Maybe if I burry things deeper and deeper in my mind I won't remember them again
I won't wake up in the middle of the night
Because I would've buried them so well it'll be like they already happened and I can't go back and there's nothing left to do or say
Nowadays I let people tell me to calm down and not think too much
I listen to them and stop for a minute
There are times when you're too into your anxiety episode
that you can't seem to step back and ask yourself what is actually going on with you
Those are the times when it just takes over
It's been a while since I've let it take over
I can bounce up and down as a human
Only wanting to be a tree changing with the expected seasons
It's just in desperate times when I need to remain still instead of numbing myself
Cause that feels like dying while still breathing
Or more like waking up from a nightmare
In the middle of the subway
At two in the morning
On my way to buy food
While working
At my last bites of lunch
Every time I have a sweet
When I check social media for more than three minutes
As soon as I open my eyes
Or every time I try to close them for good
It strikes me like I'm waking up from a horror dream
I've been numb
and I have so much to do
So much to try
I have so much time still
Like a snap to my spine
I wake
I see the world around me and I go back to sleep
Like a kid waking up from a bad dream and trying to put themselves back to bed
Because they want to try to be big enough
Waking doesn't hurt now
But eating still does
I now walk to bury
And I've always eaten for the same reason
Most days now I walk and eat until I get dizzy and want to regurgitate
To feel like I tried hard enough at something
Cause no matter how hard and positively I try at everything else
I fall short
It took me days to write something that was honest
It feels like finally getting fresh air in between periods of holding my own head under water
I do hurt myself that much
I believe I won't reach poetry again if I don't let it all out
Until it comes a day
When I can beautifully and painfully describe metaphors as naturally as I used to
I will come back to me
As long as I keep letting it out
Other things I can keep burying comfortably for now