Choices, the guilt that eats and the anger that lashes out

Choice. That feeling of an endless pit in your stomach when you need to make hard decisions. I don't always get that feeling, but when it concerns others, when my choices directly affect somebody else, I worry. I do not believe in wrong decisions, but each decision we make affects us and those around us on a certain level.

If I made a decision that affected somebody else, they could potentially blame me, be angry or cease all contact all-together if in their mind I had made a bad choice. My mom once told me something that always stayed my mind : We are only ever angry at ourselves, we like to divert that anger on others, but the only person we are angry at is us. Not a lot of people understand that.

We go around blaming others for the choices we make, we blame somebody when they steal from us, we blame somebody when they lie to us and hurt us, but in the end it is us that let those kind of people in our lives and it is only us who trusted in the wrong people. Yes, somebody stole from me, but obviously, I didn't have the best security. Yes, somebody hurt me, but I trusted this person, which probably was uncalled for. We don't trust that inner voice that tells us that something is not right, and we get angry because of our mistrust in ourselves.

When I was little, my mom told me where her secret money stash was, it was not much, but I did not know the value of money back then and I had never had my trust betrayed. I told a friend. I hadn't known her for long, but we were from the same neighborhood, she seemed nice. A couple of days after I told her, this girl invited me for a shopping trip in the city. Now this was the time when you could buy the whole world with little money.

I was so amazed, that this friend wanted to spend her money on me. We went to a art and school supply shop and she bought me pencils and notebooks, I really loved those, and I was ecstatic. In the end I was told to not say anybody that my friend had money, but I did not think anything about it. A couple of more days passed, and my mom was angry, some of her money was gone and she asked me if I took it. I did not get it at first, but my tiny brain got to moving its wheels.

I did not take the money and nobody else had visited in the last days. It took me a while to put two and two together, but when I did, I told my mom. Hey, family first, right? Plus, I was raised with principles that stealing is bad and my mom was angry, so... We went to this girls house, she was living with her grandma, and I guess there was not a lot of money going around. When my mom explained the situation and the girl was asked for about it, she said, that her brother had found the money next to a river. She never admitted to taking the money, but her grandma gave it back and I felt so bad for the lady.

There has always been a part of me that did not want to believe that my friend, who I never saw again, had taken the money. I always believed in better humans. I kind of understand some of her reasons, they were by societies standards poor, but my mom had worked hard for that money and we were not rich either. That day I learned a lesson, a lesson to not give out my trust so easily.

But what I really want to talk about is my moms choice to tell me where the money was. Children are smart, but they are also naive, I was naive and I did not know what stealing and lying was. I got to learn about those things from that incident. My mom was angry when the money got stolen, but I think, if she had a better judgment in telling me or if she really explained me how important it was to keep it a secret, the whole situation could have been avoided.

She made her choices and choices led to consequences, so did mine. It is so hard to make the choice of what is better for others, of what I should do. My biggest weakness, and strength at the same time, is others. I would never want to hurt another being, that has given me good times and wonderful memories. That is my one fear in the world, and it may be selfish in a way.

If I hurt somebody I care about, there will be guilt, and guilt eats you from inside, I think I am afraid from that the most. I would feel so guilty if I hurt somebody, if I hurt somebody who does not deserve it. So I am sitting here, contemplating the choice I realize I will have to make one day. I will hurt somebody no matter what I choose, but I will have to live with it. I am human and all the emotions I have, make me who I am.

Choice. The one thing that determines how our lives go, every choice we make is important, so make the ones that matter, live the best life you can imagine and remember, there are always going to be those hard ones, but you can do it, you are strong!

Have the best day, week and life,
Linda