Saturday Sun

Being urged to share this. Letter to a friend.

So I just tried to call you.
The cell phone number I have for you is wrong.

The way your phone clicks over tells me a lot you know. 'They' keep monitoring my calls and then putting this phony static on the line also. Cancel cancel. I'm ... "changing things." About control over me.

Anyway, I was having a meltdown. Just in tears. Really needed somebody to talk to. I was thinking of those times after my breakdown when things were so bad and I just needed a human voice to connect to. At that time it was you and my mom. I remember just needing to stay on the phone even saying nothing just to feel connected.

So I need to flush out this crap. Its really bad stuff.
I flushed early yesterday, keeping up on normal water consumption and I thought it was fine. Cards say its going slow. I can 'see' it in there, in my brain. I just chugged about four big glasses of water and I'm having shock. Nasty. I asked about it and cards say that the person who designed these drugs intended that effect. So its nasty clearing it (and I would have a hard time wanting to clear it at all). I happen to know this person in real life too.

I DO NOT understand all of the hatred!
Or, I am sick and tired of being told I have to understand it, make room for it. Hatred for me. Its reflected self hatred that I must have absorbed from these injuries and abuse, being forced to accept. Not what I created for myself.

This is a huge issue for parentals! Taking back power of creation. Creation. It is THE WAY out of victimhood. I'm tired of mine. Seriously. But its such a fine line to walk, finding self compassion and moving grief of betrayal and injury vs. "feeling sorry for myself" and feeding off it, being served by it. I try to be very clear in my prayers that this process of feeling sorry for myself so much and crying it out so often is healing for ME. As in clearing and resolving the dimensional space where I live. So there's a goal. Get through it all and things change.

About the power of Creation. This is what I've been working on, with the North Node of the Moon in Leo (our collective path but also individually applied). The future now is all about what you can create for yourself and there seems to be a critical letting go of things that you weren't creating or wouldn't have created. Things that got created, that 'new age' says we created for ourselves, when we really didn't. Or we did but we didn't have a choice about it .

Totally Luciferian stuff.

Been reading those pages. Read them over again a few times, still feels like I'm not done there. But some of this touches on the ideas in those pages in green. That used to be my favorite book.

Back to the hatred issue.
Just that the symptoms it creates from the ... incident. Now I find out that there was a second incident confirmed. These symptoms so suck! All of it was denied self hatred. It had to be. How could anyone do those things to another human being and not feel that?

I just want to cry in someone's arms. A friend. A dad. A lover. None available at present. So I guess its my own arms that I cry in. Dammit. I want to flush this garbage out of me but its making me really sick, doing it. Do you have any insights here for me? Please?

More tears.

You know. I was really mad at you for accusing me of not feeling. I spend more time than is reasonable sorting out and feeling and crying. Not more than reasonable. More than other people would consider reasonable. I do most of it in total privacy though. But it happens a lot. Regular time for tears even, or this is how its been. I break out of this rut from time to time but seem to find it easily.

Moon in Libra today, Full Moon last night. I got up in the wee hours and went outside with the dogs and sat on the deck. I counted five craft. UFO's. Disguised as stars, standing by. Anyway, the Moon was beautiful.

I might write more today... I don't know. But I'm ... feeling vulnerable and lonely and sad and I was just wishing for connection. You wouldn't believe what they did to me. Maybe that's all the shock.

Have a good day, I might be doing more of this.

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Saturday, March 31 2018