I like it! Looking forward to reading where this is going.
If you don't mind me suggesting, I would propose a few edits. All very minor grammar/punctuation fixes:
"Give me your phone Charlie,"
- "Give me your phone, Charlie,"
They were not the best phones, actually,
- They were not the best phones. Actually,
"I've got a place." he said.
- "I've got a place," he said.
"I can give you the money if you want.. to go, I mean.
- "I can give you the money if you want... to go, I mean.
I can meet you there, or Mars maybe.
- I can meet you there, or on Mars, maybe. (two edits here)
"Let's go then."
- "Let's go, then."
"Like a do over?" Charle smiled and showed his crooked uneven teeth.
- "Like a do-over?" Charle smiled and showed his crooked, uneven teeth. (two edits here)
"Yeah, a do over... sorta."
- "Yeah, a do-over... sorta."
Bringing down the system.. the corporation."
- Bringing down the system... the corporation."
He turned the small black piece of plastic in his fingers.
- He turned the small, black piece of plastic over in his fingers. (two edits here... adding
overis your prerogative, but I think it helps)
"Here take it," he said
- "Here, take it," he said
leave her...not yet
- leave her... not yet
References
- http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/
- http://theeditorsblog.net/2012/06/29/even-more-punctuation-in-dialogue-a-readers-question/
- http://www.answers.com/Q/Do_you_hyphenate_do_over
Yeah, I had a few minutes to spare. Just call me your editor... or feel free to tell me to shut up if these are just early drafts and you'd rather I not nitpick.
Cheers!
I used Grammarly. And a grammar style book. I took out over on purpose. It seemed superfluous. But thanks. Works in progress.
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Yeah, automated grammar checkers catch a lot of things but they aren't perfect. I'm a syntax Nazi. On a related note... have you noticed the decline in literacy in newspapers lately? I catch so many basic mistakes these days even in so-called "prestigious" publications. And then you have The New York Times laying off a bunch of editors... they need more, not less!
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I have noticed that. It's awful. I'm not perfect but I'm also not publishing to major publications around the world. For me, it's a matter of practice. Thank you sir.
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Keep up the good work, sir. Sci-fi has always been interesting for me. Always thought it would be neat to write something but the years keep going by without it happening. Last I wrote was in elementary school, my "Planet X" short stories, which have long since disappeared. I always struggled with dialogue.
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I missed another one... misspelling of Charlie in
Charle smiled and showed...Downvoting a post can decrease pending rewards and make it less visible. Common reasons:
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