me. But I finally have the same feeling when I lost my other grandfather, Aki(means “grandfather” in Iban language). It was a day full of regrets. I regretted not being able to hold his hand when he was in pain. The very next year, I lost my Inik (grandmother), his wife. During Aki’s funeral, my Inik told me that it was a loss for him to not be able to see me grow to the woman I will become while holding my hands tight and preventing her tears from falling. So when I lost her, I wanted to say the same thing too. Why did she left me just like how he did? Why? Till this day, I still cry when I think of them but mum always said “Pray, because they will listen”. So I talk to them every night in my prayer as a way to heal my wounded heart.
See. This shows how much impact they’ve given us. How much they loved others to be loved even when they’re no longer here with us. They left a deep scar in me because of how much they loved me all my life. And I call it a scar because I can never experience the same kind of love again. But this scar always reminds me to be strong in whatever tough situations and made me who I am today. I wonder, will I ever be able to give the same impact to people just like them? Am I going to leave scars to the people around me? Am I going to be the reason for them to stay strong in this harsh world?